Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury. He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47. Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about. Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge. For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you. BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES? Seriously, modern medicine step up your game! There’s gotta be something that we can do. Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area? If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries. This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez. Great, that eases my pain. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy? Isn’t this an outpatient procedure? My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness. Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players! I own some of you in fantasy. Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days. Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish. I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks. It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back. The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead. Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either.
Mike Minor – He’s back. But it may not be for long. Jar-Jar is set to make a rehab start on April 11th then potentially return after that. So you’re looking at two maybe more starts from Minor. I’d add him in all leagues, but I wouldn’t drop anyone worthwhile yet. Because I’m psychic, I’ll answer your question right now. Beachy over Minor for now.
Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Murray Chass — 1. “Newfangled stats” that said Garcia would regress — 0.
Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. How about the gutsy performances the Hodgepadres gave this weekend away from home? Sheer force-itude! Wait a second, I’m now looking at the Cards lineup. Hmm… They may as well bat the pitcher fourth.
Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with a homer. He was in the post about hitters who do well in April. I’d give him the month to see if it holds.
Mike Napoli – Hit his 2nd homer. Not much of a limb here, but he could hit 30 homers.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. Kinsler also hit his third homer in yesterday’s game. Over IM, Rudy said something like, “If Cruz, Hamilton and Kinsler were to play 155+ games, they’d all be MVP candidates.” And that’s me paraphrasing Rudy!
Fernando Rodney – He’s hot garbage. No. He’s cold garbage that you take out of the trash can, put in the microwave and serve in a dirty ashtray. The bullpen is in tatters. Shattered. I grabbed Takahashi in a few leagues because the Sciosciapath may see that he has closing experience and get the giggles. Though I would grab Walden first, then Jepsen; they were, unfortunately, gone in my leagues.
Bobby Abreu – 4-for-4, homer. Another guy that was in the best April hitters post. Cust kayin’.
Howie Kendrick – 2 homers yesterday, 3 in four games. I liked Kendrick coming into this year, and now I’m check raising to the bettor that he has a solid season.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI and batted third. Cool, do it for another five straight months and all will be forgiven for the three years of anguish you put me through.
Ryan Hanigan – 4-for-4, 2 homers. You ever wanna wonder if everyone in the world has a doppelganger but because there’s so many people you’ll never meet them? Like somewhere there’s a Brian Hanigan who looks and acts exactly like Ryan Hanigan, but, instead of catching in the Major Leagues, Brian Hanigan lives in Fiji and catches coconuts when they fall from palm trees. Yeah, maybe it’s me. Hanigan could push Ramon Hernandez into a backup role rather than the timeshare they’re in. But, as of right now, Hanigan might be tough to own in one catcher mixed leagues.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer. 2010 called, they want your insane year back. I still believe Bautista won’t come close to last year. If he has twenty homers by the All-Star Break, then I’ll send out my mea culpas and buy everyone a Frosty from Wendy’s.* *Offer not good in the 48 contiguous states, Canada or anywhere else.
Joe Nathan – Got the save but gave up an earned run. I’d continue to hold Capps.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers, and one late Saturday night with Charlie Sheen.
Brennan Boesch – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 1 homer and was hitting third because the unreliable-to-stay-healthy Maggs was out. It’s a situation worth monitoring. Or not. Your choice.
Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks but the Win. There should be a glossary term for when your pitcher does awful but because you get the win, you’re sorta okay with it. Please make suggestions in the comments.
Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K and the Yanks pitching coach is concerned about his loss in velocity. I wanted nothing to do with Hughes this year. I.e., if you Hughes, you lose.
Jorge Posada – 2 homers. Hip Hop Jorge!
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. Note to Self: If Masterson has two more quality starts, start touting him as a pickup. Note to Self, II: You know as soon as you tout him he’s gonna kick you in the nads. Note to Self, III: There’s no Note to Self, III.
Carl Crawford – Dropped to 7th in the lineup. Wow, Francona is like one of those crazy fantasy managers that drops their fifth round pick because they went 0-for-5. Not naming any names. Though there’s a few of you that might qualify.
Carlos Gomez – 1 for his last 8 with three Ks. He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he could also be on the bench by April 15th.
Brian Matusz – Going to the DL with a strained intercostal muscle. Watch out oblique! I’m gaining on you! He’s a marginal 10/12-team mixed league starter at this point (mainly because of AL East and his crappy team) so you can drop him if you don’t have an open DL spot.
Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. First Brandon Belt, now Britton. It’s hard to believe in Oriole SP prospects for mixed league play after the mixed results of Matusz (and Tillman and Arrieta and the Razztastic, Brad Bergesen). Britton doesn’t project as well as Matusz, but he induces a lot of ground balls which should limit his downside. And while his K-rate isn’t stellar, it’s not Buehrle-bad (7.60 per 9 IP in AAA). For now, Britton’s a viable match-up candidate (I’d like to say great for the pun) assuming he’s not going against the AL East, Texas, or at Chicago.
Kyle Drabek – KD left us with a constant craving for more – giving up only one hit and 3 walks with 7 K’s in 7 innings. I haven’t seen Twins abused that bad since this one porn…. Drabek’s a must-own in deep leagues but still pretty marginal for 10-12 team leagues.
J.P. Arencibia – 2 HRs and a triple on Friday. Thatsa one spicy hitting line! From now on, he will be known as Napolito.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. May not have made this known as much as I should’ve, but I absolutely love Wood. Okay, that sounded wrong. I’d definitely grab Wood. Okay, still wrong.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I don’t like Dickey. Hmm, this has devolved, hasn’t it?
Mike Morse – 1 for his first 9. The retractable leash is stopped and soon I’m gonna start pulling him in.
Brian Wilson – Ready to return from his oblique injury. Because of the mysterious Yin-Yang nature of the oblique, I blame Wilson’s good health for Longoria’s injury.
Ubaldo Jimenez – Might miss his next start because he switched manicurists and his cuticle was cut. His plan is to try and heal his finger by soaking it in pickle juice, which sounds like a cure out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding or a Judy Blume book.
Bud Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Not great. We’re in agreement on that point, but four came in the first (three were a homer by Howard), then he settled down.
Brett Wallace – 0-for-3, batting .091 so far. His uncle George Wallace is not smiling in a blue suit at Brett’s performance so far.
Mike Stanton – Has a strain in one of his pony sticks, but he should be back in a few days.
Javier Vazquez – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners. Hey, at least he didn’t run over my dog. I have very little patience with this schmohawk. I’m not dropping him in my leagues yet, but I’m making contingency plans. If I’m using the word contingency correctly.
Donnie Murphy – Will miss a day or two after being hit on the wrist. Must’ve been Murph’s past coming back. “I did some bad things, Fredi.” That’s from Ben Affleck’s new movie where a Boston ex-con becomes a major leaguer but can’t escape his past. “Hey, Sully, what the fick is a Mahlin?” Starring Ben Affleck as Donnie Murphy! And Casey Affleck as Chris Coghlan! Ben Affleck, “Hey, Matty, how about you and me in a movie for old time’s sake?” “Ask Renner.” “You can use your Boston accent.” “Ask Robin.” “What, cause I’m not Martin Friggin’ Scorcese? Where was Mahtin when you got in a fight in high school with Big Fitzy?”