Is he learning the English language? Is he drunk? Is he trying to say ‘drawer’ while drunk? Did he have a stroke? Does he just not know that the person he’s thinking of is an artist and he’s calling him a drawer? Did he just have an operation on his teeth and he’s saying jewelry? The jewelry drawer? Does he have marbles in his mouth? Rocks? Gobstoppers? Is he doing an insensitive impersonation of a speech impediment? No, prematurely balding man, he’s trying to say the name Drury! As in Brandon Drawer–Excuse me, Brandon Drury. Yes, he’s about as hot as any hitter in the league and should be owned. In the bigger picture, he had a .331 average in 63 games in Triple-A, and is only 23 years old, so, while he hasn’t shown great power in the minors, it could still be developing. Is Drawer top shelf? Too Drury to say. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Curt Casali – Is he fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better than the catcher you own? Then run run run run run run run and get him, the Psycho Killer, Curt Casali!
C.J. Cron – He’s hitting .533 in the last week. Okay, technically, it’s not the last week because the Angels were in an NL park and Cron wasn’t playing without a DH, but getting technical is for a manual and nerds named Manuel. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Look at all of these nerds named Manuel, I got beans from a hall named Faneuil. After 20 years of smoking, I got no whites, wasn’t even chronic, Ben Revere rocks British Knights, cause that shizz is ironic. I got a Cougs that gets me, and references from 1960. She knits, listens to Herman’s Hermits, wonders why the toaster is on the fritz, prolly cause it’s a Kemnore, shizz is counterfeits!
A.J. Reed – I’m giving you a heads up now that Reed will be the lede for a Buy in the next few weeks. Right now, he’s at 7% owned, but will be over 50% by June. You have been forewarned on Arenthal James.
Javier Baez – Professor Maddon could play Baez every day. The Professor could also make an MRI machine out of a coconut, but doesn’t.
Trea Turner – See what I said for Reed, but I’m not sure I’ll make Turner a lede for a Buy or just a daily roundup. The Call-Up Hypster rises from deep in the earth, wearing nothing but a pashmina and heavy eyeliner. It looks like a glam rocker, it knows the best place to park for free to get a cup of coffee and those tight jeans! It’s sexy to men and women. Oh, my God, it looked at me, I’m going to faint.
Pedro Alvarez – I like Alvarez a lot, kinda wish I owned him somewhere, but this buy is for what the Hitter-Tron is saying about this weekend. Not what it’s saying about this weekend in regards to the orgy of appliances it’s attending.
Derek Dietrich – With the suspension of PEDee, Dietrich is ready for his closeup on the big stage, and will no longer remain silent with some over-exaggerated expressions of surprise only conveyed by title cards.
Danny Santana – Has been leading off and has 30-steal speed. Anything Dannys Antana can’t do?! I don’t know, get kidnapped by Jose Tabata’s wife because he’s too old?
Zack Cozart – He’s owned in 30% of ESPN leagues. Another 30% of ESPN leagues are owned by spambots from China to exaggerate their pageviews. Another 40% are owned by Karabell to fill up his virtual trophy case. Another 10% are owned by this one guy in the panhandle of Florida who had some free time in March to “do some drafting.” So, Cozart is actually owned in 160% of leagues. That sucks!
Jonathan Villar – So many players available that are leading off for their team. This might be the best year ever to find runs off waivers. It’s like fantasy baseball has caught Montezuma’s revenge.
Michael Saunders – Sure, it’s a little weird that he walks around the clubhouse showers with a bucket of chicken, screaming at his genitals, “It’s Colonel Saunders to you Privates!” But if I needed some light power/speed he’s worth a look.
Leonys Martin – I told you this morning to grab him. What are you waiting for? A personal invite? They don’t make invitations anymore. *thinking* Or maybe no one has invited me to anything in a while.
Khris Davis – What leagues are these that a guy with 35-homer power is available? Are they for money? Can I join?
Joe Smith – I like to call closer Joe Smith, PochontaSAGNOF. Maybe it’s just me.
Alex Colome – Boxberger will return soon, but he’s not a guarantee to take over the closer role. I mean, he prolly will, but it’s not a guarantee.
Ross Ohlendorf – If you own Ohlendorf for saves, you are a closer whore. I’m sorry, but you are. You would get off your knee at the casket of a loved one to quickly pick up a closer. You would. I know, because I own Ohlendorf in three leagues.
Hector Neris – Word on the street is that the Phillies want Neris to be the closer. That street being in South Philly, where it smells of Cheez Whiz and Stallone.
Chris Tillman – I’m kinda on the meh-train headed for Whatevs-ville with Tillman because his matchups are going to be so bleh bleh, said the Count.
Matt Wisler – I just gave you my Matthew Wisler fantasy. Were you not entertained?!
Jesse Hahn – Mucho hype on Manaea and Berrios and Taillon and Glasnow and oppa Gangnam Style! Hahn will be less exciting, but a whole lot safer than all of those others.
Tom Koehler – I don’t like Koehler at all. Hey, how about that hard sell on the buy? With that said (Grey’s turning the ship around!), the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start.
Nicholas Tropeano – Who did Nicholas Tropeano end up with again? Rachel? Topanga? Pinky Tuscadero? I forget. Any hoo! Stream-o-Nator likes the Trop and the Law & Order trope of folding clothes when Lennie Briscoe comes to ask about a crime.
SELL
Mark Trumbo – Noooooooo!!! Don’t kill my Trumboner!!! I didn’t want to do it, but our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool told me to! Now, it’s our turn to figure out why it’s saying to do that. After about a month, Trumbo has 8 homers, and is good for about 30, so he’s about a third of the way to his year home run total? Damn, basic math, you can bum a man out. I wonder if that’s what happened to Evan Gattis when he was homeless? 2+2 equals I’m sleeping in a dumpster. Next up, Trumbo is hitting .333. Well, that’s only about eighty points above his career average. That’s not much, right? I mean, eighty is less than a hundred, right? “It’s pretty high,” says a very smug number 79. Shut up, number 79! Okay, but he’s in a great park with a great lineup! Yeah, kinda like last year when he played for the Diamondbacks and hit .235. I’m not saying sell Trumbo for a chance encounter with Bud Bundy, but I’d explore options.
