Don’t you know about Greg Bird? Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! I, honestly, figured you would’ve heard. Heard what, you ask. Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Well, everybody said about Greg Bird that Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! You know, I thought you’d heard. Heard what? About the Bird! I was watching a TV show on cybercrime recently, and I have an idea on how to attack North Korea. Just pump in the “Bird is the Word” song into their national Bose speakers. (If North Korea has taken over the US by the time you read this, this cyber attack could be used in the reverse direction. I’m yours, Kimchi Jong-il, however you want to use me. I am very loyal.) So, now that we know the word and that word is indeed Bird, what do we do with this info? We pick him up in our leagues. He has seven homers in only 29 games. Sample size, she says. Well, he had six homers in only 34 games in Triple-A, six homers in only 49 Double-A games, seven homers in only 27 games in Double-A last year…Do you see a pattern? Bird’s got power. Not really anything else, but there’s only two weeks left, grab him if you need homers. Or had you not heard? Bird Bird Bird, Bird– Okay, I’ll stop. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Francisco Cervelli – We’ve come to the part of our program where I can see about three games in front of me and about one game behind me. Cervelli goes to Coors this upcoming week and I’d grab him in every league. On a related note, Cervelli throws down to 2nd to catch a baserunner by first running to the mound, handing the ball to the pitcher and then he throws to 2nd. In other words, the Rockies are about put up some sick baserunning numbers, and by sick I mean ill, and by ill I mean very healthy.
J.P. Arencibia – I have nothing to go on but my gut, but I think Arencibia will likely cool off in the next few days. Previously, my gut is responsible for stopping for a hot dog as I was driving Cougs to the emergency room. Calm down, she only needed five stitches.
Wil Myers – I asked Rudy if I should make Myers my lede buy and he said, “Wil you stop buying Myers please?” Okay, okay. I get it. He’s failed to live up to expectations thus far. Yes, that is understating how awful he’s been for two years. In his past 134 games, he has 13 homers and 10 steals. There’s part-time outfielders that have been better. The Big FraGu comes to mind. Here’s an idea for me. Take the online extension course from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston titled, “Stop Getting Excited About Padre Hitters.”
C.J. Cron – Out There Prediction With Very Little Basis In Reality Alert! Cron will be traded to another team and become an All-Star in that first year.
Billy Butler – I don’t like Butler as much if he were to finally adopt The Truffle Shuffle as his home run celebration, but he has been hitting.
Justin Bour – You might be thinking to yourself, “Bour? Bour’ing! What about Canha? Werth? Eduardo Escobar?” I hear ya, prematurely balding man, but those guys are owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues (which is shocking to me too), so they don’t qualify for this post. If they’re available, then by all means necessary like Malcolm X would say. He was a huge fantasy baseballer.
Jedd Gyorko – Here’s the good news: if I keep telling you to pick up Gyorko and Myers this year, I’ll get it out of my system for next year. Bear with me, or bare if you’re a naturist.
Travis Shaw – He seems to go 1-for-4 with a homer every few games and 0-for-15 in between. That’s truth. Want more truth? I updated my iPhone, and now the iPhotos have a folder for selfies. I have 636 selfies and only 35 other pictures.
Jean Segura – I hear you out there smacking your veins, fiending for SAGNOF of the steals variety. Segura looks like he owns himself in fantasy and needs steals too. By the by, would it really hurt the integrity of the game if players had to own themselves in fantasy with, say, half of their salary as the winnings for the league? I say no.
Angel Pagan – Also has been running recently. Speaking of which, every time Pagan is on base, the Giants should start playing Runnin’ With The Devil. Hey, is that song the first instance of g-dropping in a song title? Real G’s don’t use the last G. Word is bond, motherfud’er!
Khris Davis – I don’t know why this is, but no matter how many times Davis is discussed he’s never picked up, which makes me think we’re in the clear for next year on his sleeperness. Sleeperitude?
Thomas Pham – We are Phamily! I got all my hot schmotatoes and me!
Aaron Hicks – Looking for runs and some speed to fill-in for someone? AA-ron is your substitute.
John Axford – On one hand, he’s the Rockies closer. On the other hand, he’s the Rockies closer. On a third hand that is actually a mitten on the end of a celery stalk, he’s the Rockies closer.
Sean Doolittle – On a somewhat related note and I might be remembering this wrong, but, after April of this year, it felt like there were fewer closers turning over than any recent year. This could mean next year is Godzilla El Nino of closer turnover. Godzilla El Nino is also what Jose Mesa’s grandkids call him.
Chris Hatcher – This is for all of you SAGNOF’ers that are desperate for any save. Jansen will likely be rested more than usual, due to the impending playoffs, and Hatcher could get a couple of saves in the final two weeks.
Robbie Ross – Other than Axford, none of the vulture saves guy this week scream capable of dominance. I mean, can you imagine the Red Sox going into the season saying, “Our closer is Robbie Ross?” Half of their fans would think it’s a drink with scotch.
Mike Leake – Straight Stream-o-Nator pick, like when the Stream-o-Nator tried to pick up its life after a night out with the Hitter-Tron.
Kevin Gausman – He’s in Tampa and I already own him in multiple leagues for tomorrow’s start. You can take this a few ways. A) Grey likes him, so I should too. B) Grey is starting him, which means he’s going to get blown up. C) There’s no C.
Brett Anderson – Sunday is a hella bad day for streaming, so I’m jumping to Monday on the Stream-o-Nator for the Anderson grab, and I don’t really love Anderson, but Sunday is hideous. My condolences if you’re H2H team’s season hangs on Hellickson pitching wellickson.
SELL
Carlos Santana – Part of me is listing Santana again because the last time I mentioned him as a drop, he hit a home run and I own him in a league where I can’t drop and this is also an excerpt from my ransom note that I plan on using when I kidnap Santana this offseason.
Jason Kipnis – I told you to sell him three months ago when he had about two less homers and fifty more points on his average. You didn’t listen then, so why listen now? *shakes fist* You!
Johnny Cueto – You guys had a good run. A better run when he was in the National League, because, on the Royals, his ERA sits at 5.43, and I wouldn’t start him against anyone right now. You’re going to throw away the 15,000 hours you’ve spent on your fantasy team (I counted) for a guy that has a 5+ ERA over the past two months? Maybe your mother is right, maybe you do have a fear of success. C’mon, for a small nominal fee, you can hire Jason LaRue to drop Cueto from your team.
