Jurixnay On The Easonsay

Jurickson Profar was busted for PEDs once? Oops. Busted twice? You gotta be joking, who do you think you are, ARod? You’re not even a power hitter, what are you trying to do? C’mon, man! You seem legit like a dummy. I have no sympathy for Jurickson Profar, after having all the sympathy in the world for him after his first suspension. Here’s Grey: 100% tolerance to zero tolerance. I never would’ve been suspended twice, because, after my first suspension, my moms would’ve locked me in the closet and made me chew up all the PEDs I had and not let me out until I was done.

Spencer Schwellenbach (elbow surgery)
Hurston Waldrep (elbow surgery)
Jurickson Profar (suspended for season)
Spencer Strider (throwing meatballs)

That’s the Braves in the last week. Braves might not make it to April. I saw Dominic Smith was now projected to be the Braves’ DH and I guffawed. That’s the most “Oh, okay” I’ve had in a while. Braves’ depth chart is so ugly too. What if Nacho Alvarez Jr. was your Alvarez? So, Jurickson Profar tried to get pop and got popped — twice — and was removed from the top 60 outfielders. As always, my top 500 and all my 2026 fantasy baseball rankings are updated as soon as possible. Also, Rudy’s War Room is updated multiple times per day, and in-season subscriptions are open for business. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2026 fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! RazzSlam starts today, don’t time out or Truss will replace you with one of those drinking birds Homer used on his keyboard. Anyway II, the roundup:

Konnor Griffin – It’s that time in the program when I tell you Spring Training stats don’t matter, but I’m also about to fly into a house like in The World According to Garp I’m so excited for Konnor Griffin. BDon and I go over my thoughts on Griffin in great detail in this week’s pod. If Griffin’s in the minors for three to four weeks, he’s worth drafting where I know have him in the shortstop rankings. Can’t imagine the Pirates hold him down longer than that. By some small miracle, if he signs a long-term deal, which puts him on the Opening Day roster, I’ll move him up further, and around tail end of the top 100.

Kevin McGonigle – Yup, moved him up too. Call them Kevinnor McGriffinigle, and dock me in the Portmanteau for the evening! For McGonigle, take my Konnor Griffin enthusiasm and subtract it by 30%. Moved him up in the shortstop rankings, and have him now in RCL range. Don’t need to be a cyclops with a monocle to see McGonigle’s talent, but his power and speed are a tad less than Griffin. Also, don’t think he breaks camp, but on the off chance he does, and as a stash, it’s not a bad flyer.

Michael Conforto – Signed with the Cubs. After leading the Dodgers to the 2025 World Championship, he’ll attempt to do the same for the Cubs. He’ll have his work cut out for him, but if anyone can do it.

Thairo Estrada – Signed with the O’s. Orioles go thru Kewpie, Hellmann’s, Duke’s, and Miracle Whip before thinking of Coby.

Merrill Kelly – Won’t be ready for Opening Day, due to his back. Merrilly, Merrilly, Merrilly, life is but a dream where starters can’t stay healthy. Updated in the top 60 starters, and pitchers pairing tool. Most significantly, I no longer would draft him. Sounds too ominous when a guy says he doesn’t know why his back is bothering him, which is what Kelly said.

Max Scherzer – Re-signed a Roger Clemens deal with the Jays. Ya know, that’s when a guy slow rolls his entire season and returns around July-August and is ready for the playoffs. Not sure why more vets don’t sign one of these. I’d like to sign one. Someone sign me to one!

Johan Rojas – Suspended for 80 games. Rojas caught redhanded! Bam! [waits for a high five that never comes, lowers head, walks away, tries to kick a rock but stubs toe, sobs quietly]

Blake Snell – Dave Roberts said Blake Snell is dealing with a shoulder issue. He said it ominously, as he was wearing a sheet with the eyes cut out like a ghost. I was not drafting Snell in any league at any point this year, but I finally moved him down a bit. If you don’t know my feelings on a player, then that’s because you’re not reading what I’m saying with speech to test…test…TEXT. Snell is now in top 40 starters, but I would continue to ignore.

Josh Hader – Becoming less likely to be ready for Opening Day, which is a bummer because I thought he’d be a nice discount. Shows you the only real nice discounts in this life are the “only on the floor for five seconds” raw chicken discounts. He was moved down in the top 500 and Bryan Abreu was nudged up.

Quinn Priester – Might not be ready for Opening Day, but the Brewers seem to want to slow-play their starters, since the season is long and they have negative five million dollars to sign someone and will be trading away a big name at the deadline. I didn’t move Priester in the rankings. Don’t think it’s anything yet, seems to be out of an abundance of caution.

Giancarlo Stanton – Says his elbow is so bad he can’t open a bag of chips. If I’m a reliever, and the game is on the line, I’m throwing him a bag of Lay’s.

Alex Verdugo – Signed a deal with the Padres. Alex Verdugo to the Padres is one of those super under-the-radar moves that turns into nothing and you wonder why you ever read an update about it. Might be feeling that right now, in fact!

Matt Waldron – Out indefinitely with an infection in his rear end. Sounds like he’s a bit behind. He’s got our first TMI-L. The perils of being a backend starter.

Josh Jung – Dealing with a Grade 1 adductor strain; Josh Lowe has an oblique injury; Kyle Stowers has a mild hamstring strain and Bryce Miller needed an MRI for left side inflammation. I’m tracking all the injuries, but there weren’t any reasons to move them in the rankings. Yet. All of them will either be healthy by Opening Day or I will adjust them in a week or two if they’re not.

Zac Veen – Not sure if you heard but Veen showed up at camp 43 pounds heavier. Since camp began, he’s added 17 pounds, and hopes to be 350 pounds by April with his goal weight by July of being 700 pounds. Zac Veen is in the most shape of his life.