Did I just get something from nothing? Because Justin Upton is nothing, and I got something yesterday — 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Therefore, hence, Argo the movie, vis-a-vis, I got something from nothing. Take that all of you non-believers! And you said he would never come around to be worth that top 25 pick. I pfft on you. A big fat pfft. Come here, accept my pfft. I got one good game from him out of 57! Holy schnikeballs, I got only one good game from my 2nd rounder? Please, neighbor’s cat, don’t confuse me for a ball of yarn as I curl up in a ball and sob. Please, stop tapping me with your paw. I am not a ball of yarn. So, can Upton turn it around? I believe he can. At least moderately. Last year, he hit two homers and .196 in June and .162 in July. And you still drafted him this year, so apparently you don’t care about two-month slumps. In 2014, he had a month of .226 with 3 HRs and a month of .169 with 3 HRs. This year in April, he had a 38% strikeout percentage, 34% in May and 22% in June. He’s already seeing the ball better. If he finishes June with 6 homers and .259, then hit .343 in May, would you be shocked? Well, you shouldn’t be, because those were months he did last year when he also had two sub-.200 months. Upton gets awful for months; it’s what he does. He also gets hot for months. Unfortunately, the slump months came to start the season so it was more pronounced. Pronounced specifically as: Gäd, h? s?ks. And, remember, it takes the Uptons a while to adjust to new leagues. It took Melvin Upton three years and a first name change to adjust to the NL. Hopefully, this is the start of something so Justin doesn’t have to resort to being Melvin Upton Jr. Jr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
‘Breaking Wind’ Shields Blows To Chicago
June 6, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 703 Commentsby: Grey
James Shields was traded to the White Sox for Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis Jr. I remember well his father, Fernando Tatis Jr. (yes, they are both juniors; not at all confusing). I remember Tatis because he was the reason back in 2000, I said on my Geocities site, Fantasy Baseball and Neon Green Backgrounds, the following, “The Cardinals won’t bring up Albert Pujols because they have Fernando Tatis. Let’s just be grateful we made it through Y2K with all of our AOL emails intact. I got this forward from my uncle that is hilarious! Also, I think JC Chasez is easily the best singer in NSYNC. Justin Timberlake? More like Give-Me-A-Timberbreak!” Wow, that didn’t age well at all. So, the Padres finally listened to me and attempted to get younger. No idea about this Tatis; he’s so young he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet — and Carson Cistulli has a Wiki page longer than Harriet Tubman! Elsewhere, Erik Johnson becomes an NL-Only add, but his wonky control leaves him a streamer for now in mixed leagues. As for Shields, leaving Petco + aging pitcher who hasn’t looked great for over a year now = Aged Balsamic. Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal risky bet for mixed leagues with increased win potential and decreased ratios. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Super Two’s time has come, finally. The rules for Super Two’s are as following: any player(s) that has not been called up previously or has been called up previously but has more than and less than 180 service time days. Service time days are counted backwards from 180 and if you get to 75 before you fall asleep, their service time has started. Players who have Scott Boras call the management of the player’s team about service time will not have their service time start. If Boras does not call, but his assistant does call, then service time does not start, unless the commissioner, Our Manfred, has to call Boras back directly. Then service time counts two times as fast or the player has to pitch or hit at a rate of 12 frames per second, which is fast motion. Of course, I have no idea when A.J. Reed or anyone else will be called up! No one does! Teams themselves can’t figure out Super Two. Delegates vs. super delegates is less confusing, but, obviously, also less important. Leave it to Major League Baseball to give you the most arcane rules possible. Reed hasn’t been tearing up Triple-A, but neither has Tyler White in the majors, and the Astros are committed to winning, and winning means trying Reed. Even if he hasn’t killed Triple-A, it doesn’t mean he won’t hit well in the majors, and he has big-time power. Now is the time to grab him in every league, his Super Two thing that no one understands is just about to happen! (So, was he a Super One before? Jesus, can’t someone just say everyone becomes eligible to be called up on June 1st? Would that be too hard?) Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?You wanna know frustration? Of course, you do. You play fantasy baseball! We’ve chosen a hobby that is the least relaxing hobby possible. May as well have a hobby of picking cheese off mousetraps. If the mousetrap doesn’t smash your finger, you win. What do you win? A virtual trophy! Oh, and bragging rights. Awesome! Okay, wanna really know frustration? Wait to see how Dusty uses Trea Turner upon his call-up. This is gonna be so fun! Will Lloyd’s of London insure the ulcers of all Trea Turner owners? Yesterday, he was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, who went on paternity leave. So, unless Zimmerman’s wife takes as long as he does to get hot, I’m assuming Zimmerman will be back in three days tops. At that point, Turner will stay with the club and play, stay and get benched or get demoted again. If he stays with the club, do you think Dusty is going to play him over Espinosa? Well, he could. I guess. “So, how do you play this mousetrap game again?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Mariners Replace Their Big Ace With Big Love
June 2, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 683 Commentsby: Grey
Felix Hernandez hit the DL with a calf strain. He could veal it during his last start. Sounds like a good injury to milk. Sorry, I was just shaking out the pockets of these jeans I wore last night and I had a bunch of unused cow puns. What’s a dad cow’s poop called? Pa-nure! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! So, James Paxton was called up to replace F-Her, who is likely going to only miss a few weeks, but Paxton could continue to get starts if he’s good. So, can Paxton be good? Is there’s twelve posts in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper? Paxton has shown flashes of brilliance with his 94 MPH fastball but the M’s have wanted Paxton to improve on a bunch of pitches and he’s already 27 years old, so is improvement coming? Well, he had a 3.97 ERA in Triple-A this year and Steamer projects him as a streamer, so I have no faith whatsoever. Speaking of faith, yesterday Paxton gave up runs like his character gave out marriage proposals. Looking at his line is like looking at Chloe Sevigny — 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 unearned runs. Paxton’s like when Picasso stood up from the toilet. He’d look down and say, “That’s a work in progress.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?“Ree,” opens the front door, walks down the driveway, says hello to my Polish neighbor, Stash, walks to the DQ, gets a Blizzard, eats said Blizzard, walks home, opens the door, says “Dick,” hits the head, not like that, comes back feeling a Blizzard lighter, does some Netflix and chill, shuts it off, says, “You,” brushes teeth, gets into bed, moves arm over Cougs, hears about her splitting headache, rolls over and says, “Lus.” That’s right, in honor of Mookie Betts, I just did the most ridiculous ridiculous call ever. You earned that shizz, you madman! I’d count the ways I love this man, but like a savant Blackjack dealer I can only count up to 21. After his three-homer game yesterday, Betts (3-for-5, 5 RBIs, 10th, 11th, 12th homers) now has those twelve homers to go with eight steals, a .283 average and is on pace for 115 runs and 85 RBIs. Don’t make me do another ridiculous ridiculous call, cause if you want me to, I will. Oh, and with what he’s doing, it’s not even inconceivable that he keeps up this pace. His BABIP (.290) is actually below his career average (he’s getting unlucky!), his fly ball percentage is down (he could be hitting more homers!) and he hasn’t been caught stealing once (so steal more!). You are witnessing the emergence of a perennial first rounder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Harvey Finally Shows The Other Face
May 31, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 614 Commentsby: Grey
You flip through your cassette singles. You pop in James Ingram’s Just Once cassette single, but decide that’s better to play right after taking the love of your life for an abortion. You then pop in the In Your Eyes cassette single, but it feels too Say Anything. You then pop in the Always & Forever single you played on the way to prom, and it…feels right. You take your boombox and place it on your shoulder, Luther Vandross plays obnoxiously loud if Vandross could ever be obnoxious, but you decide he can’t be. The song gets to the end and you flip it over to play the Always & Forever house remix. Yet, this whole time, Matt Harvey‘s Buy Low Window stays shut. You wonder why it won’t open again, and sigh. It’s now shut because yesterday Matt Harvey went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.37. Looks like the slider returned with his velocity. Last week I said I didn’t think his problems were unfixable, yesterday he showed they weren’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?On Saturday, our prayers were answered. No, not the prayer about winning Powerball. Or the prayer about sweatpants becoming the new formalwear. Or the prayer about muttonchops being some magical aphrodisiac. Or the prayer about your mom forgetting that time you accidentally sexted her. Or that prayer about being as successful in real life as you are in fantasy. No, not those. The prayer about Yu Darvish returning and looking as dominant as ever. On Saturday, he threw the fastest pitch of his major league career, throwing three pitches for more than 98 MPH. The line of 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks was solid, but I imagine this will be the start of him reaffirming his place in the top 10 starter conversation. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department sang, “Yu, Yu got what I need…Yu say he just spends Yen…Yu say he just spends Yen…But baby Yuuuuuu,Yu got what I need!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter. Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now. Not now, not now now, but now now now. Three nows. An extra now when now now is not fast enough. Why now now now? The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors. Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June. I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here. Is he that good? His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA. I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman. Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? NotUrias B.I.G. Gets His Shot On West Coast
May 27, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 391 Commentsby: Grey
I missed out on Julio Urias in all of my leagues. Shame because I was just looking at his stats the other day — 9.8 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 1.10 ERA and I was like, “Those can’t be real,” and he winked at me. An interminable wink. And I was like, “Are you winking that those stats are real or are you winking at me that they’re not?” He didn’t answer, he just kept winking. So, I tried to pull a fast one on him and was like, “Wink once if I should wait to pick you up, wink twice if I should pick you up now or wink three times if you’re going to be called up to be a middle reliever.” And he winked once. Again. Then, like I do at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, I climbed onto his head and blew into his eye to see if he was alive. He wasn’t. I mean, he is, but this was just a picture of him. Don’t be like me, don’t worry about the wink test with Urias and just grab him in all leagues. He could be a number one starter for the time he’s in the rotation. That’s the catch, however. (Or is it pitch?) He’s filling in for Alex Wood, who has triceps tightness. Wood could be out the rest of the season (not saying he is) and Urias would still not stay in the rotation. The Dodgers have said they will limit Urias’s innings. He could only pitch 60 more innings this year, which is about ten starts. My guess is he’ll pitch a few starts in the rotation, then move to the bullpen and pitch an inning or three a week. Sound about right to you, Urias? Wink once for yes…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Devon Travis > Goins/Barney Travesty
May 26, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 725 Commentsby: Grey
Devon Travis was activated from the DL yesterday (1-for-4, 1 run). Be interesting to see what he can do in his return from shoulder surgery. Shoulder surgery never really stopped anyone from doing well before. “Yes, Michael Brantley? Ask your question. Okay, if you’re not going to ask your question, at least put your arm down. You can’t put down your arm? Oh.” The Blue Jays said that Travis could move up the order soon, and hit leadoff. No way, Azul Jays! You mean Jose Bautista isn’t a leadoff hitter? That’s downright shocking. I never would’ve guessed that. Shiver me Timberlands, and stockpile my hatch chiles before Trump kicks New Mexico out of the union. There’s been a lot of talk in the comments about how unenthused I am for Travis, and it’s not entirely true. I would take a flyer on him in all leagues, but it takes hitters a while to return from shoulder surgery, so I’d tempura my expectations. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Yesterday, Matt Harvey (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 6.08) briefly held the honor of having the worst ERA of any National League starter at 6.08, which means Harvey is the only one happy with Shelby Miller this year. It’s time we addressed the giant imaginary rabbit in the room, Harvey. The Mets thought that Harvey’s problems were mental and considered burning all of his locker’s contents to rid him of the bad juju. Can you put his “animosity for Terry Collins” in the locker too? How about his “bitterness at not being the star pitcher anymore?” Does that fit in a locker? What about “brooding?” Does brooding fit in a locker? Someone needs to salve Harvey’s ego with some Jergen’s lotion because you can see his buttsoreness (totally a word!). His velocity looked fine yesterday, but his slider is not being located with precision. Also, check this: 1st time through the order facing Harvey: .241/.292/.373; second time: .301/.326/.518; third time: .509/.563/.764. What does that tell me? He’s having a hard time keeping his pitches fresh the 2nd and 3rd time a hitter sees him, which goes back to the slider. I don’t think his problems are unfixable, but he may need a trip to the Disgraceful List with a mysterious ailment to clear his head and figure out his slider. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?