How good is Vladimir Guerrero Jr.? The Blue Jays are now saying they’d like to see how he deals with failure. He’s so good, he’s never failed! He will be up by mid-June. The Jays can longer hold him down anymore without concocting fake reasons. Very soon you’re going to read this from me: “Vlad, the Mini Impaler, just jacked another homer to go with his .320 average. Aren’t you glad you listened to me and grabbed him back in mid-May? You didn’t grab him? Aw, shucks, you did a hashtag fail on that one, didn’t you? It’s all right, there should be another generational talent up in five years. I hear Bartolo Colon’s got 17 sons — one could be up soon and light the world on fire, or at least put the world in a microwave, open the door 30 seconds before the world is fully heated and eat it.” And that’s me quoting future me! So, do you wanna be the guy (or girl who can totally hang with the guys), saying, “Damn, Grey, you’re handsome AF but your witticisms cut deep sometimes.” Or do you want to read my wound-salting barbs and think, “I’m so glad I own Vlad. Now who is this Bartolo Colon Jr. he’s talking about? I should comment calling him Bartolo Semi-Colon and totally make Grey cackle!” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Devin Mesoraco – Here’s 2 Live Ew with their smash hit, Me So Raco! “Sittin’ at home watching the pitcher with a ball, so I got out my fingers for a pitch to call…”
C.J. Cron – Headed for the season everyone knew he could have if he played. Well, everyone but The Sciosciapath apparently. I will now have Rotowear make me a shirt with Cron’s face that says “Be Ceej” and sit outside of The Sciosciapath’s house in a military jeep.
John Hicks – I actually own Hicks in my NFBC league, and I’ve never started him because my corners are stacked, but I likely would be doing better recently if I started Hicks over Bellinger.
Niko Goodrum – Visual Metaphor Alert! Puts 151 rum into mouth, ignites lighter, spits 151 at flame, flames shoot onto nearby wall that has been doused in gasoline so it reads “Niko is a hot schmotato” in flames.
Howie Kendrick – You know what I’d like to see along with ownership numbers? The percentage where a guy is being played. For unstints, Howie is a great MI and 2nd UTIL, but how many are playing him at 2B or OF? I wonder if Rudy can do this. The problem with this, obviously, is some people put Kendrick in at 2B and have Altuve at MI. If you asked them, they’d call Kendrick their MI, but they don’t have their team set up that way. I guess what I’m asking is why don’t more people have OCD?!
Tyler Saladino – Fun fact! A Tyler Salad is a dish featured on the latest Netflix Chef’s Table, where a Dutch chef braids his hair with romaine lettuce and diners wash his lettuce head at a sink with olive oil and vinegar. However, Tyler Saladino is a hot schmotato.
Matt Duffy – I hesitated adding Duffy to this list, because he’s been nursing an injury this week, but I dared to list him anyway. I am a daring lister, one with great courage. Hugh Glass wrestled bears and inspired the movie, The Revenant. I am the Hugh Glass of listing players on a fantasy baseball blog.
Jedd Gyorko – Some weeks it feels like we’re grasping at the cigarettes that broke Joe Camel’s lung, but this week it feels like there’s legit guys who could have lasting impacts. The Cards seem just about done with Matt Carpenter, which is good news for Gyorko, jerko (stutterer!).
Brandon Crawford – On our last 7-day Player Rater (yes, we have one of those too), it shows Crawford is doing work, above Trea Turner, Bogaerts, Correa, uh hmm, there’s not a lot of shortstops to point out that are supposed to good, huh?
Travis Jankowski – Things have a way of working themselves out. Baseball lost one Pollock this week, but gained Jankowski.
Matt Joyce – Didja know Matt farts into his hand and throws it at teammates, saying, “Joyce will be Joyce?” Also, true, he’s currently a scalding schmotato and the Hitter-Tron is like, “Yo, I wanna push a pipe cleaner up my rear hole.”
Adam Duvall – I’m in a pinch, as my puppet — a dead lobster — would say. I really need Schebler to do something, but Duvall is heating up.
Tyler Clippard – This week was a glorious time for SAGNOF. Reminds me the time in 2013 when Kevin Gregg gazed skyward with his sports goggles and said, “Hey, big man, I got this,” and Carlos Marmol tried to get big man’s attention and threw seven straight pitches over the backstop. Shrimp Tepera and Sandra Oh could also be in the mix.
Justin Anderson – Did I say a glorious time for SAGNOF? Yo, it’s a clusterfudge shituation on this closerousel we call SAGNOF. In Anaheim That Is Not Los Angeles, I’d put the closers-of-the-moment at Anderson, Blake Parker, then Cam Bedrosian.
Bruce Rondon – Also, Nate Jones could see saves for the White Sox, which means bupkis or everythingkis. On one team, I have Rondon, Anderson, Ramos, Winkler and Clippard, and I might have five closers or none.
Edubray Ramos – Saving the best for last! And by ‘best’ I mean most gloriously messy bullpen shituations. Gabe Kapler thinks he’s managing the 7th game of the World Series in May, and using matchups in the ninth to get one out. Yo, Kapler, maybe you go easy on the green M&M’s.
Ryan Braun – Our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool is like, “Yo, Grey, you have you computer upside down, Braun’s a Buy.” I would like to buy Braun, then feed him to a family of Samardzijas. Not even sure if it’s realistic to sell Braun, can you get anything for him? What if you call him by his initials and say he’s got great roast beef?
Christian Yelich – Sticking with the Brewers’ theme, but not really. Braun is on an island all by himself, the Isle of Friquinn Injurious. “Baby Face” Yelich, however, is striking out at a much higher rate, walking less, doing his usual ground ball bit — yo, that bit was stale the first five years we saw it — and is looking less like a boon in Milwaukee than anyone expected. He appears pretty similar to what we saw in Miami, with just less male valets, but everyone loses male valets when they leave Miami. Check out what you can get for Yelich on our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer. I would not trade him for the opportunity to use a urinal next to R. Kelly, but I would explore options.