I remember reading the Cliff Notes for Gustave Flaubert’s masterpiece and thinking, “From the moment Cliff Notes was invented, no one has actually read a classic novel. Therefore, ergo, henceforth, vis-a-vis, if I wrote a Cliff Notes book about a book that doesn’t exist, I could invent a classic novel. I will call it ‘Uncle Fritter’ and have it take place during the 1908 World’s Fair.” These are the thoughts of someone who will one day run a fantasy baseball blog. Matt Dominguez is owned in 26% of ESPN leagues, which is absurd. Absurd, I tell ya! He has 19 homers and a .240 average. Look at Pablo Sandoval’s stats, okay, now look at Dominguez’s — now look at Sandoval — now Dominguez — Sandoval — Dominguez — dizzy yet? Look at Gyorko’s ownership (86%) and his stats vs. Dominguez. Since we’re all about the here and now at the end of the season, it doesn’t really matter what Dominguez has done previously. It’s about what he has done most recently — he has 4 homers in the last ten games and is hitting over .300 in the last week. If you’re struggling for power, I’d absolutely grab him. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to give you what might be the last reminder for our fantasy football leagues. Go join, otherwise the evildoers win. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
BUY
Carlos Ruiz – Do you think on his bathroom ceiling he has a painting of him touching Charlie Manuel’s finger that he calls, The Choochtine Chapel? Yeah, prolly.
Chris Carter – I once made the mistake of allowing the Hitter-Tron to fix me up on a date. I ended up covered in motor oil at a junkyard. I was fortunate to allow the Hitter-Tron to fix me up with Carter this week.
Dustin Ackley – You saying to your wench server at a Medieval Times restaurant, “Bring me the hottest schmotato in all the land!” The wench server will bring you out Ackley.
Brad Miller – Why do I keep mentioning him? Because absolutely no one is picking him up. On our 30-day Player Rater, Miller is above such guys as Kipnis (who I told you to sell six weeks ago), Altuve, Utley, Daniel Murphy and Pete Lugganio. Okay, I made up the last name, but the others are true.
Scooter Gennett – I just went over my Scooter Gennett fantasy. I wrote it while taking out the garbage, which is code for going to the bathroom.
Zack Cozart – I was a bit hesitant to list Cozart, because he seems to get cold almost as soon as he gets hot. He has a 3-for-5 game followed by an 0-for-4. If you look at his splits, he hasn’t had one month over .300, which shows a player that never gets hot for an extended period of time. With that said, grab him now but be ready to drop him.
Will Middlebrooks – When he returned from the minors, it was like he never left if he never had to leave because he was hitting so well (I swear to God, that made sense in my head), but recently Middlebrooks has struggled again. I’m guessing that has more to do with tough pitching matchups, then him falling back into his previous habits from before he went to the minors in the real scenario when he wasn’t hitting vs. the fake scenario where he was hitting (again, total sense).
Eric Chavez – Did you know to gather crops in Spanish is ‘to havez it’? Totally true. Chavez has been good in a platoon role, which is how you should also use him, if you’re havez’ing stats.
Tyler Clippard – Davey Johnson said Clippard might see some 9th inning time if Soriano blows more saves, which I think is mostly hot air because Davey Johnson is about 97 years old and just looking for something to talk about to take his mind off the Grim Reaper that looks like it’s lurking behind his photo.
J.J. Putz – The real Putz recently has been Ziegler and I could see Kirk Gibson announcing that Putz is the new closer as soon as he returns. Gibson will be pumping his fist when he makes that announcement.
Danny Duffy – For starter pick ups, I’d go almost exclusively by the Stream-o-Nator. I like some of these starters to varying degrees for the rest of the season, but if they get a bad match-up, they’re not really worth owning. I like Niese, Martin Perez and Oberholtzer exactly the same in redraft leagues if they have a good matchup. I dislike Latos as much as Ohlendorf if Latos has a bad matchup.
Taijuan Walker – Just went over my Taijuan Walker fantasy. It’s the article I’m going to submit for my Webbie Award…Well, either that or our glossary definition for shizz.
Marco Estrada – Rudy just gave you a Marco Estrada fantasy. He wrote it just before I passed him in our RCL. A’la Will Smith a’la Muhammad Ali, “The champ is here!”
Matt den Dekker – I just mentioned him this morning. I bet you can find what I said if you try real hard.
Dayan Viciedo – Surprising to see him hold onto his fantasy value without hitting a homer every day, but he still is hitting over .350 in the last week, and power should follow.
Adam Eaton – Did you hear about the fantasy baseballer who had Eaton ‘n Hoes? He imagined it was Mike Trout. I have no idea what that means.
Reymond Fuentes – Here’s what I said the other day about Fuentes, “Was called up by the Padres to play center field (or at least platoon in center). I searched the site for Fuentes and I came back with a lot of “Oh God, why did I pick up Brian Fuentes again?” lamentations (Possibly Made Up Word of the Day!). Fuentes has speed (40+ steals over a season) and very light power. It’s kinda like Apple released their Maybin upgrade, iSAGNOF. I grabbed him in one league where I’m desperate for a spark of any sort. Padre hitters usually last about three to four hours on my teams so we’ll see if I even have him by tomorrow. (Note written two hours later: I’ve already dropped him.)” And that’s me quoting me!
Gerardo Parra – Probably the safest option in the outfield buys this week, but also the boringest. Yeah, that’s a word.
Avisail Garcia – The fruits of Mrs. Garcia’s labor in the backseat of a rental car twenty-two years ago are finally coming to fruition. If only his brother, Hertzail, could get his life on track.
Denard Span – Hitting near .400 in the last week and has a homer. Where the speed is for this guy, I have no idea. He has 11 steals in 17 attempts. That’s ugly.
Jarrod Dyson – “I am Rajai, and I am your King of SAGNOF. The Royal Court of SAGNOF is now in order! First bit of business is polishing the royal crown. No, Bonifacio, you cannot volunteer Pierzynski because he knows how to Polish everything up. What’s that, Dyson, you know of a good jewelry polisher? Okay, here is the crown, but be careful with it.” Dyson steps outside of the Royal Court of SAGNOF with the crown and sees a mirror. With no one around, he turns towards the mirror and slowly dons the crown. WHOOSH! The winds blows the shutters closed and the candle flames extinguish. The only light in the room is a fluttering green Regression Fairy, “That crown looks good on you, Dyson.” Man, I gotta lay off the Nyquil in the daytime.
SELL
Jose Altuve – It was a record-breaking season for Altuve when he beat the all-time record for most steps needed to go from first to second base, but other than that it hasn’t been a great year. He’s averaging around one homer and five steals per month. If you can replace that off waivers, I would.
Anthony Rizzo – In deeper leagues, I’m holding him tightly to try and reassure him that everything is going to be okay. In shallower leagues, I’m holding him close to distract him as I motion behind his back for other corner men to come onto my fantasy team.
Jimmy Rollins – It was a disgrace the way the Phils disposed of their longtime manager, Charlie Manuel, just because he’d chew straw, walk around in overalls with no long johns and mutter nonsense. Charlie Manuel had loyalty to players that were way past their expiration date, saying, “There’s still some fight in that schnauzer even if it needs me to fashion a diaper out of my Field & Stream magazine cover so it doesn’t soil the floor.” Ryne Sandberg has no loyalty and, worse, he’s trying to put his own stamp on things and sitting Rollins twice a week. With a month left, I have no patience to see if Rollins’s playing time shakes out like Charlie Manuel’s schnauzer and I dropped him.
