Greetings! Ughh, ’tis been a rough couple days for your Lord… getting my butthole re-bleached is one thing, but my current day job forced me to fire someone for the first time in my life. Yes, I was forced to get my Donald Trump on and layoff this bih, who was once my boss. Aaaaaaaaaawkwaaaaaard to say the least. Of course, I made love to her first after doing our usual morning lines in the bathroom, as I wanted to give her one last perfect morning. Telling her to pack her shizz up and letting her know that I would be taking her job five minutes after blowing her back out was an absolute out-of-body experience. I felt the Elders gazing down upon me, guiding my firm hand as I demanded her keys, banned her from the premises, and broke her the worst news she has probably ever received in her life. Lord Beddict will no longer be giving you the pipe and you’re now going to have to buy your own cocaine. Nice gal, she’ll get over it… no she won’t. So yeah, about James Paxton… If someone could tell me how a man who throws 100 MPH can somehow only total 3 Ks over his past 13 innings, I’ll service you while you suck you on a blowpop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of Paxton’s psyche? 5 innings, 6 earned, 1 k, 9 hits, but hey, at least he limited the Astros to one walk…
Anyways, here’s what I witnessed yesterday in fantasy baseball. Take heed!!!
Xander Bogaerts – Have you ever orgasmed and drank the Cheesecake Factory’s strawberry lemonade simultaneously? That’s sort of the feeling I experienced when Xander went quadruple Bogey on us and golf-clubbed a long-donged two-run blast so powerful that the vibrations through my surround sound gave the woman I was with a nose bleed! I suppose that could have been the mountainous volume of gutter glitter she was bumping off my flaccid yenis, but who knows? With his 11 homers and .327 average, young Xander here is making his case to go in the first round next season. You buying that or nah? Yes, I’m actually asking your opinion. Yes, I care what you think. (But not really.)
Travis Shaw – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer of the season, basically coming in my eye as I’m battling him head-to-head this week. I have the worst luck, I tell ya… First chick I slept with gave me g-warts, the second got pregnant and disappeared, and now this! I’ll never forget you Laci Peterson. I know you were married, but we shared something so strong, so powerful, I just know you’ll be back someday.
George Springer – Nothing gets my drawls juicy like a leadoff dong. Spring-a-Ling now has 20 on the season as he continues to mash from the leadoff spot. I’d like more steals, but I’d like a lot of things… like my own Lord Beddict themed Razzball t-shirt, or a soul. Nothing too crazy.
Marcus Stroman – Another start another wooly mammoth dump on the faces of Stroman owners. When will we ever learn? It’s like Stroman is purposely horrific, it’s like he wants to be sent down to AAA because he misses hitting strip clubs with Domonic Brown. All I know is that I was once a fan, and now I have legends like Sky Sperling chastising me every week on Twitter for owning this peasant. Gods help us.
Domonic Brown – Prince Domonic is now batting .231 with six round trippers… down in Triple A… I meeeeeeeeeean, what has occurred here is a modern day Greek tragedy; Man ascends to Godhood. God has his nuts clipped the chemical way. Gelding loses Godhood. Gelding becomes Reek. Reek becomes Domonic Brown. Domonic Brown is Reek.
Tony Cingrani – Cingrani has grown up, seemingly right before our very eyes… Yes, he’s grown from a tantalizing SP, a strikeout machine with nothing standing in his way, into a peasant like f*cktoy who can’t make it through an inning without peeing on his own balls. Uncle Tony was giving his all to blow the save, but Reds manager Bryan Price ruined it for him by demanding the ball, but not before spitting in his eyeball. Hope he didn’t have Hepatitis B.
Justin Verlander – 7 innings, 2 earned, 10 Ks. Wow, talk about a throwback performance. And is there any better reward for a big time performance than getting your salad tossed with Blueberry syrup by Kate Upton when you walk in the door? Even better if he didn’t shower after the game. Naaaaaaaasty.
Kyle Hendricks – Homeslice hasn’t given up more than four earned runs since the middle of May, and for that we must salute him. Give me three Awoos. AWOO. AWOO. AWOO!! Now that you’ve done something manly, feel free to go back to Pokemon Go. Just don’t let Grey catch you, cuz he’ll baby powder backhand b*tch slap you. But seriously though, how can Hendricks keep this up? I seen an Anton Yelchin parallel here; Hendricks is showing some serious promise but in the end we all know he’s going to get crushed by a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
Hector Santiago – If Santiago can be half as good as he was bad in the first half of 2016, he honestly may win the Cy Young.
Patrick Corbin – Say one thing for Patrick Corbin, a lot of “experts” loved this guy in 2016 for reasons I’m not aware of, and I wasn’t one of them. This guy allows more wood on balls than George Michael on Spring Break in Mazatlan. After being bludgeoned by the Dodgers on Friday night, I’m thinking it’s time to drop this schlum in the dumpster.
Wil Myers – Oh, you know, just another 2-for-3 day with a bomb, which now gives this legend 20 on the season. To be totally transparent with you, I dropped Myers earlier this season… Why? I’m not sure. Maybe if the continuous visions of failure and preejaculation ceased to run through my head of every waking moment, I’d be able to come up with an answer for you. You guys continuing to destroy me in the comment section should suffice as punishment. Looking forward to it!
Stephen Strasburg – Strasburg, my preseason Cy Young pick the last two seasons, has let me down more times than Tyler Perry. But in 2016, the man is on fire like that criminally underrated Denzel Washington flick. He’s now 13-0 and I’m just lucky to be a part of it… wait… what… I didn’t draft him in a single league after obsessing over him for seemingly a decade…? F**********#*#*#*#*#*#*##*#*#*#*#*CK!
Carlos Gonzalez – Another 3-for-4 night as the man is now hitting .321 on the season. Why the Rockies haven’t flipped this stallion yet is beyond me, but, hey, maybe that’s why they’re the Rockies, doormat of the MLB. And I’m Lord Beddict, who some might call the greatest fantasy baseball writer in all of the land. When I say some, I mean one or two people, and when I say one or two people, I mean no people. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Thanks for joining me for my little round up of Friday’s games. It was nice to get back in the saddle and ride this like Seattle Slew. I will be checking in from time to time throughout the remainder of the season, as well as dropping fantasy football knowledge on a weekly basis starting next week. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to below, as there’s nothing I enjoy more than spending half of my work day responding to your questions. That’s why they pay me the big bucks, right? Until next time, my goodmen.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @LordBeddict
P.S. Check out the Lord Beddict on his weekly video podcast, Roto RX, where he shares time with his pal, Andy Singleton and Duke university M.D. Selene Pareck.