Comatose Pirates Fan, I have a surprise for you. ¬†You may want to sit down. ¬†No, no. ¬†It’s a good surprise. ¬†The salad days of Willie Stargell are back! ¬†(Though even Pops would’ve agreed salad wasn’t on his menu.) ¬†I’m excited for the Pirates, they’ve been the Andy Dufresne of major league baseball for far too long. ¬†They’ve been serving a sentence in the NL Central basement for a crime they did not commit. ¬†To catch the Reds, they got their Red because if anyone knows about doing time in a terrible shituation it’s Wandy Rodriguez. ¬†See, Wandy, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. ¬†This helps Wandy’s value since he’s been a number four starter that should be owned everywhere but was tough to own because you knew you were punting Wins with him. ¬†Now, he’s a number four fantasy starter with an actual chance for a dubya. ¬†Oh, and I’m super excited to see the new-look American League Astros in 2013. ¬†Or as Bogs would call them, the Asstros. ¬†Hope they know they’re gonna have to come up with a DH, too. ¬†Give the Rangers an extra 15 wins for next year and one game called due to the arcane 30-run rule. ¬†Ed Wade’s Toupee was sipping a colada on the beaches of Trinidad when it was reached for comment. ¬†Ed Wade’s Toupee said, “If I were still GM’ing the Astros, I would’ve never done that trade. ¬†They didn’t get enough. ¬†I built that team so Wandy was their 2nd best hitter.” ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Rodriguez¬†– Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand. ¬†It looked like he might’ve broke something and, sure enough, he’s going to the DL with a¬†non-displaced fracture in his left hand. ¬†Look at that, I’m not even a doctor! ¬†Though, my handwriting is illegible. ¬†He¬†hasn’t had an injury this bad since one of his ex-girlfriends Kegeled him during foreplay or that time when he¬†tried to squeeze one of his girlfriend’s pecbreasts.
Mariano Rivera¬†– Cashman said no Mo in 2012 and Hideo sat by the phone for three hours straight waiting for it to ring.
Curtis Granderson¬†– 2-for-4 with a slam (27) and legs (7), raising his average to .249. ¬†In the preseason, I thought he was overrated in the 2nd round, but what’s Stanton done for us lately? ¬†God, I hope he never reads that. ¬†I’m sorry, Giancarlo.
James McDonald – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. ¬†Now three straight poor starts. ¬†Maybe it’s not him, but an impostor. ¬†You know, McDowell’s with the Golden Arcs and their famous burger, the Big Mick. ¬†Whatever the case is, if The Inverted W doesn’t right the ship next time against the Astros, there’s serious problems.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. ¬†Please, Dickey, don’t make me wish I Lorena Bobbit’d you.
Jordany Valdespin – So the Mets did option down Duda, but instead of playing Valdespin, they went to Scott Hairston and Andres Torres. ¬†Just start Lord Valdespin already! ¬†Jesus Christmas Montero, this is ridiculous! ¬†Valdespin homered again last night. ¬†For the seventh time. ¬†But again as a pinch hitter. ¬†You’re gonna mess up Met fans who already have a Tastes Great/Less Filling chant they do for Mets pinch hitters, “Rusty Staub… Lee¬†Mazzilli!”
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. ¬†My Gio rides again! ¬†I’d like to thank my Armenian mechanic, who I can’t understand, and charges me at least 30% more than his original estimate and, when I question him, he yells at the top of his lungs, “I should die in a car accident if he doesn’t fix!” ¬†But even when he says hello, it seems like he’s pissed off at me, so I don’t blame him.
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners 2 Ks. ¬†Beginning to think everyone’s a good stream vs. the Marlins. ¬†Clunky segue, we’re still in Beta on this, but I’d like you to see if you find any kinks –> Our¬†Streaming Pitcher Tool.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer. ¬†Member when Jazzy Phizzle went through that month and a half where he went oh-for-a-month-and-half? ¬†It was painful like that pimple you had for the better part of 7th grade. ¬†Well, he now has homers in three straight games. ¬†He’ll probably hit another five in the next week then revert back to painful, so own him for the near future.
Travis Blackley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Blue Jays IN (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) Toronto. ¬†I previously said, “Hey, Travis Blackley, you pitchin‚Äô for me?¬† You pitchin‚Äô for me?¬† No, no he‚Äôs not.¬† Not outside of home games where the matchups are favorable.” ¬†And that’s me quoting me! ¬†But I’m starting to think the A’s are like the Cards with whatever pitchers they throw out there will pitch well. ¬†I’m not ready to test that theory on one of my fantasy teams yet. ¬†Sorry, Blackley, Joe Kelly, Westbrook, Colon and whoever else they’re throwing.
Ryan Roberts – D-Backs designated him for assignment. ¬†That assignment was to draw trade interest from another team. ¬†And it worked! ¬†The Rays picked him up. ¬†Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d ignore Roberts, unless you have a category in your league for tattoos.
Krispie Young – 2-for-2 with a slam and legs. ¬†As said the other day, I think Krispie is back, and even if he’s not, he should be owned to make sure.
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4 with his 13th and 14th homers on the year. ¬†Cuddyer probably could‚Äôve/should‚Äôve/Elliott Gould‚Äôve hit more homers by now, but there’s still time. ¬†He is looking Triple Crown-worthy compared to Uggla, though.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4 with a slam (3) and legs (1). ¬†Cain…Sugar! ¬†Love that he started, loved that he gobbled up a slam and legs, loved that he hit in the three hole, but how do you bat a guy third and bench him in other games? ¬†The Peasant Royals are infuriating. ¬†Hopefully, they won’t bench him ever again, or until he’s about to get his 3,000th hit and they want to delay it until the next homestand.
Paul Maholm – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. ¬†I know everything you ever believed in revolves around “Ignore Maholm in Fantasy,” but he’s stringing together a lot of quality starts and he’s done this for a month or two at a time in the past.
Clayton Kershaw – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER. ¬†It’s the Curse of ESPN’s The Mag Baseball Preview!
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. ¬†Fear the Stream-o-Nator! ¬†If you have no idea what I’m talking about, see about 12 inches above in Tim Hudson’s blurb. ¬†That’s 12 inches by a guy’s measurements.
Adam Wainwright – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. ¬†I told you not to draft him, but I’ve been telling you to trade for him for the last 6 weeks.
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. ¬†The day before he went 2-for-6. ¬†If someone dropped him because he was hitting barely Dee Gordon’s weight in the last month, it’s worth giving him a shot.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with two homers. ¬†Guess how many homers he has? ¬†Go ahead, I’ll wait. ¬†*taps finger, scratches chin, cracks neck, puts a tiny cast on an injured pigeon’s leg* ¬†He has 25 homers! ¬†And it’s July. ¬†Wowingham.
Paul Konerko – 4-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†Welcome back, Paulie, will will never speak of that cold stretch when you looked terrible and tried to make a reality show about you deejaying in Vegas with a group of unlikeable high school friends.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-5 with a homer. ¬†Now has two in as many games. ¬†There the hot schmotato goes, where it stops nobody knows.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. ¬†If you would’ve told me you’re from the future and Buchholz would go against the Rangers and only get one K, I would’ve asked you why are you time traveling with such trivial information? ¬†Do cars fly yet or what? ¬†I also would’ve said Buchholz must’ve gave up 7 earned in one inning and got an early hook. ¬† Buchholz continues to look pretttttay, prettttttay good.
Alexi Ogando¬†– He wants to be in the rotation; the Rangers might need him in the rotation and the last time he was in the rotation he pitched three innings and was injured for a month with a groin strain. ¬†He would need to be stretched out first before he can start any games. ¬†Maybe the Rangers can employ a medieval rack.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. ¬†See my comments for Buchholz, but remove the nice things said at the end.
Adrian Beltre – Left yesterday’s game after taking one off the ol’ melon by Padilla. ¬†Padilla hit him because his name sounds like a girl. ¬†“Adrian, why don’t you stay at home while your man fights in the ring? ¬†You can’t take one hit to the head!” ¬†Beltre’s initial concussion reports sounded positive, but he might miss a few days. ¬†If he needs to go on the DL, two words: ¬†Mike Olt.
Pablo Sandoval – Strained his hamstring stretching off the bag. ¬†First, he hurts his hamate bone, now the hamstring. ¬†I wouldn’t want to be ex-Giant Atlee Hammaker right now.
Francisco Cordero – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. ¬†A real shock that he looked bad. ¬†Completely serious when I say this, it’s almost like some teams don’t even know what goes on in the other league like some fantasy baseballers who play in NL-Only or AL-Only leagues. ¬†I’d continue to hold Wilton Lopez.
Evan Longoria – Rays are saying he’s nearing a rehab assignment, so that probably means he’ll be back around mid-August, barring any setbacks. ¬†To think there won’t be any setbacks, it might be considered Evan’s name backwards. ¬†Oh, wait, that’s Evian.
Jason Kendall – Announced his retirement yesterday. ¬†In honor of his retirement, we go into the Razzball archives for his epitaph: ¬†Much like a Ken doll, Kendall had no bat.