Fantasy Baseball Advice

You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York?  An A-Rod post-game party.  It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game.   Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs.  A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings.  Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year.  Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year.  Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins.  What an event!  Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey.  Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians.  How appropriate.  To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table.  Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad.  Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists.  You’re not making the playoffs anymore.  Thome’s not changing that.  As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else.  Um, okay.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year.  To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole.  I will forever refrain-cisco.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals.  He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.

Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him.  Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after a 4 IP, 5 ER start against the Braves.  The potential for Ks is there, so is the potential to get roofied.

Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good.  Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped.  My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP.  I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average.  If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty.  But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.

Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7.  The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams.  He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore.  The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.

Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes.  That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.

Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start.  Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.

Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired.  BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep.  Weird!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games.  Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Has 27 Ks in 21 games.  I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten.  Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP.  Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.

Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball.  Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.

Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade.  Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player?  He just gives his fans false hope.  False hope is worst than no hope.  See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you.  Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft.  No, not awesome.  Terrible.  Thanks a lot, false hope!  Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox.  Speculation has me excited to own Pence.  Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence.  If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.”  His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better.  And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark.  I like it.  It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo.  Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled.  Still plenty of time to reach the 40 homer prediction of Matthew Berry.  Go big or go home!

Drew Storen – Rumors are saying that the Nats weren’t willing to trade Drew Storen for Denard Span.  And they shouldn’t.  It’s not that important to save money on monogrammed bathrobes.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5.  It should be a day of celebration for Zimmerman’s owners so it’s too bad I’m about to point out he has 5 homers and 20 RBIs on the year.  As Mattingly would say as Morganna ran toward him, “What a bust.”  Speaking of which, in the 80′s we had casual female nudity in movies and random hot girls running on the baseball field. Then in the 90′s we got no nudity and no one running on the field.  Now, you get male nudity (don’t even start me about Friends With Benefits — why are you showing Justin Timberlake and not Mila Kunis?  Am I not the target audience? Actually, don’t answer that.) and drunk idiot guys running on the field.  Where did our country go wrong?  Can’t we get back to random naked girls in movies and goofy Loni Anderson-type girls running on the field?  Oh, and don’t look up recent photos of Loni Anderson on Google.  Her plastic surgery makes Lisa Rinna’s lips look real.

Wade Davis – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s and the conshellation prize.  All five runs were given up in the first inning then he settled down, but still the last time Tampa got hammered from Oakland this bad was when MC Hammer played last month at a Tampa farmers’ market.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his first homer and fourth steal in only six games while batting .500.  After the game, he declared himself the new King of Slam & Legses, only when he said legses it didn’t sound weird because he’s perfect.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 with his 3rd home run and his first steal.  My man’s playing with reckless a-Brandon!  That’s 3 homers in 26 at-bats.  That’s, a’la Larry David, prettaaaaaay prettaaaaaay good.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer and 2nd steal.  I’ve been wanting to get on board with this guy for over a week now, but he’s been sitting every third game and not hitting righties well, i.e., what most pitchers are.  If you can platoon him in deeper leagues, it’s worth a flyer.

Kyle Blanks – Now 2 for his first 20 with 11 Ks.  At this point, the only way he’s going to be productive is if someone figures out a way to harness his windmill swing for electricity.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with his 8th home run.  Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5 with his 17th and 18th homers which is one homer behind Tulowitzki, who leads all major league shortstops.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with 5 RBIs and only a single short of the cycle.  He’s nothing special on AVG/OBP but 19 HRs and 53 RBIs in the AL West (see Smoak, Moreland, and Barton) should keep Trumbo off any blacklists.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 with his 21st steal.  In the past two months, he’s hitting .255 with 7 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer or his third homer in as many games.  Butler’s cups really runneth over.

Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 9 ER.  It’s to the point where I wouldn’t own Bailey until he threw two months straight of quality starts.

Francisco Rodriguez – Since he waived his games-finished clause that would pay him $17.5 million, he hasn’t finished any games.  K-Rod backwards is dork.  Father-in-laws everywhere rejoice.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and he’s going to make an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell as I throw it to Lucas.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 with 3 runs and a steal as he stays blisteringly hot.  To point out the painful and obvious, he’s been better than Ryan Zimmerman.  Fantasy baseball, making prematurely bald men bald faster.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal.  His hitting streak is now up to 26 games.  That makes sense in opposite world where I look like Paul Walker with a mustache and girls still like mustaches.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3 as he hit his 24th homer.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  He started to swing and the ball flinched 375 feet the other way.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Has now hit in every game he’s started since his trade to the Tigers, which is a really nice way to say he’s hitting around .270 over the last week.

Brad Penny – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  The Tigers pitching box score sounds like a porn marquee — Penny, Furbush, Ruffin, Purcey and Coke.  All to star in Motor City Mamas.

I have come to the revelation that I watch way too many baseball games. On average in a week, I watch roughly 30-40 games. I am always looking for trends or nuisances that will aide, but not abet, my fantasy know how. The thing I watch most is pitching. Pitching is the most added and dropped position, based mostly because of depth. So depth is what I give you. I take guys that are owned in less than 50% of leagues and bring you my take on what they are and who they may be in the week ahead. I wish I had the power to give them wins in every start, but chasing wins is the axis of evil in fantasy. So use this low end guide to your advantage and go forth and make me proud. So here are the lesser owned two start fantasy baseball options for the upcoming week. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/1
Josh Tomlin @Tor – Drabek
Mike Leake vs. Mil – Marcum

6/2
Carlos Carrasco vs. Tex – Harrison
Tim Stauffer vs. Hou – W. Rodriguez

6/3
Jason Vargas vs. TB – Hellickson
Carlos Villanueva @ Bal – Bergesen
Bud Norris @ SD – Moseley

Doug Fister (Bal vs. Arrieta, TB vs. Davis) Yeah, that’s what she said. Another pitcher that if he pitched for a better team we would prolly be rostered all over based on his numbers. If you’re going to chase wins, at least do it with a guy who will get you 5 K’s and decent peripherals. ERA under 3 at home.

Dillon Gee (Pit vs. Morton, Atl vs. Jurrjens) Prolly the best name for a baseball player since, Rusty Kuntz. Home ERA of 1.66. You could do a lot worse, i.e. about a 1/8 of an inch down.

Luke Hochevar (Ana vs. Santana, Min vs. Blackburn) The streetwalker’s barber.  If I could find something good to say about him, I would. Umm… he pitches twice this week. If your league is deep enough, it could make sense.

Derek Holland (@TB vs. Davis, @Cle vs. Carmona) 2.51 ERA away from Arlington. Gives up way too many balls in play, BAA is .296. Is “due” for win. Has gone 6 starts without a decision, somewhere Jo-Jo Reyes makes a fist and screams.

Chris Narveson (@Cin vs. Wood, @Fla vs. Volstad) Oh Narvy, first it was Bud Norris that went out of his way to scorn my affection. Now it’s you. Seems like he pitches great than beats himself with the dreaded 6 run HR. ERA better away from the Brewery.

J.A. Happ (@CHC vs. Coleman, @SD vs. Harang) Love the K-rate, but the walks make me sad. You have to watch him to get frustrated with him, and who watches the ’Stros. Away ERA is abysmal but anchored by two bad starts early in the season.

Nick Blackburn (@Det vs. Penny, @KC vs. Hochevar) Last 5 starts, 3-0 21 K’s and an ERA of 1.72. Sounds good to me. Name still sound like a skin disease you contract from a trip to Venezuela.

Brad Penny (Min vs. Blackburn, @CHW vs. Danks) My grandma always said, “See a Penny, pick it up.” She also can’t read fantasy stat lines.  K/9 and BB/9 are almost the same number. If you live under a rock (find a new place to stay), that’s never a good stat to have similar.

Chris Volstad (Ari vs. Saunders, @Mil vs. Narveson) Maybe it’s just me but I love all the Marlins starters. xFIP 2 runs lower than his ERA. Offers you some medium K potential, which is a lot better than rare.

Ryan Vogelsong (@StL vs. Carpenter, Col vs. Hammel) The newest veteran magician to suddenly appear on the fantasy scene. Numbers are just stupid, best of all is the .038 ERA at home.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

Javier Vazquez touched you in your no-no area for two months to the point where just looking at his name made you crawl up into a ball and cry, but yesterday he flirted with a no-no for seven innings.  He held the 1927 Blue Jays to only one hit, a home run by HGH Wells.  (In a strange twist, Bautista didn’t homer, but he did have sex with your wife.  Don’t shoot the messenger!)  So can Javier Vazquez now be trusted?  The better question is did anyone really think he was the 8 ERA pitcher he was showing in April and May?  Come on, this is baseball.  It’s a sport of aberrations from day-to-day and week-to-week and month-to-month, but, in the end, people find their level.  Vazquez is more or less a 4.50 ERA pitcher in the AL.  So you need some months of dreckitude surrounded by some months of usability.  Vazquez is still walking too many guys and, other than him striking out 9 Blue Kays yesterday and the Suckie-O’s the game before, his Ks have been down.  So usable, but don’t expect a full return of 2009 Vazquez.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Stanton – He’s coming up on Tuesday.  Can you hear that?  It’s my heart going pitter patter.  Put your ear up to the computer monitor, you’ll hear it.

Ricky Nolasco – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks in Metco.  God forbid Nolasco were to put together an entire freakin’ year pitching how he’s capable.  Maybe if I’m ever in a freakin’ league with a xFIP category, I’ll draft Nolasco.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Even more encouraging was the one walk he issued after only giving up 2 the game before.

Brad Penny – Out for another month or two.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the injury or some shizz?

David Freese – Is on ice.  Out until Friday with an ankle sprain.  This would never happen to my neighbor.  She has cankles.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with tightness in his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.

Orlando Hudson – Likely headed to the DL.  It’s the hoosegow for the Hudson.

Doug Fister – On the DL with a sore shoulder.  Maybe he hurt it when he was pitching so far over his head.

Dontrelle Willis – Six scoreless on Saturday.  Seemed like every time he got himself in any trouble a lefty came up and he dominates lefties.  I’d wait to see at least two more starts from Willis before considering him.

Josh Hamilton – Should return on Monday after having a cortisone injection in his knee.  I wonder if he helped the doctor find his vein.

Matt Capps – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and another Cappsizing.  Riggleman said Capps will remain the closer, but if you’re trolling for saves — troll on, troller! — Clippard is the first pickup, though he’s probably owned already.  If you’re real desperate for saves, I won’t stand in your way of grabbing Drew Storen.

Scott Rolen – Hit his 14th homer.  Sonavabench!  Why must guys who aren’t starting come into the game and hit a home run?  Rhetorical!

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4, hitting over .500 in the last week and one freedom fly.

Hisanori Takahashi – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER and has been about as tasty as Kashi.  Member about two weeks ago when I said he’s getting by with a funky delivery that people aren’t familiar with?  Yeah, that’s over.

Nick Hundley – Home run yesterday as he bats .306 on the year.  He has a .380 BABIP, which is obscene for him.  He has very little pop and he’s around a .260 hitter.  I’d prefer about 20 other catchers over him.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 2 runs.  How do you hit cleanup, go 4-for-5 and not get any RBIs?  Headley might need to be added to the definition of yawnstipating.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 9 baserunners, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Damn, he was rocked!

Michael Wuertz – Got the save vs. the Twins because the A’s want Bailey to be rested for the upcoming series vs. the Angels.  There was no explanation for why Ryan Sweeney was hitting third.

Jack Cust – 3-for-4 and 7 for his last 13.  Cust is streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s.  Unlike Boone’s hair, he’s on a good type of streak right now.

Lou Marson – Hit his first homer of the year.  The Indians should not only leave Carlos Santana down in the minors, but they might want to trade him. /sarcasm

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  I swear, when I saw he had 2 hits, I looked to see if this was his first multiple hit game of the year.  Not a good sign.

Randy Wells – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  All the stats point to Wells being better than he has been, but you can’t afford to start him right now outside of NL-Only leagues.  All’s not Wells.

John Jaso – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs, a steal and a home run as the DH, hitting leadoff.  This was the first time a DH hit leadoff since 1983 when Billy Martin turned in a lineup card on a cocktail napkin.  John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt has little power and hits for a decent average.  For those reading from the beginning of this post and not skipping around willy-nilly, I’d take Jaso over Hundley.

Carlos Pena – The star of Friday’s Buy/Sell hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Where we putting the over/under for his homers this month?  8?  Not sure if I’d take the over or under.  Damn, those oddmakers are good!

Brad Lincoln – Pirates are calling up their top pitching prospect for Wednesday’s start.  First, let’s see what Stephen said in his Pirates Minor League Review, “Lincoln works a low-to-mid 90’s fastball, a power curve, and a changeup.  He keeps most of his pitches near the strike zone, which is both a plus and a negative – he gives up too many homers, especially when the ball is in the upper half of the zone.  If there’s one bone to pick, he’s never thrown a fastball at Grey’s big, stupid head.”  Hmm… That last sentence must’ve slipped by me.  Lincoln’s a fantasy number two to three starter in his prime, which he is not right now.  I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues, but he’s not worth bothering with in mixed leagues right now.  Best case scenario for this year in mixed leagues, he could have matchups appeal if he catches big league hitters by surprise.

Bobby Abreu – 0-for-6 as the Angels had 18 hits and 9 runs.  Ticker tease!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs, his 9th homer and one almost head nod from Scioscia.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-5 with his 9th homer as he hits near .500 over the last week.  For the first time in a while, Matsui is hitting some flies that have nothing to do with the porn stashed under his bed.

Adam Everett – Designated for assignment.  Leyland said, “”We just didn’t see anything happening (offensively) with Adam.”  Um, did they ever see, read or hear anything about Adam Everett that would’ve led them to believe otherwise?  This opens a spot for Danny Worth, who looks like a young Adam Everett, so there’s that.

Jeremy Bonderman – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hey, there’s the Blunderman we all recognize.

Manny Parra – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Anyone who’s read Razzball for a while knows the love I have for Parra.  He’s so tantalizing with his Ks!  Unfortunately, everything else is a mess.  I mean, c’mon, he has a 1.71 WHIP.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5, has two steals on the year.  In other news, Josh Willingham has 5 steals.  In other other news, Jason Kendall has 5 steals.  Matt Stairs has 2 steals!  Matt Stairs doesn’t have legs, he has feet glued onto two beer coolers.