You ever go to a flea market and you have no interest in buying anything? ¬†You see some little old lady wearing a sweater, even though it’s 95 degrees, selling a collection of hummels and they’re priced like they’re gold bullion. You pass. ¬†You walk further and see a man with mutton chops selling corn cob pipes, but you already have one. ¬†You’re only at the flea market because your lady friend dragged you there. ¬†You kinda just want to go home — but then! ¬†— then you see someone selling an original Derek and the Dominos vinyl. ¬†It’s a limited edition Layla record from the former republic of Yugoslavia. ¬†There’s scratches all over it and it barely plays, but it’s from 1970 and it says Layla in some weird language and it’s priced at $3. ¬†You buy it. ¬†That’s Chris Johnson, a scratchy Yugoslavian Layla record. ¬†The Diamondbacks aren’t buying, but the Astros are selling so aggressively that they’ll make a buyer out of everyone. ¬†So, you make the small sacrifice to carry something the rest of the day, even though you enjoyed being unencumbered, and now you got Chris Johnson. ¬†When Johnson gets back to Arizona, he’s going to hit .270 with light power just like he’s a broken record. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brett Wallace¬†– Recalled to replace Chris Johnson. ¬†Our prospect writer, Scott, just went over his¬†Brett Wallace fantasy¬†yesterday. ¬†Click that linkie-ma-whosie or scroll down. ¬†The choice is yours, Black Sheep.
Lucas Harrell¬†– 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and the Win and somehow the¬†Stream-o-Nator¬†was right on telling you to do this stream. ¬†As you pass it in a bar, the Stream-o-Nator nods in your general direction, too involved with a group of females.
Francisco Liriano – Liriano used to have a lot of stuff. ¬†He had stuff that blew away hitters. ¬†Then he had surgery and he lost some of his stuff. ¬†The second version of his stuff. ¬†Then he pitched for a few years and seemed to lose stuff each time he took the mound. ¬†His third, fourth and fifth versions of his stuff. ¬†Now he takes what little stuff he has left in an overnight bag to the White Sox. ¬†Sometimes you see hitters or pitchers moved to teams that kill them just so they don’t have to face them anymore. ¬†The White Sox actually are gonna lose two games with this trade just because they won’t be able to face Liriano anymore. ¬†He had a near-7 ERA against the White Sox just this year and 5.34 ERA in July against everyone. ¬†The Padres would’ve had a nice reclamation project with Liriano. The Marlins could’ve done something with him. ¬†The White Sox? ¬†You have exactly the same pitcher in an “extreme hitter’s park.”
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he recorded his second shutout of the year. ¬†You know how Jim Leyland‚Äôs cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head‚Äôs at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it‚Äôs urine?¬† Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.
Logan Morrison – To the 15-day DL with knee inflammation and could be out the rest of the season. ¬†Backdate this news to March.
Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. ¬†That’s a lot of balls for one Johnson.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a steal, and he homered yesterday as he now bats 3rd. ¬†Every player who puts together a crazy contract season and/or a player that sits out the last day of games so he can win the batting title should get sent to the Marlins and one of their patented sell-offs. ¬†It’s like Burgess Meredith breaking his glasses.
Justin Ruggiano¬†– 2-for-4 with a steal, after hitting a homer on Saturday. ¬†He’s hitting .359 with 8 homers in 131 ABs. ¬†Meanwhile, his brother Pecorino went 0-for-3 getting his mom to cut him some slack already about finding a job.
Kris Medlen – Set to start on Tuesday unless the Braves trade for someone. ¬†It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of Medlen. ¬†A Medfan, if you will. ¬†Though, you probably shouldn’t. ¬†I will be peddlin’ Medlen! ¬†Yeah, not much better. ¬†He will only throw about 70 pitches on Tuesday, so don’t go too crazy for him in his first start.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. ¬†Grumblings of “about fhucking time” for those that have had him since draft day.
Colby Rasmus – Hit a homer on Saturday. ¬†He was hot for about two months then went ice cold.¬† And I say what‚Äôs cooler than bein‚Äô cool?¬† Ice cold!¬† Rasmus may be heating up again.¬† Hey ya!
Brian Roberts¬†– Having season-ending hip surgery. ¬†Not sure how long he’ll be out, but Gertude Brodsky had a similar surgery and was out of the World Shuffleboard Circuit for 18 months.
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. ¬†Now that’s some Choice Chen. ¬†Move over Blake DeWitt, there’s a new man in town with a mother named Joyce.
Omar Quintanilla¬†– 3-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. ¬†Omar’s coming yo! ¬†I talked to Rudy yesterday on the phone and he was pumped about our AL-Only pick up¬†Omar¬†Quintanilla. ¬†Ah, the joys of AL-Only. ¬†In the last week, Quintanilla is hitting near .370, and doesn’t have much speed or power. ¬†In the big picture, he’s a background extra that keeps smiling into the camera and needs to be replaced.
Mat Latos – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors. ¬†I’ll say it for you…Sonavabench! ¬†And if you started him here, well, you could make your testicles into one of those coconut monkey banks and start saving for your kid’s college tuition.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (21). ¬†This was also his 2nd game in a row with a homer. ¬†That’s the Stubb-bubb.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4 with two steals. ¬†He now has 24 steals and a .315 average. ¬†As Revere screamed, the SAGNOF is coming! ¬†The SAGNOF is coming! ¬†Then, as our country’s history tells us,¬†Revere stopped in a bakery in Boston, took Margaret Peabody into a churner and originated the phrase, “Butter face.”
Justin Morneau – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. ¬†Full disclosure: ¬†The Twins asked me to point out Morneau’s last three day exploits in case any playoff-bound teams were reading.
James McDonald – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Lastros. ¬†Has now given up 20 earned runs in his last 20 2/3 innings. ¬†E, I, E, I, E, I, Oh, crap. ¬†McDonald sends his condolences to good. ¬†That’s not a regression… THIS IS A REGRESSION. ¬†I wouldn’t drop McDonald in all leagues, but he can’t be started anywhere at this point. ¬†You need to see at least a quality start first. ¬†You can try to sell him, but¬†it‚Äôs hard to sell a guy when the player is obviously, dramatically, adverbially regressing.
Kevin Correia – Asked the Pirates to trade him. ¬†This is huge news if said aloud and out of context. ¬†Seriously, turn to the guy in the cubicle next to you and tell them, “Corriea lifted the trade embargo.”
Starling Marte – 2-for-5 with a steal. ¬†The Pirates have made good on their promise to start him every day, and have also hit him lead off. ¬†He’s also hitting .222 and has a caught stealing, but that’s no surprise. ¬†As soon as he gets on base, they should play Been Caught Stealing.
Shane Victorino – 3-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (24). ¬†In 2008, I could’ve asked you, “In four years, who will be the most valuable Phillie: ¬†Howard, Rollins, Utley or Victorino?” ¬†You would’ve got it wrong. ¬†If I would’ve asked you before the 2012 season which Phillie hitter from those 4 would be the most valuable, you would’ve got it wrong too. ¬†Don’t sweat it, I would’ve too.
Neftali Feliz – Scratched from his rehab start with discomfort in his elbow. ¬†My best guess is he’ll be out for another month. ¬†My moderately good guess is he’s done for the season. ¬†My worst guess is he’ll retire from baseball, open up a sunglass kiosk in my bathroom and try to sell back to me my own sunglasses.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and another homer. ¬†Okay, if you pick him up, I promise to tell you when to drop him.
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. ¬†Now hitting around .400 in the last week and hitting near .300 for the month of July. ¬†If someone dropped him because he was playing about as well as the¬†Kristin Cavallari years of The Hills, I’d give him a shot. ¬†He’s not quite Bobby Bonds and Jeff Kent’s adopted son that they raised in secret because the public wasn’t as tolerant at the time, but Weeks is also not a .150 hitter.
Steve Lombardozzi – 3-for-5 and a homer and has hit in 7 of last ten games while taking over for the injured Desmond. ¬†(Hitting in 7 of ten games isn’t much of a compliment, but Lombardozzi is worth a shot in deep leagues.)
Paul Maholm – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. ¬†No idea who he is. ¬†Never heard of him before. ¬†Pretty sure I haven’t mentioned him after each of his last four starts. ¬†I mean, technically it would be impossible since I’ve never heard of him.
Mike Trout – Scratched before yesterday’s game. ¬†I was in LA and he was Anaheim, so who the hell was scratching him?! *reading synonyms for scratching* ¬†Oh. ¬†Word out of Bobby Grichville is Trout will be fine.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he started his first game for the Angels. ¬†Arte Moreno is definitely sparing no expense, but Rita’s gonna be pissed when she finds out he spent all her West Side money. ¬†At this point, the Angels could take on the 1992 Dream Team and win. ¬†But they didn’t play baseball, and it’s 20 years later, so they might not be in the best shape. ¬†Speaking of the Olympics, I’ve figured out a way to make them better, or at least more relatable. ¬†You know how you’re sitting there watching eight swimmers do the 400 meter relay in a minute thirty? (Bear with me, I know no one is actually watching it or if a minute thirty is how fast 400 meters takes.) ¬†Well, while you watch it, it seems impressive, but you can’t fully appreciate it because everyone in the pool is more or less the same level swimmer, give or take a half second. ¬†Enter my idea: ¬†Have a normal person in the pool with them! ¬†In fact, put a normal person in every event. ¬†You didn’t think they were that fast in the 100 meter dash? ¬†Wait, until you drop a slightly out-of-shape guy in the mix. ¬†Now it’s clear how fast they are actually going. ¬†You’re welcome, Olympics, I fixed you.