Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.” So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz. Let’s start with Colby. Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)! Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench. I’m sure Colby will be empathic. “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.” That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time. Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way. Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction. Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada. His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade. Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it. Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat? I’m not entirely sure. His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24. All of his good years have come in the AL. Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle. In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.
Octavio Dotel – To the Cards. I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.
Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield. I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus. Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs. That looks pretty yawnstipating to me. As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse. Speaking of which…
Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto. Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.
Mark Teahen – Was traded too. So he’s still in baseball? Good for him.
Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.
Carlos Beltran – To the Giants. Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral. Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy). Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.
Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted. You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer. Will now be the guy to replace Beltran. It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song! The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing. The negatives: he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs. In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season. I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.
Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17. That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.
Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised. I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.
Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. This trade deadline story made me giggle. The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano. “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano. No, thank you!” Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”
Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage! But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.
James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER. Ouch. Wait, what? Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.
Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer. He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne. Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.
Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year. Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau. Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year. How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?
Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year. His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever. If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already. The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear. Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center. In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed. He’s just a’ight. I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.
John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there). Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.
Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second. You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him. My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper. So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.
Justin Upton – 2 homers. He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist. You know, the one that frosts his tips.
Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137. Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.
Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals. M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.
Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs. He really seized the day.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs. Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July. That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN. You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?
Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.
Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer. Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits. After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July. What an odyssey for Hosmer.
Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row. When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.
Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”
Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday. The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say? Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game. See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.” With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do. Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.