Wait, what? The Mariners got Jean Segura AND Mitch Haniger for the continually underachieving Tai Walker? The same Haniger who’s third in offensive WAR in the AL (through Friday), first in the AL in runs scored with 16, leading the AL in times on base, fourth in the clubhouse in jersey-chaser takedowns, and first in my heart for being part of the heist that was the Taijuan Walker trade. Coming off a year where he masta-donged 25 and 94 with a .321 BA in AA/AAA last year, the D-Bags felt the urge to dump another diamond in the rough, a la Max Scherzer. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that trade all those year ago. I couldn’t believe at the time and couldn’t believe they weren’t making a bigger deal about it.

I may be going too far as I’m a Walker fan, but Haniger clearly has All-star capabilities and hitting in this loaded lineup is going to keep him relevant all season long. Much unlike myself, it’s really easy to be a fan of this dude.

Here’s what else intrigued me this past week… Take heed!

Justin Verlander – Tipping pitches, or is Verlander just washed like he looked for three years before his big bounce back last season? Is it odd to anyone else that last year, Verlander had his highest Ks per nine since 2009? At the age of 34, an age when most men are going bald, fully exploring the full depth of their alcoholism, going to strip clubs alone for the first time, and fantasizing about leaving their wives, Verlander has virtually no shot of equaling and certainly not surpassing last season’s heroics.  At least they have Jordan Zimmerman

Jose Abreu – ZERO Cuban missile strikes? A few years back I was predicting 50 for bruh, now I’m just praying for double digits before the All-Star break. Abreu’s home run totals have decreased by at least five per season. Man, if big daddy can’t break 2o, it may be time to put this bull to pasture… Let’s not rush to judgement though, for I still believe.

Byron Buxton  – Raising his average over the bendova line with a 1-for-3 performance was step in the right direction but, sheesh! I haven’t witnessed filth like this since I caught my grandmother with our lifelong plumber laying pipe. I’m not talking literally, I mean they were having sexual intercourse. A cha cha, what a time, eh? What a time to be alive.

Cody Reed – Little known fact: Cody is an extremely popular name for both people and dogs. Jack’s another solid one. I’ve never met a dog named Jamal though, but I’d like to. A more known fact: Cody Reed should be starting major league baseball games like I should be operating heavy machinery or driving any type of vehicle. They don’t call me the Hunter S. Thompson of Razzball for my writing skills, I can tell you that much.

Domonic Brown – Can someone just confirm for me that the man is alright? No 2017 statistics anywhere. Wikipedia doesn’t have any updates for me. If you can help me, please, send money.

Eugenio Suarez – If you’re a Suarez owner like myself, then you have had the pleasure of being served a double portion of dong last night. Protein is good for your muscles and Suarez is even better for your fantasy team. Will it last? Shit, at one point in time it looked like Nicolas Cage might be the greatest actor of my lifetime and now he’s an international joke, so I’m not going to sit here and make some crazy prediction… BUT, Suarez is entering his prime at 25 years of age, and is coming off what I believe is an intriguing 2016. The breakout potential is here.

Ryan Zimmerman – Already with a third of his home runs and doubles total from 2016, in 372 less at bats, Zimmerman has gone F.U. Kenny Powers mode and taken the MLB by storm, ranking as ESPN’s number two second baseman right now. Past success+health+great lineup= Comback player of the year.

Giancarlo Stanton – This is the year.

Luis Severino – With consecutive Charleston Heston diaper DIRTY performances, Severino is officially back on the fantasy map and a must own in all formats….I guess, except for the RCL “Expert” league, the only RCL league I play in where middle relievers make or break your season. But F it, I’m gonna own him there, as Severino is one of the few extremely late picked or totally undrafted guys with star upside. We wanted it last year, it wasn’t there. Everyone left him for dead in 2017, now he’s going John Travolta style, you know, right after he did Pulp Fiction and became the hottest actor in the game. Learn about it.

Amir Garrett – Am I buying Amir Garrett? Does Con-Air have the greatest cast in the history of film? Yes and yes. Garrett has had an ERA under 2.55 his last two years in the minors while giving up a total of 10 homers, all while striking out around 8.5 batters per nine innings. He’s the rookie of the year thus far and until he stops dominating, I’ll continue to trust this man with the ball every five days.

Aaron Judge – Judge has hit more homers this year in 58 at bats than he did last year in 95. His K-rate is also down about 17 percent… Of course, it would be difficult for anyone to continue receiving MLB at bats with a 44 percent K-rate, but still, kudos to him for the improvement thus far. If Severino and Pineda are hoggish all season long (A BIG IF), and Gary Sanchez returns to form, this Yankees team could be a lot of fun down the stretch.

Francisco Liriano – If you want to look at something impressive, peep out some picks of Serge Ibaka free balling it in sweats OR check out Liriano in 2006, where he went 12-3 with a 2.16 ERA in one of the more dominating stretches of pitching I’ve ever witnessed. After injuries seemingly ruined his career, I was more that ecstatic when he found more life with the Pirates, unexpectedly. With that being said, and his 12.4 ks/9 thus far this season notwithstanding, I’m not owning Liriano in shallow leagues at this moment. I’ll always remember 2006 though. Weed was still illegal and I was doing solo handy flicks to pay the rent to keep my acting and modeling career afloat.

Travis Shaw – Shaw-nica Lewinski is sucking the memories of former Brewer  legends like Richie Sexton, Corey Hart and Chris Carter right out of the heads of Milwaukee fans across the globe. Interesting story; I once had the chance to intern for the Brewers organization and had to turn it down for I had just entered a serious relationship. Who knows, Beddict could have been the next J.P. Ricciardi! I’ll have to settle for being Razzball’s most despised employee. Basically the same thing. Anyway, Shaw sits at 7th in the NL with 41 total bases, which is supert titillating if you play in NL only leagues.

Austin Hedges – Up until about a week ago, this young man was hitless. Now, he’s roped four bombs in his last six games, and I’m riding him like Guinevere did Lancelot when King Arthur was piss drunk with Merlin, telling the story of how he pulled his sword from that stone all those years ago.  Also, NEVER, say “bomb” on an airplane.