Ryan Zimmerman should just join a kickball league.  His upper stuff doesn’t work right.  He’s got a bad case of waist-up-is-not-up-to-snuff-is.  He should tent his entire body, because he’s got an infestation of the bad health termites.  They lay dormant, living off of bacteria that is produced naturally by your secretions.  Then one day you wake up and you dive into the 2nd base bag and break your thumb.  The preceding was taken directly from WebMD, I can’t vouch for its accuracy.  It’s a thumbpocalypse!  So, Zimmerman’s gonna be out for six weeks with a broken thumb.  I’d point out that I told you on Friday to sell him, but that’s in poor taste.  As would simply pointing and laughing at you.  Mostly due to the fact, I don’t know where you are, you don’t return my phone calls!  So, put Zimmerman on your DL, and let’s pray his shoulder gets miraculously better in the mean’s while.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Denard Span – Placed on the 7-day DL with a concussion.  It sounds better than the 15-day DL, but guys usually don’t make it back from concussions for weeks, sometimes months.  Think of the 7-day DL like this:  teams aren’t sure if they’re well enough to make it to the 15-day DL.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 6 ER. Looked a whole lot more like his unreliable brother, Yugo Gonzalez.

Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Was in Friday’s Buy column, but I still don’t know why he’s not just owned everywhere.  I’m perplexed, y’all!

Alex Wood – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Wood, indeed.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 0.96.  This Harangutan has Jane Goodall downright horny!

Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If you come into the comments and complain that I told you to trade Braun for Upton the day before Braun hits three homers, there should be some sorta buzzer attached to your nipple for when Upton goes deep.  If someone builds this, I will go onto Shark Tank with you to try to raise some seed money.

Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  After the game, he said the home run ball’s trajectory reminded him of the time he was wrapped in a towel, sitting in Elliot’s basket.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days and 4th on the year.  Freddie hot like Mercury!

Kyle Lohse – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. Charlie Morton (7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a game that was billed as the Does Anyone Care Bowl.  Lohse gets the Buccos again this week, and the Stream-o-Nator likes it about as much as yesterday’s start, which is not at all.  Lohse does have a surprisingly high K-rate (for him), and he hasn’t thrown much different velocity or pitch selection-wise than past years.  Worth eyeing, but there is a huge sample size of him being an under 6 K-rate guy.  As for Morton, well, he’s been about as yawnstipating as usual.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL.  Surprisingly, it’s not for his thumb.  Yet.  For those in AL-Only leagues, I could see picking up his replacement Kevin Kouzmanoff (2-for-3 yesterday).  The only positive I can say on him is at least he’s not Donnie Murphy.  The only positive I can say about Donnie Murphy is he sounds like he should’ve been an All-Star in 1985.

Martin Perez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  So far has done his part, anchoring my starter tier, ‘Come here, Dumpling Face.’  Would obviously love more Ks, but that’s not his bag.  His bag is appropriately enough labeled, “Not A Ton Of Ks.”

Alexi Ogando – Got the save yesterday because Soria had worked two straight days and was probably a little Soria.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks on Saturday, then immediately went on the DL with a strained oblique.  He’ll miss 4-6 weeks.  Effin’ effer, Effstein, in the effhole!  But he looked so good on Saturday!  Maybe he can pitch well with a strained oblique.  Can he at least try?!  By the by, I heard he hurt his oblique when a hungry, confused Yunel Escobar mistakenly bit him after a liberal, smathering of mayo and sprinkling of chili powder.

Erik Bedard – Will replace Cobb in the rotation.  Anyone want to take bets Bedard is injured prior to Cobb returning?  I’ll give you 1 to 3 odds.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Zorilla!

Cesar Ramos – 2 IP, 4 ER.  Replaced Moore in the Rays rotation, but no one told him he was no longer a middle reliever.

Mat Latos – MRI revealed a flexor mass strain.  Sounds like something in a Roland Emmerich movie.  It’s The Day After Tomorrow and a flexor mass strain has been released into the water supply.  Can Channing Tatum and his mom, Stockard Channing, save the world?  Latos has no timetable to return, which is code for hopefully he returns by the All-Star Break.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I still wouldn’t go near him, and not just for fear that he will kill me and throw me into a shallow river.

Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and his first week still on my RCL team completed.  Week two is usually a breeze, week three will be the real challenge when Tyler Flowers and Yan Gomes both get hot.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-1 with 4 runs.  The Golden Marquis Grissombrero!

Tony Cingrani – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has more than a strikeout an inning and his ERA is at 2.60.  Take note, upside starters, I’m farting in your general direction, Danny Salazar.

Jose Veras – Renteria, the Cubs manager, not the disease you contracted in Tijuana, says Veras is out as closer in Chicago.  But we had such good times together!  Like that time you only gave up two earned runs and I thought it was three.  Ah, the memories we shared.  Pedro Strop and Hector Rondon could get saves in the mean’s while, in that order.  I grabbed Rondon because Strop was taken already, but I don’t get a good feeling.  I feel like I just picked up Joey Fatone because Lance Bass was taken and Justin Timberlake had lost the job.  Like Fatone’s going to take over!  What is this, the Jersey Boys touring company?  No, it’s the Cubs closerousel!

Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a home run on Saturday.  The other day I lamented that hopefully the Cubs read Razzball and start Lake every day.  Well, lament no more, which is thankfully not related to Faith No More, Lake’s started two straight games against two tough righties.  Too early to say he should be owned in every league, but worth it to start grabbing him in most.

Michael Wacha – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1.89 ERA.  Harrumph, Salazar, you still paying attention?

Koji Uehara – He was supposed to lose the job on Sunday because Veras had booked up Saturday for losing a closer job and MLB only likes to lose one closer job per day.  Otherwise, it puts too much pressure on fantasy baseballers.  Guys who think Cheetos are a food group are not people you want under unnecessary stress.  Alas, Uehara is injured Edward Mujica or Junichi Tazawa will get the first look at prospective saves in Beantown.  Didja you know it’s called that because the Downtown Crossing area smells like ‘the farts?’  Mujica will probably be considered a $12 Salad simply because it’s the Red Sox, but Tazawa has better stuff.  I’d still grab Mujica first because he seems to be in the driver’s seat for vulture saves.

Dustin Pedroia – Scratched due to sore wrist.  He will get examined.  Uh-oh.  Take wrists away from a five-foot, two-inch guy and you’re left with homers that land fifteen feet in front of the 2nd baseman.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer as the Angels dumped nine earned on Bartolo.  The game was in Anaheim, but there was a serious Colon flushing.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Since I’ve never owned him before, it’s weird to get excited about Pujols.  Not weird bad, chill out, GLAAD.

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I don’t mind the Angels going with him over Freese, but I wish they would just do it every day rather than here and there, so I could grab Mini Mini Donkey.  Ugh, Zimmerman’s left me eyeing Ian Stewart.  Someone help!

Jose Reyes – Told reporters that he’s ready for a minor league rehab assignment on Monday.  What’s he not talking to the coaching staff?  Don’t tell reporters, tell the coaches!

Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he got the Matt Adams Cycle (a triple shy).  I ended up with Rasmus in a few leagues, and not because I wanted him.  He was simply an afterthought on draft day.  Last year, he had 22 homers and a .276 average.  That’s pretty much Beltran.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-5 and a solo homer, his 2nd.  Five might just be the magic post in post-post-post-post-post-hype.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th home run.  Seems like every day Pujols hits a homer so does my other old-as-shizz, crazy-high, 2nd round draft pick, Bautista, which isn’t hard since Bautista seems to hit a homer every day.  Stay healthy!

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He’s easily been my best starter in my AL-Only league.  Then again, his ERA after three starts is 0.86, so there aren’t a whole lot of starters that have been better.  I’d suggest you pick him up, but as soon as I do he will turn back to a pumpkin.  The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start (though it hasn’t like his previous ones either).

Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 1st home run.  More importantly, he beat his namelganger to the punch.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, hitting .400.  I hate him almost as much as he hates Jews.  So, how is today any different than any other day?  Well, ma nish ta nah I’m recommending Delmon as a hot schmotato.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  That’s nice, get him off your team.  Hair today, Ubaldo tomorrow, if you continue to hold him.

Taijuan Walker – Will make another Triple-A start.  Are the Mariners trying to un-start his arbitration clock?  Ship sailed, fellas, let’s bring him up!

Hisashi Iwakuma – Threw a 45-pitch session on Saturday.  Hisashi, my dashi — slurp.  We haven’t reached SLURP! yet.

Chris Young – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Not bad, but Twitter was blowing up that people with center field tickets in Safeco were ripped off because the tickets weren’t stamped, “Obstructed View.”

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, but left hurt.  For those who had April 13th in their office pool, you’re a warlock!  Supposedly Kazmir will be fine, just a little tricepasaurus.

Sean Doolittle – Got the save yesterday, but Gregerson got it on Saturday.  Now this feels Beaney, going with a lefty or a righty depending on the situation.  Gregerson is the one to own first because he’s the one for righties.

Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I don’t even own him, but for some reason I want to see Yoenis succeed.  I’m a Mr. Softie!

Josh Willingham – Has a hairline fracture in his wrist.  The Twins think he can return in the minimum 15 days, but they also have a lot riding on Chris Colabello, so don’t trust a desperate team.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-3, 1 run and his fourth homer on Saturday, he’s hitting .191 on the year.  I’d say that’s a small sample something something, but he is a .237 hitter in his career, so something something nothing nothing.

Josmil Pinto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he DHs.  Actually makes sense to have him DH; Pinto has long beans a power hitter, assuming you don’t hate legumes, but that makes a leg out of u and me.

Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Damn, I almost streamed him, but I needed to drop him prior to the game to get a replacement 3rd baseman.  Foiled again by Zimmerman!

Billy Butler – 0-for-4, hitting .154.  Due to owning Aoki, Gordon, Hosmer and Mostsuckass, I’ve watched a lot of the Royals and only one guy looks worse than Mostsuckass –> Moobs.  Butler’s had at least three weak grounders to the right side of the infield per game.  Hopefully an opposing pitcher throws him a meatball soon and he does the 2nd most obvious thing he can think of and hits it hard.

Tim Hudson – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks.  Didn’t pitch bad, but he is 77 years old, so there’s that.

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .180.  If you have him and Billy Butler, you’re hurting in average.  And you can’t get on an elevator with your team.

Giancarlo Stanton – Two homers on Saturday.  Only 32 more homers to go!

A.J. Burnett – Questionable for his Wednesday start after leaving his Friday outing with soreness in his groin.  He’s gonna wanna avoid watching anything with Jessica Alba.

Cole Hamels – Could return on April 22nd.  That is literally days away.  Maybe nine days.  Maybe ten.  Maybe even eight.  I don’t know, I can’t figure out how to get my iCal from day to month mode.

Ben Revere – Didn’t start all weekend after hurting his ribs on a diving catch.  Tony Gwynn Jr. (3-for-5) got the start.  This isn’t the first time a Tony Gwynn has been linked to ribs.

Ryan Howard – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  Also, in the game Chase Utley hit his 3rd.  The keeper team in your league of the guy that went into a coma in 2008 is looking pretty good!

Domonic Brown – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal.  Still has zero homers, but don’t worry he’ll hit 25 in May.

Anthony Bass – Got his 2nd save on Saturday.  I think the Astros probably feel there’s no point in naming a closer; I tend to agree with them.

Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his first homer.  Damn, Altuve couldn’t even get into that small of a Buy window.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers, lowering his ERA to 3.12.  Stream-o-Nator didn’t hate this start, but absolutely loves his next at home vs. the Giants and I could see it in all leagues.  If nothing else, he’s a Hodgepadre, which is usable.

Justin Masterson – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  It’s Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter.  He used to wait until everyone picked him up to blow up in everyone’s face, in the most passive aggressive of ways.  This year he didn’t need to wait since everyone drafted him.  If you hold him, he will continue to pitch terribly.  If you drop him, he will pitch terrifically.  You can’t outsmart Justin Masterson’s pettiness.

John Axford – 1/3 IP, 2 ER vs. Matt Lindstrom (1 IP, 2 unearned runs) as they went blow for blow like Mike Tyson and Mitch Green in a Dapper Dan’s cheap-ass-business-suit aisle.  That’s not a putdown, that’s what the actual aisle in Dapper Dan’s is called.  Cody Allen should be owned and Daniel Webb can be owned, but I don’t see Lindstrom losing the job until he’s traded in July.

Shawn Kelley – Got the save on Saturday and Sunday.  For someone who was supposedly just a part of a committee, he’s sure getting a lot of the save chances.

Derek Jeter – Missed past two games with a tight quad.  Damn, he shouldn’t have gift basket’d away so much of his Icy/Hot.

Brett Anderson – Bruised a finger on his pitching hand.  He could be the other captain picking teams in Zimmerman’s kickball league.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Trumboner!

Clayton Kershaw – Threw off a mound.  A chocolate coconut candy?

Carl Crawford – Didn’t play yesterday because of tightness in his side.  Hey, he made it all the way to April 12th!  What, you want him to be healthy all year?

Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th home run.  I thought last year might’ve been the last time we even considered him for power, but he’s digging out the old records and finding that loving homer feeling.

Juan Uribe – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  I might be looking at this through Zimmerman-screwed-me goggles, but Uribe does tend to get hot, so this might be the start of a hot schmotato.

Dee Gordon – 1-for-3, 1 run and 4 steals.  HOLY SAGNOF!  YUMSWIPE!  SWEESH!  KADAMN!