As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.
When did pitchers become such complete morons?
Michael Pineda’s pine tar party is way old news now, but let’s just go back and revisit what was truly dumb about it: It’s not that he tried to use pine tar, it’s that he tried to hide it on his neck!
Last week’s dummy was Matt Cain. Apparently, he read some of the scouting reports that said his 2013 was a tale of two-halves, which might have given him the idea to make a sandwich in the Giants’ clubhouse before the team’s game last Tuesday against the Padres. Whoops! Cain sliced his index finger instead of a tomato, or whatever, and had to be scratched. It’s not dumb that Cain wanted to have a sandwich on game day. It’s idiotic that he had to make one himself. Don’t they bring in catering before the game? Why are they making their own sandwiches? Aren’t these guys pampered millionaires?
There is an actual fantasy point here. What made Cain’s first half of 2013 so rough is that he was giving up dongs despite his ability to keep the ball in the yard throughout his career. This year he’s yielded five homers, which is up among the league leaders, but not horrid. The sandwich debacle hurts because Cain needed to bounce back strong after a poop-fest in Colorado that followed two quality starts in losses.
The good news is he has two starts in pitcher friendly parks this week (PNC Park and Dodger Stadium). The bad news is that damn cut kept opening up last week when Cain tried to throw. What if it flies open in Pittsburgh and someone mistakes the blood for ketchup and slathers it on their Primanti Bros. sandwich?
Dumber things have happened. Like, say, messing around with a knife before you start a major league game …
… and some of these two-start pitcher rankings. Enjoy!
Must Start
Max Scherzer (HOU, MIN), Clayton Kershaw (@WAS, SF), Zack Greinke (@WAS, SF)
KFC’s Double Down is back. Clayton Kershaw is back. Coincidence? I think not. When I see Kershaw’s name back atop the Dodgers’ rotation next to Greinke and his 5-0 record, my mouth starts watering. It’s like I’m literally looking at the Double Down’s “bread” – two boneless fried chicken breasts – and I wanna grab the bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and Col. Sanders’ “special sauce” that goes in the middle of this $5 heart attack. While it’s looking like a lock that Kershaw will start Tuesday in Washington, the return of another ace, Chris Sale, is still way up in the air. If he’s back, his match-ups alone make him a must-start, but if not, we’ll probably see one of the Sox crappy starters.
First Tier
Yordano Ventura (@SD, @SEA), Jeff Samardzija (CWS, @ATL), Tim Hudson (@PIT, @LAD), Nate Eovaldi (NYM, @SD)
Yordano has had a few brilliant performances, but then there are the other games, like last week’s awkward start against the Blue Jays, where he did his best Scarface impression and fired off all of his bullets too soon. He’s in the First Tier a) Because he’s Yordano and b) I love those matchups/parks. Hudson has been sneaky tight, and he gets the same favorable parks as Cain this week.
Second Tier
Mark Buehrle (@PHI, LAA), Shelby Miller (@ATL, @PIT), Martin Perez (@COL, BOS), Aaron Harang (STL, CHC), Scott Kazmir (SEA, WAS), Roenis Elias (@OAK, KC), Jon Niese (@MIA, PHI), Homer Bailey (@BOS, COL), Drew Hutchison (@PHI, LAA), Chris Tillman (@TB, HOU), Matt Cain (@PIT, @LAD), Robbie Ray (HOU, MIN), Jordan Lyles (TEX, @CIN), Jered Weaver (NYY, @TOR), Henderson Alvarez (NYM, @SD), Matt Garza (ARZ, NYY), Kyle Kendrick (TOR, @NYM), Jeremy Guthrie (@SD, @SEA)
Some writers have just about every pitcher in the league slated for Regression. He’s good now, some sabermetric thingy says he’s going to eventually suck, so Regression is imminent. That’s what they’re saying about Buehrle, who has nowhere to go but a 4.00 ERA and a .500 record, apparently. But Buehrle became one of only a handful of starters with five wins after his big bounce back effort on Thursday against the Royals, which was much-needed after his April 25 bashing at the hands of Boston. Some Yahoo guy did a cool story on how Buehrle is really in a groove with his rhythm and pacing. Sounds like Progression is on tap, not Regression! Also: If the Tribe finally bring up Trevor Bauer and he gets two starts, he’d go somewhere in the middle of this tier, maybe higher.
Third Tier
Chris Archer (BAL, CLE), Robbie Ross (@COL, BOS), Robbie Erlin (KC, MIA), David Phelps (@LAA, @MIL), Eric Stults (KC, MIA), Chris Young (@OAK, KC), Jarred Cosart (@DET, @BAL), Kyle Gibson (@CLE, @DET), Juan Nicasio (TEX, @CIN), Edwin Jackson (CWS, @ATL), Jose Quintana (@CHC, ARZ), Zach McAllister (MIN, @TB), Mike Bolsinger (@MIL, @CWS)
The Padres here, Erlin and Stults, each have two starts in Petco this week, but don’t let that get you too excited. Both have the ability to get absolutely destroyed out there, and the Marlins have been ripping lately. And how far did they move those fences in again? Also: Don’t screw up and start Robbie Ross instead of Robbie Ray. Big difference, me thinks.
Don’t start
Brett Oberholtzer (@DET, @BAL), Mike Pelfrey (@CLE, @DET)
It seems like Pelfrey gets two starts every week. Yo Ron Gardenhire, you can skip dudes in the rotation. Unless you thoroughly enjoy watching that gangly goof Pelfrey. If so, then by all means, carry on. Speaking of which, it’s looking like the Phils will skip Roberto Hernandez, who would have pitched at home against Toronto and in New York against the Mets. Even an idiot like Ryne Sandberg knows when to sit a garbage pitcher every once in a while.
