If Pirates played fantasy baseball, their league wouldn’t be all that different than the Razz30. There would be a fearless leader, as debonair as he is handsome. Let’s call him Captain Ralph Lifshitz, you know, just for Lifshitz and giggles. He would of course need a quality first mate, a tricked out pirate ship, and an army of ruthless heathens ready to snap at a moment’s notice. Our Jolly Roger, the Crab Army logo, would fly proudly above our vessel, as we sailed from port to port pillaging all we see. We are the Crab Army, fantasy baseball’s largest and most fearsome battalion of bandits. A consortium of like minded trolls, pranksters, and freaks from the fringes of society. Our reputation for ruthless commentary is only rivaled by the cleanliness of our gooches. With our sponsor Fresh Balls in tow, we press on through another month of top notch dynasty baseball action, and debauchery. May was a wild month, as The Army moved in on unclaimed territory, and took it for their own. We partied it up with Cowboy Cheerleaders, compared real and fake Topanga’s, and talked coffee. It’s the monthly update for the bad boys of Razzball. It’s the Razz30 Update. Two Claws way Up for my peoples.

 

Standings

I suppose I should open by discussing the actual league, and what’s going on. After all, we are a fantasy baseball league, at least partially. We’ll save the hi-jinks, and tales of smooth gooching for later in our story. On the fantasy baseball front the second month of the season was kind to some, and hard on others. There were major shakeups in the AL, while the NL’s race was focused on one team ascending in the ranks, while another plummeted. Let’s take a look at the standings below, and discuss what transpired.

The NL: Second verse, same as the first, as the Nationals continue to run away with the senior circuit. Bryce Harper and company have helped the Nats lead 3 of 6 offensive categories while ranking no lower than 3rd in the remaining three. The pitching side is even more impressive, as he leads 4 of 6 categories (quality starts, wins, ERA, and WHIP) on an NL side that features the four top teams in the power rankings.  However, the most impressive part of Nat’s current run, might be his ability to do what the real life darlings of our Nation’s Capital can’t, build a bullpen. As the pen boasts such luminaries as Seung Hwan Oh, Pedro Baez, Wandy Peralta, Cam Bedrosian , real life Nats Koda Glover, and Shawn Kelley. Well done Nats Greg!

On to the true riser of May on the NL side, the Dodgers. A month over month gain of 21.5 points was the largest points jump in either league, beating out the Cubs, Mets, and D-Backs to ascend to second place in the NL, and in the power rankings. Over the last 31 days, Dodgers has scored an NL best 142 runs, the third most homers with 36, and the second most RBIs at 147. His rise coincided with the fall of the Diamondbacks, who were ravaged by injuries to Ryan Braun, Welington Castillo, Andrew Toles, and Shelby Miller. In a 30 team dynasty this competitive, a few key injuries can lead to a serious drop in the standings. As it stands today the playoffs would be the three division leaders in the Nationals, Dodgers, and Cubs, with my Mets squad taking the wild card berth.

The AL: There were shakeups a plenty on the AL side, as Red Sox jumped 11 points to take the lead, and the Indians dropped 21 points, and out of the playoffs. As the division-rival Twins jumped 7 points month over month to take the bird-dog seat in the AL Central. Then the Tribe dropped in the Wild Card race, to the damn Yankees, led by Friends With Fantasy Benefits prospect writer Matt Thompson. Matt’s squad leap frogged the Indians for the wild card spot on the AL side with a net gain of 7.5 points in May. The Rangers managed to hold onto his playoff spot despite dropping a rough-gooch like 27.5 points in the standings! Hey at least you got Beard of the Month for May!

The most impressive month in Razz30 might belong to the Twins, as they led the AL with 144 runs scored, 46 homers, and 146 RBIs. While ranking in the top 5 in five of the remaining nine statistical categories. Major league shouts to Twins Dan on this build. Better luck next month to Indians Jarod.

Weekly FAAB

After a flurry of activity through the first month with a whopping 171 adds/drops, things slowed down considerably in May with the total add/drop numbers coming in at 192!!! Oh, wait, we didn’t slow down, we made even more moves! I can’t possibly explain how active this league is. We have 30 teams, and there isn’t a single team that goes more than 48 hours without checking their roster. Well done Crabs, you’re as noble as you are tenacious.

Here’s a few of my favorite adds in May

Twins  Claim (FA),  Kevin Kramer, 2B,SS – PIT $3
Brewers  Claim (FA),  Brad Peacock, SP,RP – HOU $27
Giants  Claim (FA),  Marcus Wilson, OF – ARI $6
Red Sox  Claim (FA),  Jon Duplantier, SP,RP – ARI $1
Athletics  Claim (FA)  Chris Taylor, 2B – LAD $11
Red Sox  Claim (FA)  Derek Law, RP – SF $17
Blue Jays  Claim (FA)  Will Smith, (R) C – LAD $18
Royals  Claim (FA)  Yolmer Sánchez, 2B – CHW $8
Mets  Claim (FA)  Ryan Tepera,  RP – TOR $3

Trades

A large part of the Razz30 life is constant trading. Since the inception of the new format there have been 75 trades in total. Because discussing 75 trades would just be bananas, I’ll focus on all those that took place in May. Take a look below, and feel free to ask questions in the comments. I’m sure our gracious league managers would be glad to discuss these trades with you. Except the crazy one with Charlie Blackmon. You can’t explain that, but I will try below.

The Miseducation of Chaz Blackmon

If you look back through the annuals of time, and bad trades are discussed, unfortunately one of the world’s great recipients of the swindle once graced the halls of the Razz30 Slack. Asking for $10K a night hookers, to only settle for skid row toothless blowies, and weathered stretch holes. As our former Rockies owner, who shall remain nameless, took it on the chin one too many times for this dictator commissioner’s liking. The great Nolan Arenado swindle of 2017 was one thing, but over my lifeless corpse was I allowing this once proud Rockies franchise to fall victim to the hands of an amateur. So upon the trade of MLB’s RBI leader, and unanimous top 15 hitter Charlie Blackmon, along with talented youngsters Fredius Nova, and Gilbert Lara, for Leody Taveras, Yohander Mendez, and former #1 prospect Jurickson Profar, it was time to step in. I didn’t enjoy giving this owner the axe, okay maybe a little, but it was needed for the league. The silver lining of this whole shituation is I was able to strengthen, not only the league play, but also the muscle of the Crab Army, by bringing in the Notorious Jack Full of Hate. Welcome to the 30 Jack!

Battle of REL and Razz30

Long story short The Crab Army ain’t nuthin ta F’ wit.

Beard Of The Month

With the amount of testosterone, masculinity, and grown man stuff associated with the Razz30, there might not be anything more symbolic than our beards. Below you will see O.G. Crab Army Admiral, and master of the smooth gooch Tinder profile, Rangers Ryan. A true Texan through and through, Ryan loves Guns, BBQ, 10 gallon hats, Adele’s voice, and working in the oil Industry. When not grooming his majestic golden face locks, he’s killing the game on the dating apps.

Grooming Tip For June

Always use Fresh Balls when preparing your gooch for pleasure, and never go against the grain.

 

**Going to a minor league game? Get in on our crowdsourced scouting video project! Use your phone to shoot at bats, pitches, etc of some of the top prospects, and email them to me at [email protected]**

Follow me on Twitter @Ralphlifshtzbb and Tune on Tuesday’s @ 9PM (EST) to my Live Baseball Show on Fantrax YouTube.  (and join the Crab Army in the chat)

  1. Old School Brother says:
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    Claws up! Despite having Blackmon ripped from my claws, i swear to make the playoffs in the name of Jurickson Profar and his .135 batting average

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Old School Brother: Claws Up you smooth gooch, dating app killing, son of a gun.

  2. Alcibiades Escobar says:
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    Claws up!

    Great article, Ralph. My gooch practically shaved itself and applied its own coat of Fresh Balls while I was reading it.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Alcibiades Escobar: The wonders of having your Claws UP!

  3. Jaaaaaake says:
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    Razz30 is life!

    I want to point out that my Brewers with almost no Brewers on them are creeeeeepin on up. Over 100, getting ready to shit on the teams above me, on REL truthers, on people who dismiss Alex Wood, and non-crab enthusiasts.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Jaaaaaake: My man Jake, you’re my muse for these posts, I’m glad it meets your lofty standards.

      CLAWS UP!

      Pour out some Old Bay for Alex Wood’s SC Joint.

      • Jaaaaaake says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: I’m coming for your rude Mr. Met!

        Claws up!

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Jaaaaaake: I have a gesture that sums up how I feel.

          • Jaaaaaake says:
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            @Ralph Lifshitz: But the claws go SNIPPY SNIP!

            • Ralph Lifshitz

              Ralph Lifshitz says:
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              @Jaaaaaake: Mazel tov!

  4. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Nice hat, Ryan!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Grey: How about that Ladykilling Tinder profile pic? It’s like a spiderweb for poon-tang.

      • Alcibiades Escobar says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: I would be honored to have Ryan pummel my wife in that hat.

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Alcibiades Escobar: Wow, Claws To The Sky for the Elsa Cuck.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        I like the subconscious sign in the back for easy reloads

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Grey: Did you click the smooth gooch link? He’s got the most epic Tinder profile pic of all-time. It might even sing Hello to you.

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Ha! That is very smooth… You could introduce this guy to your mom!

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              I mean the royal mom not your mom specifically

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @Grey: I’d be nervous my mom is 63 and I dont need a baby brother!

    • Old School Brother says:
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      @Grey: Thanks Grey!

  5. Alcibiades Escobar says:
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    Ralph,

    When should I be impressed with a prospect’s SBs? Taylor Trammell is up to 13 SBs on 17 attempts in low-A, but its low-A…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Alcibiades Escobar: Still impressive for a 19 year old in full season ball.

  6. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater says:
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    When the lede started I thought I was getting a Jeff King blurb :(

  7. Chris says:
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    Ralph,

    Thoughts on trading away Beltre/Villar to Get Trout/Robbie Ray?

    • Jaaaaaake says:
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      @Chris: I am not Ralph. I am but a proud crab. You need to do this.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Chris: Do it!!!

    • JRod

      JRodingham III says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz: @Chris: by any chance does our infamous Clint own Trout, because that’s a robbery

  8. Miketron says:
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    If only Blue Jays were in a crap division like the AL West…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Miketron: Mike, you’re getting screwed!

      • Old School Brother says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: Asstros are nothing to scoff at, they could catch me

        • Wheezy says:
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          @Old School Brother: Gonna be tough for me to catch you unless i want to unload my top specs. Tough decision for me, but I may play the slow game here.

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
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            @Wheezy: Let’s give this man some competition!

  9. Laura Holt

    Laura Holt says:
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    Do you guys have a “No Girls Allowed” sign on your clubhouse? (Or does that just take care of itself? ;)

    • Jaaaaaake says:
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      @Laura Holt: I mean, madam, if i may be so bold, we require smooth gooches only.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Laura Holt: Oh wow, that’s heavy shade. I forgave you for not knowing about the Prospect Podcast, but this is a shot across the bow.

      You’re welcome to join anytime you like Laura. For you, I’ll find someone to kick out.

      • Laura Holt

        Laura Holt says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: OK, clearly you didn’t read my follow up comment to J-FOH; it wasn’t that I didn’t know about the prospect podcast, it was that I thought you had yet another podcast in addition to it. And I hope the heavy shade is appreciated as a token of how comfortable you guys have already made me feel around here. ( Plus I had to say something to represent the female readers of Razzball; turns out there may be as many as 7 of us!!)

        • nick the smooth dick says:
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          @Laura Holt: I told these fellas you weren’t blind to Ralph’s podcast! They didn’t want to listen. No shade from you, only sunshine

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Laura Holt: Hahahaha! I did read it, but this is my pickup artist style learned from Mystery. It’s called “negging”. It’s a welcomed change for my ego from my usual approach which is “begging”.

          Yes, I love this shade, and girls are totally welcome. I’m guessing our lack of spreadsheeting makes us more attractive. You’re the queen B!

          • Jaaaaaake says:
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            @Ralph Lifshitz:

            Fact: REL was 30 bachelors, lonely, and on reddit.

            Fact: REL was only a spreadsheet, not an actual league.

            Fact: The Razz30 Webshow is back in the works with TLC.

        • Old School Brother says:
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          @J-FOH: @Laura Holt: So Grey wasn’t joking when he said there’s female readers… mind blown

    • JRod

      JRodingham III says:
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      @Laura Holt: The Crab Army does not discriminate against women, though we aren’t for the faint of heart. From what I’ve read of your work there should be no concern, but beware, we plunder early and often and are ruthless in our pursuit for the booty… (treasure that is, pirate-puns not to be taken too seriously)

  10. nick the smooth dick says:
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    Each word I read makes me hotter. I steam. I boil. As I get up to temp, I try to decide what’s the best smooth non-stick surface to cook on? So as I drop a pat of butter and watch it melt on my immaculate gooch, pour on my delectable crab meat and fromunda cheese (which puts the sweetest triple cream brie to shame) omelette mixture, let it come together, and then fold like the REL should have from day one, my only decision left to make is what to wash it down with. The only thing that shall suffice is a large cup of blood from the Clit of a Zoink. Gulp gulp, claws waaaay up, and with this post, I am refreshed.
    #Razz30forlife

    • Jaaaaaake says:
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      @nick the smooth dick: Dickens, Shakespeare, Steele, all put to shame.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @nick the smooth dick: A true Wordsmith!

      CLAWS WAY THE F UP FOR THE GENERAL!!!!

    • Old School Brother says:
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      @nick the smooth dick: With a mouth full of blood and a heart full of gold

  11. Sport says:
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    Always look forward to your articles.

    When do you think Roman Quinn gets the call up and do you dare give a guess on how many SB he can get?

    Been offered Jordan Montgomery in a dynasty (along with Pazos and Zych) for my King Felix and Kela. I’m just curious on your thoughts on Montgomery’s ceiling and who has the best chance at a future closer role in the Kela, Pazos, and Zych?

    Thank you!!!!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Sport: I think Quinn could be up within the month and the SB total depends on how much he plays. Could be 10-14 easy.

      Im not a big Jordan Montgomery guy, love that tilt on the fastball, but he kind of throws junk. Don’t see a huge ceiling. So I’m not sure I do that deal.

      I think Pazos, I like this kid, but the closer thing depends as much on opportunities as it does skill.

      • Sport says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: Onw more if you don’t mind. I have an open spot on my 16 dynasty where I am short in pitching.
        Do Cody Reed, Faria, Carson Fulmer, Toussaint, or Hader have any appeal for 2017? Or do I go with more higher ceiling guys like Yadier Alvarez, Michael Chavis, Tellez, or Schrock that will take more waiting time? My team is not competing right now.

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Sport: I think Faria can have some 2017 value. He’s only one step from that rotation.

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
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            @Ralph Lifshitz: Yadi is the best add though. Long term at least.

            • Sport says:
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              @Ralph Lifshitz: oh about our conversation about Raul Mondesi Jr. He has played 17 games at short (I think) for Omaha this year. KC sports talk shows always talk about him replacing Escobar at short in 2018.

              And what are your thoughts on Chance Adams from New York?

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @Sport: Adams is interesting, but I think he’s a mid-rotation guy. Small righty, nice fastball and slider combo. I’m always weary of young arms in that division and park

  12. ichirosan says:
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    Hi Ralph,

    same 16-man dynasty league as last time. Ended up trading Jean Segura for Aledmys Díaz + Tyler O’Neill.

    Thoughts on trading Iván Nova for Raimel Tapia + Ty Blach? Do you think the breakout is for real (despite the K/9 issues)?

    • Jaaaaaake says:
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      @ichirosan: Not Ralph, but can anyone’s K/9 be worse than Nova? Asking for a friend.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @Jaaaaaake: Yes, Hellickson’s

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @ichirosan: I love Nova and if the league is non-K/9 his ratio love is tremendous. I’d do that deal though, I love Tapia

  13. J-FOH says:
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    I would be more than happy to open up the co-manager option on my team for Laura. Kicking someone else out feels like a Trumpian abuse of power. We may be scoundrels but we’re not uncivilized.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @J-FOH: But it’s Laura. Plus I can feed my own liberal desires by proving I’m not sexist.

  14. J-FOH says:
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    This trade that created the opportunity(again) for me to join your Razz30 will forever go down in the annals of history. Clint was, what do you, bat shit crazy. The fact that I had to work to get B-Rod back and will always have what could of been with Arrenado tears I know at some point in the next couple years will be competing for the crab crown. And BOM shouldn’t be mad about the deal, the dude has Bambi looks and pics with Adell. It’s not even fair to the rest of us that dont look like we were conceived in a lab.

    • Old School Brother says:
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      @J-FOH: Your beard trumps mine J-FOH. All you needs ta do is grow it back out so you can be June’s BOM. You’ve got 30 days, plenty of time

      I actually wasn’t conceived in a lab… I’m the son of Ron Washington and a random hooker he picked up outside of O.CO one rainy night (a VERY good looking one I might add, esp for Oaklands lack luster standards)

    • nick the smooth dick says:
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      @J-FOH: Clint the Booby Hen…your awful trades can peck and peck at us, leaving the Rockies team badly hurt. But we just amputate and regenerate.
      https://youtu.be/iwJgIaVzjvA

        • nick the smooth dick says:
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          @Ralph Lifshitz: Speaks volumes about the Crab life

          • Old School Brother says:
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            @nick the smooth dick: Boobies are always on the counter attack

            • Jaaaaaake says:
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              @Old School Brother:

              Two things, 1) did you see the boxing crab I linked?

              2) 100th post.

      • JRod

        JRodingham III says:
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        @nick the smooth dick: Those birds are the REL haters… the Crab Army aint nothing to F with

  15. Swfcdan says:
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    I know this is more for your prospect reports, but thought I’d make it easy for you so you don’t need to check for comments back over on there (im thoughtful at least!).

    Offered Renfroe and Urias for K Tucker and Fried in a dynasty. I love Tucker but he’s a good way away, Renfroe and Urias could be important players especially in a H2H playoff run. What you reckon oh Shitz of sagacity?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Swfcdan: Tucker is the most high end player in the bunch, and with his recent promotion to AA he’s closer than you think. That said Fried looks like garbage so far. So this might be pretty much Tucker for Urias and Renfroe. If you could find a better second option I’d be in favor of you doing it.

      Thanks for being considerate

  16. nick the smooth dick says:
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    I think Cards Andrew’s snazzy crab jacket should have made an appearance in this post. It was glorious, as was the slight salt in his beard

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Heeeeeeellllloooo, sung like Adele and not Lionel Richie

      • nick the smooth dick says:
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        @Grey: It reads like Jerry’s girlfriends belly button though

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Hahaha

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Ha, creep city!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          HAHAHAHA… Is he teaching class?

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            You’re a regular Rip Van Winkle!

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              He loves a blind girl with the same haircut as him, wow, WTF

              • Grey

                Grey says:
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                A blind girl makes a sculpture of him and he says it’s wonderful… Literally dying

                • Ralph Lifshitz

                  Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                  @Grey: It’s the Citizen Kane of unintentionally hilarious videos.

                  • Grey

                    Grey says:
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                    If someone told me Ed Wood directed this, I wouldn’t be surprised

                    • Ralph Lifshitz

                      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                      @Grey: HAHAHA! Let’s appeal to the blind and doppelgänger fetish crowds Lionel. We’ll shoot it from the predators perspective

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      “In this scene, she can’t see your hair, but can sense it.”

                    • Old School Brother says:
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                      @Grey: HA!

              • Grey

                Grey says:
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                I sent this video to one of my LA friends, and she’s like, “The hair stylist I go to is in this video, front row of classroom…”

                • Ralph Lifshitz

                  Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                  @Grey: Let’s get him on the pod! Both of them!

                  • Grey

                    Grey says:
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                    Haha, holy crap, we should! So, did Lionel’s jheri curl inspire you to move towards hair styling or was that always something you were interested in? And did Madonna ever want your semen?

                  • J-FOH says:
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                    @Ralph Lifshitz: I know it’s been a long time but how does grey not know this video? I think grey might be lying about his age

                    • Ralph Lifshitz

                      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                      @J-FOH: I think perhaps you’re right about this.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @nick the smooth dick: Next month Andrew might be the lead. There’s so much to discuss in this league.

  17. Smoooth Jimmy says:
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    Hey Ralph! Great read as always; do I pull the chute and trade harper for trout in a dynasty league, I am 2-6 and have a chance at the boss of fantasy?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Smoooth Jimmy: I’d hold Harper, is the difference that great?

  18. MattTruss

    MattTruss says:
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    I’m embarrassed that I somehow missed out on the inception of this league. This is everything I hoped the Razznasty would be/become. I’m sure there’s a wait list a mile long by now, but keep me in mind Ralph if there’s ever a crab that bails. A hippo in the crabs is worth two in the bush…or something like that.

    • J-FOH says:
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      @MattTruss: you’ll move to the top of the wait list. I’ll make it happen

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @J-FOH: Jack Full of Love

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Don’t shame him into being hateful

        • MattTruss

          MattTruss says:
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          J-FOL is my homeboy

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @MattTruss: Yes sir I’ll put you on the list. You get preference for getting me into ECFBL and FCL. So I owe you one. Plus I know that you’d be a great addition.

      • MattTruss

        MattTruss says:
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        Word! Thanks Ralph!

  19. JRod

    JRodingham III says:
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    Blue Jays Mike and I continue to alternate the final playoff spot, but I think we’ve seen enough between Cleveland and Toronto to know I’ll end up making it. Claws up brethren.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @JRodingham III: Yanks recent surge has boosted him a little.

Comments are closed.