What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera. Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals. As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.” The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year. 18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast. Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past. And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues. It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup. So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer. Hmm… That sounded better in my head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Randy Wells - 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish. But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells. During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around. The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts. Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently. I grew excited. Not in that way. Then I thought about picking him up. Luckily, I didn’t. He’s the devil.
Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th. He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday. Or is it still Florida? How can they change their name? There’s so much history! This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.” Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”
Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season. Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted. Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens. These are the kind of things that interest me. I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.
Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL. I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K. For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.
B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. I like Upton a lot. I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name. Why don’t others like him? Do I sound needy?
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games. BP is doing work, son. On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game. September Grey is so empathic.
Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games. Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish. I just freestyled that.
Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Number one reason I don’t bet on sports. Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed. It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.
Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K. That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.
Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.
Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER. When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”
Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI. Make a wish. Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.
Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year. Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.
Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.
Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win. That’s what Cy Young voters look at.
Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run. Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career. Where else do you get such insight? I ask you, where else?!
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs. He could have a breakout season next year too. It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball. Aren’t you glad the week’s over?
Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. First start of three where he’s looked competent. He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.
Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday. Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day. He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night. I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow…. He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’” What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse? Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?