Greetings! Tis I, the clairvoyant savant, the heat-seeking missile of truth, the rocket of Gibraltar, the King of D-pics, ME, Beddict, BACK like I never left this BIH, and frothing at the mouth to hand out these awards as my liege lord, Jay Wrong has requested (commanded). The good Lords have given me the power to hand down the proper accolades for those who are truly deserving, and they shall be given their just due or my name isn’t Tehol Beddict, AKA Lo-Well The Messiah. All the answers you seek lie in the depths of my verbiage that resides below. Enter if you dare. Witness!
Real Life AL MVP: Josh Hamilton – Holy mother of Pearl, did you see that Home run derby?!?!?!?!?!? Hamilton just put on the greatest show I’ve ever witnessed. I’m absolutely loving Josh Hamilton’s comeback from drug addiction as I’ve faced similar adversity in my life. I can honestly say that Josh Hamilton is one of the gifted baseball players in the history of the game. What he’s done is unheard of, absolutely unfathomable to the sane of mind. What a season. What a story. (Editors Note: Tehol Beddict was heavily intoxicated and watching a replay of the 2008 Home run derby. Clearly, Mike Trout is the AL MVP thus far. Razzball apologizes.)
Fantasy AL MVP: Josh Hamilton
Real Life NL MVP: Javiez Baez – Years back, I recall paying an absurd price for Baez in an auction league only to embarrass myself, much like Nicolas Cage and Christian Slater have done in the second-half of their acting careers. Side Note: I just read that ‘Hard Rain’, a movie I highly enjoyed only made 19.9 million after costing an absurd 70 million to make. I suppose I may not have seen it in theaters either, but to me, it’s one of the more criminally underrated films I’ve seen of all time. Anyway, Baez is leading the NL with 72 runs batted in, and somehow has 18 stolen bases to boot. I feel like a proud dad, watching his only son that made it when I see this hog make up for the lack of testicular fortitude of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo. Side Note: Is Rizzo playing this pathetically to attempt to prove his point that baseball players play far too many games? My Gods, what an absolute baby back biznatchh. My daughter I don’t know about could play two games a day, 365 days a year and not complain. Someone call Cal Ripken Jr. so he can swing by the Cubs clubhouse to baby powder backhand pimp slap this out of shape peasant. Disgrace.
Fantasy NL MVP:Javier Baez – 19 boom shots, 18 steals, 25 doubles, SIX triples, and a .292 average? Baez, to me, is the MVP for carrying the Cubs to contention with piss-poor seasons from supposed hogs, Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo, which I mentioned in the paragraph above. Don’t talk to me about defense, please. Most writers have Arenado or Freeman as MVP but Baez’s WAR is right below theirs and when I factor in the facts that Arenado plays half his games at Coors Field and Freeman looks too boring for me to get behind (pause), Baez is my MVP in fantasy as he went at 126 on average via Fantasy Pros. Now, that’s a bigger steal than the time you lost you virginity to street walker. Come on bro, not cool. Doesn’t count.
AL Cy Young: Chris Sale – I scoured my manservant’s statistical analysis for a solid 45 minutes, as I wanted to any excuse humanly possibly to give this award to Luis Severino, but say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s honest, a grower not a shower, and extremely into Star Wars role playing (have you ever taken Jabba the Hutt from the back? It’s absolutely riveting). Aaahkay, so that’s three things, but three insanely important things.
Sale has an orgasm-inducing 13.1 K’s per nine thus far on the season to go along with his league leading 2.23 ERA. That’s enough cheese to feed all of the Rats of NIMH for a year. 188 K’s before the All-Star break? EF the Cy Young Award; Somebody have a Jock-Strap made out of solid gold for this legend among men. I want to gargle his sweat like a fine Chianti. Bathe in hot tub of his bubbling, steroid-free urine. I want to cruise a nude beach with this man and just admire what I’m almost positive is an absolutely gorgeous piece of weaponry where every dude we walk by makes eye contact with me, and I’m like, “Yea, look at that.” No matter how you look at it, Sale is the Cy Young of the first half. Kudos.
NL Cy Young : Max Scherzer – I suppose I should give this to Jacob deGrom, but I’m a lifelong believer in Scherzer and was already more than sold before the Diamondbacks sold him down the river for a case of frog dung, and am partial to his dominance via the strikeout, in which he has about 35 more than deGrom, plus he has more than double the wins with 12. Oh, you want to ban the win? Taste me, with caramel sauce from the back.
AL Rookie : Gleyber Torres – 15 bombs and and 42 RBI, while not playing close to the entire first half should be enough to get it done, especially when considering the fact there is nobody else I would even remotely consider. Shout out to the Cubs for giving up this superstar for Chapman, who helped them but also was completely worthless in their biggest moments in the world series. Cubs fans originally said that Torres wasn’t a star. Somebody lied.
NL Rookie : Ozzie Albies – Dude is hitting .280 with 20 money shots, 55 RBI, and 9 steals, and I’m seeing analysts give the first half award to Brian Anderson or one of those nobody Phillies relievers? FOH, B. I don’t have time for all that. Yes, Albies is going to fall off like a bad bag of dope in the 2nd half, but that’s not what this award is for, and frankly, if he has these same stats at the end of the season, I might still give it to him.
MVP in our Hearts: Domonic Brown – The man is literally in Mexico saving donkeys from being blown in acts of perversion; How could he possibly not win this award? I will forever the player Prince Domonic could and should have been but I commend him on finding a higher purpose.