I saw an article the other day titled, “Brewers: Buyers or Sellers?” Admittedly, I only read the title. I figured I’d save myself some time because the Brewers are in last place, 19 games behind the Cardinals. Maybe the article was talking about the art of selling home brewed beer and had nothing to do with baseball. Buying or selling could be a conundrum for the home brewmaster along with, “What do you tell your wife about why she can’t go into the garage?” “Can you name your beer ‘HeineKEN’ if your name is Ken and other copyright laws?” And my favorite home brewer conundrum, “Skunked or urinated on by the family dog, how can I tell?” Yeah, I’m guessing the Milwaukee Brewers are sellers, which means Carlos Gomez, Gerardo Parra and others are headed somewhere. This will open everyday playing time for Khris Davis. It’s Khrismas in July! *ringing bell* Come Khristian boys and girls and Jewish boys and girls that want to pretend, it’s that special time of year! Why do we care about Davis? Because he has 30-homer power something baseball lost just after they started testing for those pesky PEDs. Right now, Davis is owned in less than 10% of leagues, but I could see that shooting up to 75% owned in the next month if he hits for power and gets everyday playing time as I imagine he will. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Delino DeShields – Sometimes I sit around wondering how Ron Washington is doing. I hear he’s an infield coach for the A’s. I hope he’s doing well and not sniffing too much of the devil’s dandruff. I’m reminded of him because Delino seems like a player Ron would’ve enjoyed managing. Maybe Ron’s kid can move up the Rangers’ ranks and manage the club soon.
Alejandro De Aza – The Red Sox outfield is a bit crowded and I’m not talking Hanley’s ego. Snap in the inverted W formation! Ow, my elbow! I still like De Aza, but you might need to platoon him occasionally.
Marlon Byrd – I wonder if he ever gets mail meant for Pence, The Gangly Manbird.
Thomas Pham – You know how some fans grab a group of friends and make a cheering section for a player? Like Padilla’s Flotilla or The Wolf Pack. Some guys (because girls aren’t dopey enough to do this) should get together and dress up like Hormel Canned Hams all with the letter P on them.
Gregor Blanco – Aoki’s not Aoki-dokie and Blanco has been starting and performing with his own special brand of empty average, some speed and runs. By the by, Gregor Blanco sounds like a Russian Albino and Angel Pagan is the star of Dan Brown’s next novel, so who’s next for the Giants, Eduardo Nunez, who’s secretly Ed, The Crossdressing Nun?
Jarrod Dyson – I just gave you my Jarrod Dyson fantasy. It involved a vacuuming chicken. Why does that make me aroused?
Preston Tucker – Okay, you’re wondering, what’s the deal with me and Tucker? Sure, he’s been hitting 2nd, but so what, right? He had 10 homers in 25 games in Triple-A and has always shown power. Plus, hitting 2nd shows the Astros want him to succeed. That’s good, they’re invested. Now if he starts hitting bombs, everyone will scramble for him, ‘n presto!
John Jaso – You think he accidentally writes his name Joh Jason? Or Jason Joh? Or John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt? I have questions, y’all!
C.J. Cron – I don’t even know why I bother with this guy. Well, I should correct that. I know why I bother, because he has 30 homer power. The problem is The Sciosciapath will likely play Matt Joyce, Efren Navarro, Taylor Featherston, Grant Green or a whole slew of guys whose names you likely think I’m making up. “Efren Navarro? C’mon! At my auction, I tried to draft Nadir Bupkis and everyone made fun of me!”
Clint Robinson – He’s been playing with the Nats banged up, which sounds like a phrase Eduardo Nunez would slap my knuckles over. Ed, The Crossdressing Nun, “We don’t say banged up!” Robinson is more or less a Quad-A player, so don’t get your hopes up. “Your hopes better be the only thing up, mister!”
Stephen Piscotty – Could be called up shortly to replace Mini Donkey. Ask Prospect Mike why you should be interested in Piscotty. Or ask him about biscotti, he loves hard cookies.
Nick Castellanos – One of the hottest schmotatoes in the land and that land is The Land of Hot Schmotatoes, so we’re talking a real hot schmotato here.
Kelly Johnson – Here’s a Hitter-Tron call just like that heavy breathing phone call the Hitter-Tron made to a steel factory.
Jake Lamb – How awkward would it be if the Diamondbacks roomed Lamb with Yasmany? “That’s not the mini bar; that’s my leg!”
Eugenio Suarez – This guy feels like a hot schmotato that will cool by the time you pick him up, but maybe he’ll make look you look like an Eugenius.
Ervin Santana – Just think, if you own Ervin and Tucker, you can rename your team Presto ‘n Magic. Or just go with its current name of, I Hate Pablo Sandoval.
Andrew Heaney – He’s looked terrific so far, and I liked him a lot coming into this year, but I do worry he could get squeezed out of a job shortly with Weaver returning. Worth a grab in deeper leagues, just in case.
Wei-Yin Chen – I understand he’s not this good, but for more than half the year his ERA is at 2.82. Maybe you pick him up until he’s not pitching well. Let’s try that.
Kyle Hendricks – This is a strictly Stream-o-Nator call. Well, not exactly, I do like Hendricks in deeper leagues, but I’d at the very least stream him.
Ryan Vogelsong – Again, Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and vs. the Phils is a no brainer. Hey, a no brainer is my specialty!
Joe Smith – I just went over this morning why Smith has my interest piqued. Give it a pique!
Jeremy Jeffress – I gave Will Smith a chance on my teams and he shat on my pursuit of happyness. Now if K-Rod gets traded, I’m thinking it might be Jeffress.
Jason Motte – I’m not going to run down all of the closers that aren’t owned in more than 50% of leagues. It’s ridunk at this point that Ziegler, Osuna and Motte aren’t owned. If this is because there’s leagues that are 4×4 being counted towards ownership numbers, then my apologies. If there is one league in there where Ziegler et al. aren’t owned and someone needs saves, so help me if I have to come back here!
Scooter Gennett – Here’s one of my secret crushes that I Catfish late at night, but I honestly don’t exactly know why. I think I like his power possibility.
Rougned Odor – You think he purposely forgoes deodorant because he’s going to hear about it anyway?
SELL
Ryan Braun – I don’t hate Ryan Braun. Okay, I do, but that’s not why I’m telling you to sell him. I’m telling you to sell him because he still has name value that’s more valuable than he will be going forward. To pick up what I was talking about in the lede, the Brewers will be sellers and Braun will have nothing to play for and even less to play with. It’s fine for a guy like Khris Davis who just needs ABs, but Braun could be batting in front of Hernan Perez and behind Shane Peterson. Then throw in the fact that Braun is a legit sneeze away from the DL. Plus, how hard do you think the Brewers will push Braun if he’s nursing something day-to-day that doesn’t have a nipple? Not hard. I’m not saying sell him for a previously licked donut, but I would explore options.
