Ryon Healy couldn’t have come at a better time for the A’s. Their corner infidels were about as weaksauce as they come. Mark Canha? More like Can’t-hit. Andrew Lambo? More like ‘that Lambo is bahhhd.’ Yonder Alonso? More like ‘over Yonder’ as in everyone’s over him in value. Though, looking at Healy’s minor league numbers, he doesn’t look much better. However, Josh Donaldson wasn’t much to look at in the A’s minor league system either. It wasn’t until he came up and the A’s adjusted his swing to get more lift than a Beverly Hills surgeon. Not saying in 2017, Healy will be Donaldson, but we shouldn’t write him off as a 15-homer hitter either, as his minor league numbers may indicate. Why didn’t the A’s give Canha, Lambo, Alonso and others the patented lift? An anecdote to illustrate: for a few months, I wore shoe heels like Tom Cruise to give myself an extra two inches. It was impossible to tell I had them in, they elongated me! I looked like Fred Astaire (as old people told me)! But after a few months, I got bunions the size of pearl onions and couldn’t walk. I had to stop with the lift because it wasn’t natural and making things worse. Maybe those other players couldn’t do the lift because it didn’t feel natural to them. Of course, none of this matters for this year. I’d grab Healy for the last ten days. Doode’s fahrenhot! Doode is straight butter that a professional hibachi chef puts on a sizzling lobster tail! Doode’s Kurt Russell in Backdraft! Healy is a social worker at a female prison that married a Russian mail-order bride! Wait, that last one is a plot point for a Netflix show. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Sean Rodriguez – I’ve been trumpeting this guy for about ten days. Let’s get down with the trumpets! Let’s get down with the trumpets! Let’s get down with the trumpets! Holy shizzballs that song is catchy. For your own sake, if you don’t know what song I’m talking about, do not under any circumstances Google, “Let’s get down with the trumpets,” and now that I’ve said that you are so going to Google it.
Tommy Joseph – Phils’ management wants to succeed. I mean, I guess they do, but next year when Joseph is an everyday player and struggling, you know they’re gonna wanna say to their fans, “This is what you people wanted!”
Josh Bell – He’s been solid at the plate since he’s come up. If it were earlier in the year and he had an everyday job, he’d have a chance of being on every fantasy team and being a true breakout player. With that said, earlier this week, Pirates’ GM Neal Huntington said Bell’s defense is a work in progress. Way to neg him. Are we sure this was Neal Huntington and not Neil Strauss?
T.J. Rivera – Not much here beyond a hot schmotato, but that’s all you need so I’d look to grab Torenthal James.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Oh my God, Asdrubal’s priming himself to be Daniel Murphy for this year’s Mets’ run. Get it, ‘Drubal, get it!
Adam Frazier – Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s all about the Pirates this week in the Buy. Arghn’t you glad I didn’t say orange?
Yulieski Gurriel – I kinda understand him not being owned in every league. If this were May, I’d say grab Gurriel and own him in every league. But, this time of year, you should own guys who are hitting, and forget the big picture. Gurriel just hasn’t been that hot. With that said (Grey’s turning this ship around!), Gurriel’s making contact and just getting unlucky, and that could turn at any moment.
Adam Rosales – The Hitter-Tron says Padres hitters are like a rusty screwdriver, and rust is like an STD for metal, but Rosales has been hot.
Roman Quinn – You know who Quinn has a chance of being next year? Either the Delino DeShizz of my preseason hopes and dreams or the Delino DeShields of reality.
Carlos Gomez – He’s hot, yadda3, and Imma let me finish, but I’m so jazzed already about next year, that I wanted to say Gomez could be tagged as a bounce back, but I don’t see me doing that tagging or Banksy.
Domingo Santana – Yes, Sunday Santana sounds like a Latin porn star, but it would be spelled Sundae Santana. C’mon.
Mitch Haniger – If you listened to this week’s podcast, JB bet me that Zach Davies (of course, he bet on a Brewer) would be more valuable than Haniger next year. That’s Davies of a 89 MPH fastball, 7 K/9, 4.00 ERA, in one of the worst hitters’ parks. All Haniger needs to do is have an everyday job to win that.
Sergio Romo – Ever see a falling star? Goes from bright, as it cascades through the night sky, until it fades into oblivion. Okay, imagine that star were a thought and the night sky is Bochy’s giant head. That’s why it took so long to figure out Romo was the closer.
Daniel Hudson – I know this no illuminating factoid, but the Diamondbacks appear so rudderless that Hudson, who should be one of their best starters, could actually be their closer next year.
Ryan Dull – For those leagues that only use A’s and Pirates players, it’s a very active week.
Jharel Cotton – This is a Stream-o-Nator call, like the call it makes to Wal-Mart and asks to be put through to the greeter to just say hello. Stream-o-Nator so sad!
Robert Gsellman – Another Stream-o-Nator call. By the way, our very own Rudy Gamble had the best running back projections last week, according to Fantasy Pros, and 4th best fantasy football projections. I would’ve went with Barry Sanders. Is he still playing? He made me “Feel the Barr!”
SELL
Any Starter That Doesn’t Have A Good Final Matchup – Don’t do a “Find” on your team page for “Any Starter That.” He’s not an actual player. This is self-explanatory. There’s no time left in the season to be waiting on a guy that gets, say, the Red Sox next. I’d even look at cutting top arms after their next to last start if they’re headed to the playoffs. Arrieta, for unstints (that’s how I spell it), could only go a few innings in his final start. Or get skipped completely. David Price may only go four innings in his final start. You, more or less, need to think of every pitcher as a streamer from here until the end.
Any Hitter That Is Cold Or Day-To-Day With An Injury – This is looking directly at you, Bryce Harper. Will he be healthy the rest of the year? That’s a frown question, bro. You’re goofy in the coconut if you’re waiting around for him. It’s all good, KMD’s Mr. Hood, but you can drop him. There’s no time to be waiting around for cold hitters either. Ian Desmond sure had a great 1st half. Are you playing fantasy in a DeLorean? Who cares! Cut him! I really liked what Maikel Franco brought this year in its inverse, and I’d lose him with the quickness of a thousand monkey-fighting ninjas. Today, is your Independence Day from cold players, so don a Benjamin Franklin wig and start losing guys!
