Happy Black Friday! Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday! As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond. “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!” The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte. What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker. Mariners, you’re the sucker. If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder. If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker. As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.” Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee! Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP. That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA. The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet. He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it. For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:
Ketel Marte – Also sent to the Diamondbacks for a career year from Segura. Poor Mariners, drank, they must’ve took a few head shots, drank, sit down you got had, drank, stand up and admit you got had, drank, pass out the complimentary tickets to get fans to attend Safeco, drank, Diamondbacks faded you, drank, you didn’t need to send Ketel too, drank. As of right now, Marte isn’t on the Opening Day roster, but it’s early, drank.
Jean Segura – Went the other way in the Walker trade. How I feel about this trade is more clear than Flint drinking water. I like Segura, but he is not the 20-homer, 30-steal, .320-hitting guy he was last year. Aren’t you supposed to build around young pitchers too? Isn’t that Fix Your Team 101? Don’t worry, Mariners fans are among the loudest homers, so you’ll hear all about how this is a great trade for them. Yeah, mmhmm. I rolled my eyes real hard between the yeah and the mmhmm. You couldn’t even see my irises in the middle of the roll. That’s how hard I roll! For 2017, I’ll give Segura projections of 83/11/46/.274/27 in 580 ABs.
Carlos Ruiz – Acquired by the Mariners. During the playoffs, I thought about Carlos Ruiz on the Dodgers and how he should be out baseball because he is so useless with the bat, so, of course, the M’s traded for him. Did the AL West make some kind of world banking conspiracy pact to keep offense artificially low? I blame the juice. Hmm…I was using Siri to dictate that last sentence and it’s prolly for the best.
Danny Valencia – Traded to the Mariners. After his fight with Billy Butler, Valencia was no longer welcome in Oakland, but he was welcome in the WWE, UFC and any buffet where Butler is at to get him the hell out of there. If Valencia is used in the LLAMAS context, he has no value — no Valuencia? For 2017, I’ll give him 51/15/59/.281/2.
Nori Aoki – Astros claimed him off waivers. Aoki is one of those guys that sneaks into the lineup at the end of March and people start grabbing him and saying things like, “Grey, you are my mustachioed Jesus, but I have to say I’m surprised you’re not more excited about Aoki. He looks like he’s leading off!” Yeah, he’ll leadoff for one week the first week of April, get picked up off waivers, then immediately dropped when people realize he’s terrible. For 2017, I’ll give him 54/5/24/.279/12
Brian McCann – Traded to the Astros. The Yankees are your newly-divorced dad. They broke it off with their old bittie, and now are trying to get themselves a squeeze that is half their age. Whether that marriage was to A-Rod or Te(i)x, McCann was the stepchild that had to go too. “Sorry, Brian, but as your stepdaddy, I’d like to say I never really loved you, but tried to make it work when I was in that backwards AF marriage. I’ve cancelled your credit card, and good luck.” That’s the Yankees saying goodbye to McCann. For 2017, I’ll give McCann the projections of 66/19/75/.237/1 in 418 ABs. Oh, and here’s what I said on the Twitter Machine the other day:
Astros supposedly asked Evan Gattis how Brian McCann was as a player in Atlanta and Gattis gave three grunts. Three grunts is good. pic.twitter.com/YKKPnumtl9
— Razzball (@Razzball) November 17, 2016
Josh Reddick – Signed with the Astros, and there goes my A.J. Reed fantasy right out the window. Or will Yulieski Gurriel disappoint in the preseason and Reed does make the Astros? Or will Reddick hurt himself as he does every year? Or McCann? Or Gattis? Or will Jake 61*-nick not make it to April with a starting job? I’ll give you a little backstage glance. My stress gauge lowers about three octaves when the regular season starts just so everyday jobs are decided. One thing that is certain is Reddick will have an everyday job if he’s injury-free. By the by, Reddick’s brother has a billboard for STD testing in West Hollywood, his name is Gosh Reddick. For 2017, I’ll give Reddick the projections of 59/17/68/.269/7 in 424 ABs.
Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Angels. His last two ‘full’ seasons have looked like this: 10 HRs, 23 SBs, .267 and 8 HRs, 26 SBs, .243. There’s a chance here for a cheap Fowler that Trout drives in so much that Maybin actually has a bit of value in 12-team leagues. More likely: Maybin is on and off fantasy waivers for the better part of the year. In 2017, I’ll give him 74/6/48/.271/19 in 490 ABs.
Jesse Chavez – Signed with the Angels. I’ve liked Chavez for a few seasons, and every year he’s in a rotation in the preseason then in the bullpen come April. If he’s still in the rotation come February, I’ll project him then, for now I’ll say, the Angels should give him a rotation spot.
Andrew Cashner – Signed with the Rangers. Last year calling Petco and Crayola Canyon home and his ERA was 5.25 with a 1.53 WHIP. I actually think Cashner can do better in 2017. Say, a 4.80 ERA and 1.45 WHIP? This signing is gonna turn out as ugly as Cashner’s beard. Yeah, Cashner is cashed.
Kendrys Morales – Signed with the Jays. Look at the Jays getting younger! Sure, only about six months younger, but imagine we were all six months younger. We’d all get to enjoy the RNC one more time! Somewhere, likely arguing with a dead ump, Earl Weaver must be so impressed with the Jays’ three-run-homer offense. They’re like the teenager who is riding the train for free and to avoid the ticker taker they go station to station. For 2017, I’ll give Morales the projections of 73/29/89/.268.
Lourdes Gurriel – The 23-year-old signed with the Jays for a seven-year $22-million contract after his 32-year-old brother signed for five years and $47.5 million. I wonder if this is a sign that the Cuban signing bubble has burst, which is much less calamitous than a bubble bursting into Fidel’s beard. “My Bubblicious is all over the fickin’ place!” That’s Fidel bursting a bubble. In Lourdes’ last season in Cuba (which is often compared to Triple-A), he had 10 HRs, 8 SBs and .344 in only 218 ABs. On a real baseball note, I love the cheap buy by (stutterer!) the Jays. On a fantasy note, I’ve heard him compared to Sean Rodriguez. That feels unfair since Lourdes is young and could grow into something, and, watching Lourdes, he looks nothing like Sean-Rod. Lourdes looks like slap hitter that could poke out 12 HRs and hit .290. Ton of unknown here, for 2017, I’ll give him 17/2/14/.281/3 in 130 ABs and an August promotion.
Jason Castro – Signed with the Twins. Castro is reliable; he hit 11 HRs and .211 in 2015, and 11 HRs and .210 in 2016. The preceding is an example of how the adjective reliable isn’t always a positive.
Howie Kendrick – Traded to the Phillies. Who’d the Dodgers let him out for? Ruf! Ruf! Ruf! BLAAAAW, Howie like me now?! The ripper will not allow! Sorry, I just mashed up terrible with wonderful — terrerful? I don’t mind this move for Kendrick for an NL-Only league. As long as he stays on the field, he will get at-bats. For mixed leagues, he’s pretty meh. I’ll give the projections of 71/10/55/.262/10 in 475 ABs.
Sean Rodriguez – Signed with the Braves. Hey, wasn’t someone just talking about Sean-Rod? It was either me or you and I don’t think I was the one talking about– *intern whispers in my ear* It was me, when discussing Lourdes of the Underground. Sean-Rod is a platoon player, so *raspberries lips* there’s that.
R.A. Dickey – Signed one-year deal with the Braves. In honor of the Braves signing R.A. Dickey, during his starts, Braves fans should tomahawk with a cock and balls. When this signing first went down, Prospector Ralph mentioned how we should pre-order the new book, “Cox to Dickey: The History of the Atlanta Braves.” For 2017, I’ll give him 9-13/3.86/1.33/158 in 205 IP.
Bartolo Colon – Also signed with Atlanta. Dickey/Colon sounds like an after-shower spray Lorenzo Lamas and The Situation would endorse. For 2017, I’ll give him 10-12/3.92/1.23/122 in 187 IP.
