Andrew McCutchen went 3-for-4 with his 21st homer yesterday, and now has five homers in his last 4 games. On the year, he’s batting .371. For s’s and g’s, I went back to look at April comments about McCutchen when he had zero homers and only 7 RBIs through the first month. Y’all are ridiculously fickle. Or refickulous, if portmanteaus do it for you. BTW, if anyone out there wants to open a store selling pickles, I’d go with the name, That’s Repickulous! Gotta have the exclamation mark, too. Some of those comments from April go like this, “I don’t understand this site’s man crush on Andrew McCutchen. He’s not worth where you ranked him, and this comment is written by a man who actually appreciates your feathered hair as much as your mustache!” There’s about five dozen comments in that vein. One person totally lost their shizz when I recommended The Dread Pirate over Granderson. It was like they had a guinea pig named Granderson and I ran him over. Then there was the guy who said Carl Crawford would be back in a week and be better than McCutchen. He also claimed to have invented the wrap sandwich and went by the handle, Bobby V. If I remember next March, I’m going to assemble some of the best April overreaction comments from this year. “Grey, should I cut bait on Gallardo?” Refickulous! Oh, and McCutchen is wonderful. You’re welcome! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, but if you remove this game, that Cardinals game where Burnett got roughed up, that other game and half of that other other game, A.J.’s having a great year!
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks after being tattooed so badly in the All-Star Game he looked like Justin Salander.
Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer. He was ranked all the way down at 90th in the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2012 fantasy baseball, but I think he’s going to be much higher than that for me next year. I’ve come around on him in a big way. You cut your Ks and up your walks and that’s what happens.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but the big story is Ryan Howard and Chase Utley are both back with the Phillies. Wait, that was last week’s big story. This week’s story that no one that owns them wants to talk about is they’re not playing enough or doing anything when they are.
Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. That’s four more than Charles Darwin ever hit. We are evolving! If that’s evolution, I don’t know. I’m not a science teacher with an ink stain in my shirt pocket and a bad combover. Usually The Purple Evolutionist gets hot for a few days at a time, i.e., last time he homered he hit another two days later and went 7-for-10 over the the next 3 days.
Yoenis Cespedes – 4-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games, which gives him 11 homers on the year and a .283 average. He hasn’t been bad, but whoever made his recruitment video with him outrunning a jackalope and pooping out a whole midget should get an Oscar.
Jonny Gomes – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Something no one talks about is Jonny Gomes is West Coast Ty Wigginton (which made it so odd when they had that East Coast-West Coast beef because Ty recorded that song, Who Shot Ya…Was it Cliff Pennington?). Gomes could run off a streak of 5 homers in a 10 game span.
Chris Carter – 1-for-2 with a homer. Too bad Chris Carter wasn’t around when Mulder was pitching for the A’s. Then they could’ve had Scully call the game. Chris Berman looked at his stats and says, “All Chris Carter does is hit home runs!” which means he’ll kill your average, won’t steal bases, and probably won’t help your runs and RBIs. In the past, he’s been compared to Ryan Howard. That was meant to be a compliment. Right now, he’s crazy hot. Has 5 homers since his call-up in only 9 games. He’s platooning right now with Brandon Moss, but the A’s need to figure out a way to get both bats in the lineup.
Heath Bell – Dealing with a sore calf. That never happens in the Nippon League as all calves there are generously massaged.
Juan Carlos Oviedo – Headed to get his sore elbow checked out. Only he calls it his knee.
Ricky Nolasco – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. C’mon, doode, you’re supposed to be good in July. Or maybe he was pronouncing it in Spanish as in Youlie.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.59. Oh, yeah, that’s the reason why we draft him and endure a terrible April every year.
Chipper Jones – 2-for-4, and he’s hitting around .420 in July. Pothead! I grabbed him in one league, and imagine he’ll be injured by Wednesday, so that’s when I’ll drop him.
Ben Sheets – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Metropolitans. I’ll tell ya what, he looked better than Oswalt’s looked. I was probably too hard on this integral member of the Bennis Carpensheeters. As the definition for this states, “A pitcher who is effective when healthy but isn’t effective at staying healthy.” Right now, Sheets is healthy, so I could see taking a flyer on him. BTW, if you just went to the Razzball glossary for Bennis Carpensheeter, you might’ve saw this but if not, the glossary now has some pronunciations. Click the little Victrola by a word. I think you’ll enjoy Sparky Anklebiter.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and he was cleared in the sexual assault case. Judge ruled she should feel special given how hard it is to get pandas to mate. “Is that a bamboo stalk in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Melky Cabrera – The All-Star Game hero is out a few days on paternity leave. I hope they name the little one, Half Pint.
Matt Harrison – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Geez, the way he’s beating his xFIP he may as well be sleeping with Fangraphs Database’s sister.
Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks as Dodgers errors tagged 4 unearned runs on Capuano’s line. Ticker shock!
Chase Headley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, but now he goes back to Petco so… *raspberries lips* In all seriousness, why don’t they move in the fences in that godforsaken park? Do they want their top homer hitter getting 17 homers on the year all on the road? It’s like old Yankee Stadium out there when the monuments were in the outfield, only they have a Randy Jones statue, because of their rich history. If they’re too lazy to move the fences in, just remove them. Think of the fun when sharply hit gappers go into the picnic section. “Maybin’s retrieved the ball–No, he just threw in someone’s apple!”
Chad Billingsley – Scheduled for an MRI. Aren’t we all?! Even if the MRI on his elbow comes back straight as an arrow, he’s probably headed for the DL.
Jed Lowrie – To the DL with a sprained ankle. Glass Chipper Jr. made it a good three months before his latest injury. Baby steps, Lowrie…. Okay, try baby crawl. Replacing him the last few games is Marwin Gonzalez (2-for-4 yesterday). He’s terrible at, uh, baseball. He should come to the plate with the song Marvin’s Room playing though. That would be awesome, since it’s the best song ever with a shizzload of spoken words, usually those type of songs are tizzerrible. “Baby, you like mustaches and you like fantasy baseball. When I dream, I’m like Marlee Matlin’s translator reading your signs.” That’s me writing a spoken word R&B song.
Bud Norris – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks. I just have to look at Bud and I belch.
Sergio Santos – Undergoing season-ending shoulder surgery by the seashore. Janssen becomes a mid-tiered Donkeycorn.
Carlos Villanueva – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. I actually like Chuck Newtown as a deeper league flyer, but he gets the Sawx and Tigers next, so blah.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 5th steal. Oh, and on a side note, why did I get a magazine with a naked Jose Bautista on the cover? Now when I see my mailman, he’s flirting with me. He’s a handsome guy. I’m flattered. But still. Does ESPN even know their audience? Why do I need to see male athletes naked? Did this come out of a focus group they did with Tom Cruise, Hugh Jackman and other actors who are posing as straight?
Jason Hammel – Will miss a month with knee surgery to remove a piece of loose cartilage. Did you know in Lancaster, Pennsylvania they call a promiscuous Amish girl a loose carriage?
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer since I told you to buy him. For those keeping score at home, Te(i)x is the third week in a row I’ve told you to buy someone and they’ve homered twice that day. Also, for those keeping score at home, how do you mark it when I get one wrong? You write an opposite down G?
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 6 ER. That’s an opposite down G.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with his 25th homer. More like a G on its side, but it’s leaning on its head and about to tip over. And I’ve taken this as far as it will go.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer, and remarkably only has 5 steals. Though, he continues to keep his hot bat alive. But what did Mike Trout do?!
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with his 24th homer. He’s The Rally Honkey!
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Okay, I really think he’s going to suddenly get shutdown and we’re gonna miss a good 6 weeks of him, but in all seriousness, I’m so glad we own him in an AL-Only league.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 and batting .400 in the 2nd half of the season! As I tell my girlfriends, it’s not the size of the sample, it’s the angle you’re looking at it from.
Mike Aviles – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer. He also has 9 steals, but most of that goodness came early on in the season (5 homers, 3 steals in April). He has hit in five straight and .400 over the last week, so this could be the start of another good month or so.
Carl Crawford – Will be activated on Monday. He would’ve been back sooner, but it was Youkilis’s fault said Bobby Valentine.
Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. James Shields who went 5 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 5 Ks. Shields and Beckett now both have a 4.44 ERA. Funny enough (which means this is not funny at all), I compared Beckett and Shields in the preseason when I told you to not draft them. Here’s what I said, “Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs. What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy). Like a 1800’s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jairo Beras – Suspended for one year for lying about his age. Luis Polonia wonders why there’s a double standard when women lie about their age.
