Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues. (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good. I’m hip, snitches!) In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average. It was in the PCL though, where they pump helium into their stadiums. And, now, guess what? Well, he’s getting called up, I mean that’s obvious, isn’t it? Why else am I talking about him? In deeper leagues, I’d grab Cowgill to see if he can translate his power and speed combo to the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ian Kinsler – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. Andrus went 3-for-6, 2 RBIs; Hamilton 2-for-4, 3 RBIs; Napoli 4-for-5; Cruz 4-for-6; Young hit a homer. Frankly, the Rangers scoring summary was denser than David Foster Wallace footnotes.
Chris Davis – 0-for-6 while the Rangers scored 20 runs. That is an incredible ticker tease. It almost seems mathematically impossible it’s so epic. Though Davis is more like a career tease. He wears low cut skirts and a chastity belt. (BTW, Davis also had two errors. Too bad none of my fantasy teams have a slot for a futility player.)
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 yesterday as he was promoted after Alex Presley was seen leaving the building. I think the Pirates and Pedro agreed to forget that the first half ever happened. Pirates collective voice, “Pedro, just hit like you did last 2nd half. We’ll blame the first half on one of the many subpar 3Bs we’ve had over the years. Pedro Alvarez, nah? That was Jose Hernandez. Or Andy LaRoche. Or Jose Bautista– Oops, can’t use that one anymore.”
James McDonald – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. He was in last Friday’s Buy/Sell. He was on the left side, which is the right side. Weird!
Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with a slam and legs as he returned from the DL. Unfortunately, this is Glass Chipper we’re talking about and he was removed from the game with a tight quad. I’d say he’s day-to-day, but with Chipper it’s more like minute-to-minute.
Cliff Lee – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Padres in Philly. Imagine the Padres called a hitter-friendly stadium home? Then they’d have mediocre pitching to go along with mediocre hitting.
R.A. Dickey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks). How do they have a Dickey/Leake matchup and not have former Reds pitching coach, Dick Pole, throw out the first pitch? Okay, okay. Instead of saying a ball was hit up the middle, the announcers should’ve said it went through the vas deferns. All right, all right. When Dickey was facing Leake, did he shake off the curve? Okay, that’s enough. Geez.
Jason Isringhausen – Got another save, but you should wait until the trading deadline to drop Parnell. That’s me reiterating me!
Dan Haren – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Finally someone snuck in and changed his calendars back to June. See, you don’t need acne to get proactive.
Jason Kubel – 2-for-4 and a homer. I’m not a huge fan, but if you’re struggling for power, wouldn’t hurt to try Kubel.
Ezequiel Carrera – 0-for-3. Know what would be utterly fantastic? If the guy whose name is Spanish for squirrel, would run like one. Stop worrying about your Amish morals and steal a base, Ezequiel!
Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. I wouldn’t own Fausto in any league so this isn’t about him. Do you get the sense the Indians are hoping they lose some games so they don’t have to pretend to trade for players?
Carlos Lee – 1-for-4 with a grand slam. 2nd day in a row with a homer. Looks like Chuck Lee is the Flavor Flav of the week for power.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in two games. You can keep beating down Colby, but he’s a Survivor.
Yadier Molina – The youngest member of the Flying Molina Bros. has now hit a homer in three straight games.
Lance Berkman – Big Puma is out for a day or two with a rotator cuff strain. Coincidentally, my Mercury Cougar’s out for a day or two with an alternator issue. Nothing a little mustache grease can’t fix.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, now hitting .412 since his call up. If you’re having issues with your middle infidel, could be worth the flyer.
Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Season ERA at 3.22. Him and Danks are like Trader Joe’s wine. Are you impressing anyone with it? Nope, but it does get the job done and it’s not as bad as you think.
Sergio Santos – Didn’t get the save because Ozzie had Sale open the ninth in a 3-run game. After the game, Ozzie tweeted, “My H2H opponent has Santos. #sorryputas”
Juan Pierre – 2-for-5 with his 16th steal and 12th caught stealing. Jonah Hill in Moneyball would not be impressed.
Jason Vargas – 4 IP, 4 ER. I said this last time, but not everyone reads every day. I get it, you have to tend to your crops in Farmville. Either way, Vargas is no longer ownable in most mixed leagues.
Kevin Youkilis – Left Monday’s contest with hamstring tightness. The Jewish Youkilis should know better than to mess with hamstrings.
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal. I’m gonna photocopy Jennings’ face onto a thousand doilies and fashion a dress out of it, then walk around singing, “Don’t mess with my Desmond Tutu!”
Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has an ERA of 3.49. I have my shades drawn so my solar calculator doesn’t work, but could someone tell me the collective ERA for all starters in the NL West?
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Harangutan now has 9 wins and a 3.45 ERA. Boy am I glad I drafted Liriano!
Cameron Maybin – Out for a few games with a strained hip flexor. When he returns, his coming up to bat song will no longer be The Twist.
Kyle Blanks – 7 Ks in 13 ABs. He fills in the blanks with K’s. Yi_es! Quit stri_ing out, you motherfuc_er!