You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York?  An A-Rod post-game party.  It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game.   Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs.  A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings.  Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year.  Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year.  Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins.  What an event!  Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey.  Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians.  How appropriate.  To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table.  Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad.  Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists.  You’re not making the playoffs anymore.  Thome’s not changing that.  As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else.  Um, okay.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year.  To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole.  I will forever refrain-cisco.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals.  He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.

Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him.  Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after a 4 IP, 5 ER start against the Braves.  The potential for Ks is there, so is the potential to get roofied.

Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good.  Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped.  My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP.  I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average.  If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty.  But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.

Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7.  The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams.  He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore.  The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.

Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes.  That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.

Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start.  Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.

Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired.  BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep.  Weird!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games.  Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Has 27 Ks in 21 games.  I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten.  Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP.  Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.

Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball.  Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.

  1. Terrence Mann says:

    How many times do I have to post the fact that Ricky Romero is a real life Russian nesting doll? Wait until next year when Drabek pops out.

  2. Adam Dunce says:

    Who is better rest of the way: Adam Jones or Desmond Jennings?

  3. Sea Pilot says:

    Thats Bryan Adams bitches

  4. Michael says:

    That’s the best day a New York base catcher has had since the Marriage Equality Act was passed!

    That’s the best day ANY catcher has had since Neil Patrick Harris proposed to his boyfriend!

  5. chata says:

    ryan braun didn’t steal a base , and you don’t say shizz ?

    wait .
    he didn’t play ?

    nether-mind .

  6. Tony says:

    Finally I can get my #25 Jim Thome Indians jersey back out of my closet! I knew I was saving that thing for a reason! GO TRIBE! Too bad they didn’t bring him back earlier on in the season….

  7. AP says:

    Grey…..going into a 2 week playoff run starting Monday in my H2H. Would I be nuts to drop BJ Upton or someone like Tabata? Some production>no production in my mind. Thanks.

  8. HldOnMgnolia says:

    Drop Lind/Krispie/Tabata for JD Martinez/LoMo/Carp?

  9. plasmaj says:

    Spanish for “Mini Donkey” = “Burrito”

  10. Bort Jenkins says:

    So, the real question I have is this, what is the opposite of a Donkey-corn? I’ve had the Ogandan giant for most of the season. Out of the gate he was great, then had post all star game let down OR PASGLD. But, that lasted only 4 starts, found his groove again until 3 games ago. Would this qualify as cream-corn?

  11. Oilcan Giuseppe says:

    I would bet that Cleveland,much like the Pirates,know damn well they arent making no stinkin’ playoffs.Adding Thome is just a cheap gesture made in an effort towards manipulating fans to show up.

    Like Pittsburgh adding Ludwick and Lee.They are telling their fans “see,we’re just like the Phillies.Y’know how they added Cliff Lee and Pence and Oswalt.Its just like that.”

    Grey:At this point who would you rather have for September,Strasburg or Hanson?….12 team 5×5

  12. Eddie says:

    My H2H opponent has Grandy and Russel Martin. Gonna be one of those weeks.

  13. Wilsonian says:

    Mayberry over Carp and/or Carlosly? Does he get enough ABs the ROS? If not, would someone go bust out Ibanez’s kneecap?

  14. Not saying the Yankees aren’t rich, but it’s not like Russell Martin and Nick Swisher weren’t available to most teams that would have shown interest. And the Tigers probably thought they were making a great deal swapping Austin J for Curtis G. A cap would have limited the Yankees to, what, 13 runs instead of 22?

  15. Dad says:

    16-team H2H league. i’m in first place by 1 game and I’m winning 12-0-2 and the guy behind me was losing 4-8-2 yesterday morning. I was hoping to clinch this weekend, but… he had ALL 3 NYY grand slams in his line-up and is now up 8-5-1. I don’t expect anyone to care, but that’s one hell of a statistical anomaly.

    PS. Tip of the cap for getting two self-arousal jokes in one write-up.

  16. JoeC says:

    You know, being a couple years into their relationship, I’m not so sure that Ryan Adams “loves” having sex with Mandy Moore. In fact, at this point, he may utterly loathe it.

  17. papasmurf says:

    Penny says he was shouting at Rodriguez for cursing as he was running the bases. It sounds like the truth is somewhere in the middle.

  18. CT Old School says:

    Pudding on your chest? Really?

  19. malacoda says:

    No props for Russ Martin? I decided to spot start him at catcher yesterday and I spurted when I saw the line.

  20. Wake Up says:

    Ryan Adams traded in the Cardinals for the Orioles…ouch…

  21. Adam says:

    Best ROS option (good health is a factor):

    W Davis

  22. Pops says:

    Ryan Adams produced two albums with the backing band – The Cardinals.

  23. Steve says:

    Hi Grey! 20-team roto with walks (with Stephen coincidentally), would you rather have Harden or Dickey the rest of the way?

  24. ernie says:

    Haren @ TEX – start or sit?

  25. malacoda says:

    Oops I guess I blazed passed it.

  26. BookieBob says:

    So I’m driving to work this morning (late as usual), listening to Pandora.

    I see the album cover for Train – Drops of Jupiter on the display, and a quick glance at the song title, my brain says “Hodgepadre”.

    WTF? I look again, and it says “Hopeless”.

    Eeee yeahhh boyeee – it’s gonna be one of them dayz.

  27. Lines says:

    Time to sell Stauffer? Coming down to playoff time, it seems like there are better options available.

  28. Lines says:

    (Like a batting tee.)

  29. loudawg says:

    hey grey, would you start lily vs colorado and/or ubaldo vs KC? Its a 10 team mix roto, but i have a lot or work to do in era and whip so I have to be a little picky with starts? Also are these two pitchers droppable?

  30. herschel says:

    @Grey: ive been that guy at the atm machine and going straight to the pass line. really struck a chord. the truth hurts…happy friday.

  31. Lines says:

    Re: Stauffer – On further review, you’re right. It was really just the start against Cincy that made him look bad lately. Other than that, he’s continued to be the same effective (if yawnstipating) pitcher he’s been all year.

  32. fitz says:

    Funny how you told everybody to grab Minor in every league in April and avoid Beachy.

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