A Duvall hasn’t looked this good since Popeye starring Robin Williams. You thought I was going Robert Duvall and I steered it into Crazytown with Shelley Duvall. By the way, don’t look at current pictures of Shelley Duvall. She’s a Shelley of her former self. I have a theory. She had to do everything just so for Kubrick in The Shining, to the point where she couldn’t even think for herself, then she started working with Robert Altman, who was like, “Do whatever you like, improv,” and going from one extreme to the other drove her crazy. I’d put money on it that this is the biggest update on Shelley Duvall you will ever get on a fantasy baseball website. Any hoo! The pros and consigliere for Adam Duvall. All he does is hit home runs, so a great supporting player that just melts into any role you need him in. Wait, that’s not Adam. Well, not entirely. The homers part was. And the Mac Sledge part. No, that’s the other Duvall again. You’d be hard-pressed to find a hotter hitter right now than Duvall and he can help The Family go legit. Again, wrong Duvall! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – Le Terminator has come from the future to stop you from owning bad catchers, and to hit home runs with Linda Hamilton in her trailer while James Cameron is yelling at the craft services lady.
Danny Santana – By the time this posts, he might finally be owned in more than 50% of leagues, but, since he’s even near the threshold, I’m gonna list Dannys Antana anyway, just to point out how ludicrous you people are weighing me down that it feels like Altuve hanging from my necklace. Wait, that’s Ludacris.
Matt Thaiss – Serious question, did Rod Stewart predict Thaiss’s hot streak back in the 70’s with the song, Hot Thaiss? Or am I misremembering?
Bo Bichette – No one loves Boba Chette more than me. Okay, I lied. Teenaged Asian girls do, but they can drink 1,400 pounds of tapioca balls and cosplay at work. We all can’t be so lucky! Boba Chette should prolly be owned in 100% leagues already, and I considered making him the lede this week, but did you really want to read 450 words on Star Wars that was coming out of the bottom of your screen to an elaborately composed score? Damn, that does sound good. Bichette is likely just a 7/12/.265 hitter (for this year), but the Jays have moved him to leadoff and I love upside. And boba. Slup, slurp, snitches!
Tommy Edman – Since in my mind, I just went from Boba to Edamame, I think I might need a snack before finishing this post. *lowers goggles, dives into kiddie pool of Cocoa Pebbles and milk* Hey, how’d I become a contestant on Double Dare?
Travis Shaw – With the trade of Jesus (blasphemy!), Shaw could see some looks at 1st base, and he was my preseason MVP pick. I will now cackle-cry for 10 minutes. Also, I guess I can mention that Jesus Aguilar might be worth a look to see if the demotion of Lowe was smart (unlikely).
Miguel Sano – This is neither here nor there, but I found this interesting. Sano is owned in 30% of leagues and has been good for a few weeks. Josh VanMeter is already owned in 50+% of leagues and was good for about three days.
Johan Camargo – Just excited to finally see Camargo get some swings, which is different than Wade Boggs wanting to see Camargoadams and some wings.
Brian Anderson – Always wanted to do a sociology study on whether people are less likely to pick up a player if the player has a boring name like Brian Anderson. Too bad sociologists are all busy with the high-paying jobs of pretending to be homeless for sociology studies.
Tesocar Hernandez – I own Teoscar in a shallow league, because he’s facing the Orioles and their pitching–Excuse me, Steve Wilkerson did look decent on the mound. I bet the Hittertron likes Teoscar too like it enjoys long walks on the beach so it can get rust in its cracks and feel that auburn tingle.
Oscar Mercado – Been saying to pick him up since June. Y’all’s reaction times are like that of a slug. Escargetgoing! You can have that, Highlights Magazine, if you want it.
Ender Inciarte – Does everyone have favorite players that they like for irrational reasons? I’m not saying your true favorite player, like Trout or Scherzer. I mean, a guy you irrationally love more than you should. Ender’s mine. I think I like him so much because his last name seems complicated to pronounce and I can’t pronounce anyone’s name, yet I can say Inciarte. I told you it was irrational. Right now, there are actual rational reasons to like him too.
Dylan Bundy – Can’t believe I’m recommending an Orioles starter. I got me crackers in me head and it’s causing me to talk like a leprechaun! However, Bundy is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to homes in the Friendship neighborhood of Pittsburgh.
Archie Bradley – Member those days when managers would say so-and-so was the closer? That rarely happens anymore. I blame Kevin Cash. He made The Opener a thing, and teams were like, “If he’s not naming starters, I’m not naming closers, so there.” Do I think Bradley has the stuff to close? Yes. Do I think he’s absolutely the closer? I don’t have a Colonel Mustard. Sorry, shouldn’t have used this thesaurus for the word ‘clue.’ Also, since when did Hasbro start publishing thesauruses?
Justin Shafer – I love Shafer and think he could be the best became-a-closer-at-the-deadline closer. Was a closer in the minors; Giles has been dealing with arm issues for a while now, the Jays have no one else after Shafer that’s remotely worth trying as a closer.
Joe Jimenez – His 12.6 K/9 is gorge. His career 5.75 ERA in 123 2/3 IP is, well, something.
Jose Leclerc – As I get further into this shizzshow we call SAGNOF after the trading deadline, I’m starting to think I should’ve ranked the closers in this post. Or did I?! Damn, Reversal Question, you scared the crap out of me. Honestly, by the end of tonight’s games, the closer order might change. These last three closers are closers in name only and they’re not closers. You furrow your brow and, “Huh?” You follow, don’t be coy with your brows!
Jose Quijada – This guy has a very closer-ish name. It’s Spanish for Joe Agita. What is more closer than that?
Ramon Laureano – We’re past the trade deadline, so now the Sells are not Sells as much as they are drops. They are still over 50% owned in ESPN. It’s ye olde cutoff! If you still have a trade deadline in the future… *wavy lines* Whoa, we’re in the future and this is a trade deadline in my fantasy league. *wavy lines* …that sounds like the worst vision of the future ever, but you can use the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer. As for Laureano, we had a good run, but now he can’t run, so lose him.
Khris Davis – Maybe I’m reverse jinxing him here, but Davis has been miserable for the entire season. Let’s just compare Renato Nunez to Khris Davis from April 2nd until now. This is gonna be fun for Khris Davis owners! Khris Davis has 12 HRs since April 2nd and has one homer in July. Khris Davis only has 13 homers hit in this hemisphere. Since April 2nd, Renato has 24 homers. On the Player Rater, available for free at Razzball, assuming it’s free for you to click a link and the calories you expend are free, which they’re not, so HOW FREE IS IT?! Renato has been worth about the same as Rhys Hoskins this year, 15th overall 1st baseman. Khris Davis has been worth about the same as Pedro Severino and 300th overall. In case you’re just waking from a coma, “Hey, boo, your hair’s a mess. Also, Luis Severino did not change his name to Pedro Severino, and 300 overall is not good, so therefore, ergo, vis a vie, Davis has been a turd bucket.” If you can still make trades, try to move him. Would I give him for a free plane ticket if it meant sitting next to Kamala The Ugandan Giant? Yes, actually, where are we going, homeboy? If not, drop him.