Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell. Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak. Here’s hoping I make it through this post! Baseball: you make me feel like the only girl in the world! Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me! Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second. I’m as excited as you, see? Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you. Still, don’t overrate one day of stats. Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen. We’re only one game in. Please keep shizz in perspective. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities. Or Capportunities.
Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third. He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.
Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar? Not entirely. Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows. I’d still only start him at home for now.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season. Not even being sarcastic.
Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250. Take from that what you will.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. More than happy with this start. @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI. Assuming there’s no games @MOON.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.
John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez. Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year. Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.
Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. More like Volqueef. Gotta stay patient here. One game. Yadda3.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR. The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come. Doode’s fast. (<–illuminating!) BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ’em horns!” Stubbs didn’t even look. Then Rudy yelled it again. Still nothing. Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch. Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3. Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots. Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th. He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.
Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin. I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.
Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out. That’s it. We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get. Poo-holes!
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg. The universe just won’t let him break out.
Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.
Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home. It’s Bastille Day!
Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago. I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs. I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco. BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?
Mike Morse – 0-for-4. Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game. Don’t overreact. Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.” But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job. They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”
Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare? Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save. Oh, and he was nasty. Sorry, need the hyphen. Nas-tee. Will be this year’s Marmol.
Nate McLouth – 0-for-4. Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off. I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau. Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day. Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”
Barry Zito – Was in a car accident. Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck. Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud. I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.