Domonic Brown went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and yet another homer, his 17th. Can we just bask in the Brown glow? Or Basque, if you’re Spanish. A run like this only happens once in a blue moon. Or Blue Moon, if you like orange wedges with your beer. Brown is in the zone, then the zone called and said Brown doesn’t need to pay his room service bill. It’s on the house! (The zone just doesn’t do that sorta thing usually.) Everyone wants a piece of Brown. The League of Extraordinary Italian-Americans called and claimed True Romance was right and Domonic is Italian. The Mexican American hip hop duo, A Lighter Shade of Brown, is going to a tanning salon in anticipation of changing their name. Charlie Manuel said he’s known all along what Brown was capable of, but no one understands a word he says. From my mouth to your deity of choice, please let him stay hot until October. That is all I ask. That and to win the lottery. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erik Kratz – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer and fourth in the last week. Member how excited you were for the return of Carlos Ruiz and Grandal? We were younger then and you had more hair. Kratz has done better in the last two weeks than they’ll probably do in three months. For serious, Ruiz and Grandal’s over/under for the season is 7 homers.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 1 run. Not much happened yesterday for him, but I watched this game because constitutional law states I must watch all Brown at-bats. Anyway, Howard got a pitch yesterday that he used to drive into the stands the opposite way, and he hit a double that was about forty feet short of the wall. Not saying to drop him, but he just doesn’t have the same power we’re accustomed to seeing.
Kyle Kendrick – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Even Kyle Schmendrick could tell you just start pitchers vs. the Marlins.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals. Now has 5 steals in the last week. Gallop, Revere, gallop! Scream the SAGNOF is coming, Revere, scream the SAGNOF is coming!
Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. Not a good start, but you shouldn’t have started him here. Yankees always seem to beat up the Indians, and then give them smallpox.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Aggravated his quad injury. Looked like it would need a DL stint. If he can avoid it, it would be a quadrubal bypass.
Mike Aviles – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting near .333 in the last week. Will see time while Asdrubal is out. Grab Aviles if your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league. “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water? Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!” That’s me as I stump for the hump.)
Tyler Chatwood – Left yesterday’s game with triceps soreness. Maybe he should do more chatting.
Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks as he dazzled with his 82 MPH fastball, then was relieved by Aroldis. That’s like watching someone watch The Tree of Life. Two hours of boredom, then they run out of the theater.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. They call him Bruce (because they were at their first game and thought that players’ first names were on their uniforms. Well, it’s not crazy, he was hitting in front of Frazier and Paul.)
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Is it getting stuffy in here? Might be the Buy Low Window on Heyward closing.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez asked an older man riding a donkey to move to the side of the road so Perez’s taxi could pass.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. All right, he’s about Freddie Venus now. Get hotter, doode!
Kris Medlen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.14 ERA on the year. Don’t call the flat-billed pitchypus extinct yet.
A.J. Burnett – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Too bad his mom, Carol, wasn’t around to mop-up the mess he left.
Zack Wheeler – The Mets announced he’ll make his major league debut during their next homestand vs. the Cubs, which starts on June 14th. I already went over my Zack Wheeler fantasy. I wrote it while trying to digest the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Knowing the Mets’ luck, Wheeler’ll get injured on June 13th. I’m only 16% joking.
Scooter Gennett – Brewers promoted the twenty-three year-old middle infielder. Holy cow, Scooter should play shortstop; ain’t that, right, White? You’d think so, as long as he didn’t need to leave early to see his wife, Cora. Gennett will see some reps at 2nd base. He is the polar opposite of the guy who stands to lose the most with this move, Weeks. Scooter can get on base, and doesn’t strikeout much at all. He could hit .300 in the majors. Unfortunately, he lacks Weeks’s power and speed. In Triple-A, Scooter hit one homer and stole 8 bases in 50 games, but 3 times caught. He looks like a Prado knockoff, which you can find on any street corner in Chinatown.
Juan Francisco – Signed by the Brewers to play first and third, then mostly here and there when Hart returns. Look at the Brewers making moves. They’re drunk on moves like Gallardo. Next thing you know, they’ll nickname themselves The Roenicke’s Mickeys. Francisco is a solid pop, low average corner infidel. He’s a decent gamble in NL-Only leagues. He’ll also make it fun for the Brewers announcers when they call double plays where the pitcher covers, the ol’ Juan-four-one.
Jim Henderson – On Sunday, the Brewers will return the ninth inning puppet strings to Jim Henderson.
Marco Estrada – 4 IP, 5 ER and left the game with a strained hamstring. I cut bait on him about a month ago and haven’t looked back. Hey, you win some and you Marco Estrada some.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Maybe he feels Scooter breathing down his neck. A guy named Scooter does seem like a mouth-breather.
Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he was activated. If you were waiting for Beckham to return from the DL, you’re related to him and couldn’t wait until he got out of the house.
Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks. Well, I know at least one person had this on their team. Steam-o-Nator, “Hitter-Tron may love appliances, but I love me some Joe Blanton!”
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 steals, his 22nd and 23rd. JayWrong might want to add two plus signs to his 70+ steal prediction for EverCab.
Eric Stults – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. He looked better under the lights in Los Angeles than any Eric Stults has in the last 15 years.
Dylan Bundy – Cleared to resume a throwing program. Bundy’s still far off from the O’s, and wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September in the bullpen. Random Commenter from 2014, “Who do you like more, Wheeler or Bundy?” There will be time for that, future boy!
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 1 run, and hitting near .400 in the last week. Rico Sauve Parra doesn’t have big time power or speed, but he looks like a solid hot schmotato right now.
Adrian Beltre – MRI revealed a minor hamstring strain, but he’s hoping to return as early as today. Ranger that!
Giancarlo Stanton – Doing baserunning drills in Jupiter, Florida. What a coinkydink since I was just playing Drops of Jupiter on my cello under his bedroom window.
Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. That’s nice. He also pitches for the Astros and can’t throw 100 pitches in a game. You go ahead with your Bedard self.
Andy Pettitte – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Yankees love Pettitte with their staff, but they’re jerk-offs. (Pun point!)
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with the grand slam. Since his return from the DL, he’s batting .167 and batting third, which makes no sense in 2013, but neither does the entire Yankees team, so there’s that. If there’s anyone in your league that named their kid Jeter and shaves their mustache off because it’s Yankee policy, I’d look to see what they’d give me for Te(i)x. If he hits 17 homers with a .260 average this year, it’ll be impressive. I.e., what Domonic Brown already has. I before E except in Teixeira, I don’t trust Te(i)x at all.
Coco Crisp – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Coco Crisp was great..nuts! Which is not Grape Nuts, because they will crack your tooth if you don’t add milk.
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Terrific start considering it was in Milwaukee. Still, when you look at his 2-something ERA at home vs. ugly ERA on the road, gotta lean towards only packing him his lunch for home games while singing to him, “My Milone has a first name, it’s T-O-M-M-Y.”
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. After taking the better part of the last month off, he’s 8 for his last 13. I still liked him better when he only got cold because he was injured, but I’ll accept him for who he is because I’m compassionate and handsome.
Brandon Moss – Hit his 8th homer. Damn, the Hitter-Tron was telling me to pick him up for the short schedule day. Just so hard to trust the Hitter-Tron when he keeps humping my microwave. Hitter-Tron, “At least I don’t get googly for Joe Blanton.”
Carl Crawford – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. I don’t think we’re ever going to see more than a solid month or two from him for the rest of his career. Anyone know if Carl has to be with me if I go to City Hall and have his last name changed to Crawful?
Scott Van Slyke – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. In related news, Bobby Bonilla’s son just cashed his dad’s latest million dollar check from the Mets. Ain’t easy being a Bonilla! Van Slyke has some pop, but won’t hit more than .250. To give you a real world example, he could be Ryan Ludwick when he first came up. Or he could be Ryan Ludwick after pitchers stopped throwing him fastballs.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 as he hit lead-0ff. YES! Followed in the lineup by automatic out, Nick Punto. NO! All Americans love to pig out, but not Puig…Out! C’mon, Mattingly, grow back your hair lip and get your house in order!
Hanley Ramirez – Should be ready to be activated today. He says he’s ready to come back and give it his best 30%.
Chris Carpenter – Threw batting practice yesterday. Nice, he should be ready by the All-Star Break to throw in the Home Run Derby.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.76 ERA. I wonder if he ever went by LL Nancy. Nah, probably not.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. What happened to that friendly competition that him and Holliday were having? That was spurring Holliday on to do things. Not great things, but I’d take any things from Holliday at this point. Sleep in the Matt Holliday Inn and you may never wake up because you’re so frickin’ bored.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and has hit in 13 straight games . Freese is hot, which is different than Icy/Hot on your scrotum, which the Internet that Al Gore created tells me won’t cause permanent damage, but sure will feel like it. Strasburg can confirm or deny.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .319. When Chris Carpenter returns, rather than altering Matt’s uniform, he can paint a red M on his hand and walk around bug-eyed like Peter Lorre.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, looks like having his big brother, Bengie, as the assistant hitting coach is paying off. Won’t be as nice on Molina Day at the ballpark when the first 500 pound Molina gets a free tote bag.
