Greetings! Ughh, ’tis been a rough couple days for your Lord… getting my butthole re-bleached is one thing, but my current day job forced me to fire someone for the first time in my life. Yes, I was forced to get my Donald Trump on and layoff this bih, who was once my boss. Aaaaaaaaaawkwaaaaaard to say the least. Of course, I made love to her first after doing our usual morning lines in the bathroom, as I wanted to give her one last perfect morning. Telling her to pack her shizz up and letting her know that I would be taking her job five minutes after blowing her back out was an absolute out-of-body experience. I felt the Elders gazing down upon me, guiding my firm hand as I demanded her keys, banned her from the premises, and broke her the worst news she has probably ever received in her life. Lord Beddict will no longer be giving you the pipe and you’re now going to have to buy your own cocaine. Nice gal, she’ll get over it… no she won’t. So yeah, about James Paxton If someone could tell me how a man who throws 100 MPH can somehow only total 3 Ks over his past 13 innings, I’ll service you while you suck you on a blowpop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of Paxton’s psyche? 5 innings, 6 earned, 1 k, 9 hits, but hey, at least he limited the Astros to one walk…

Anyways, here’s what I witnessed yesterday in fantasy baseball. Take heed!!!

Xander Bogaerts – Have you ever orgasmed and drank the Cheesecake Factory’s strawberry lemonade simultaneously? That’s sort of the feeling I experienced when Xander went quadruple Bogey on us and golf-clubbed a long-donged two-run blast so powerful that the vibrations through my surround sound gave the woman I was with a nose bleed! I suppose that could have been the mountainous volume of gutter glitter she was bumping off my flaccid yenis, but who knows? With his 11 homers and .327 average, young Xander here is making his case to go in the first round next season. You buying that or nah? Yes, I’m actually asking your opinion. Yes, I care what you think. (But not really.)

Travis Shaw – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer of the season, basically coming in my eye as I’m battling him head-to-head this week. I have the worst luck, I tell ya… First chick I slept with gave me g-warts, the second got pregnant and disappeared, and now this! I’ll never forget you Laci Peterson. I know you were married, but we shared something so strong, so powerful, I just know you’ll be back someday.

George Springer  – Nothing gets my drawls juicy like a leadoff dong. Spring-a-Ling now has 20 on the season as he continues to mash from the leadoff spot. I’d like more steals, but I’d like a lot of things… like my own Lord Beddict themed Razzball t-shirt, or a soul. Nothing too crazy.

Marcus Stroman – Another start another wooly mammoth dump on the faces of Stroman owners. When will we ever learn? It’s like Stroman is purposely horrific, it’s like he wants to be sent down to AAA  because he misses hitting strip clubs with Domonic Brown. All I know is that I was once a fan, and now I have legends like Sky Sperling chastising me every week on Twitter for owning this peasant. Gods help us.

Domonic Brown – Prince Domonic is now batting .231 with six round trippers… down in Triple A… I meeeeeeeeeean, what has occurred here is a modern day Greek tragedy; Man ascends to Godhood. God has his nuts clipped the chemical way. Gelding loses Godhood. Gelding becomes Reek. Reek becomes Domonic Brown. Domonic Brown is Reek.

Tony Cingrani – Cingrani has grown up, seemingly right before our very eyes… Yes, he’s grown from a tantalizing SP, a strikeout machine with nothing standing in his way, into a peasant like f*cktoy who can’t make it through an inning without peeing on his own balls. Uncle Tony was giving his all to blow the save, but Reds manager Bryan Price ruined it for him by demanding the ball, but not before spitting in his eyeball. Hope he didn’t have Hepatitis B.

Jeurys Familia – And I was like, Familiiiiiiiiiiia. Another day, another Familia save. They hated on Jesus too.

Justin Verlander  – 7 innings, 2 earned, 10 Ks. Wow, talk about a throwback performance. And is there any better reward for a big time performance than getting your salad tossed with Blueberry syrup by Kate Upton when you walk in the door? Even better if he didn’t shower after the game. Naaaaaaaasty.

Kyle Hendricks  – Homeslice hasn’t given up more than four earned runs since the middle of May, and for that we must salute him. Give me three Awoos. AWOO. AWOO. AWOO!! Now that you’ve done something manly, feel free to go back to Pokemon Go. Just don’t let Grey catch you, cuz he’ll baby powder backhand b*tch slap you. But seriously though, how can Hendricks keep this up? I seen an Anton Yelchin parallel here; Hendricks is showing some serious promise but in the end we all know he’s going to get crushed by a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Hector Santiago  – If Santiago can be half as good as he was bad in the first half of 2016, he honestly may win the Cy Young.

Patrick Corbin – Say one thing for Patrick Corbin, a lot of “experts” loved this guy in 2016 for reasons I’m not aware of, and I wasn’t one of them. This guy allows more wood on balls than George Michael on Spring Break in Mazatlan. After being bludgeoned by the Dodgers on Friday night, I’m thinking it’s time to drop this schlum in the dumpster.

Wil Myers – Oh, you know, just another 2-for-3 day with a bomb, which now gives this legend 20 on the season. To be totally transparent with you, I dropped Myers earlier this season… Why? I’m not sure. Maybe if the continuous visions of failure and preejaculation ceased to run through my head of every waking moment, I’d be able to come up with an answer for you. You guys continuing to destroy me in the comment section should suffice as punishment. Looking forward to it!

Stephen Strasburg – Strasburg, my preseason Cy Young pick the last two seasons, has let me down more times than Tyler Perry. But in 2016, the man is on fire like that criminally underrated Denzel Washington flick. He’s now 13-0 and I’m just lucky to be a part of it… wait… what… I didn’t draft him in a single league after obsessing over him for seemingly a decade…? F**********#*#*#*#*#*#*##*#*#*#*#*CK!

Carlos Gonzalez – Another 3-for-4 night as the man is now hitting .321 on the season. Why the Rockies haven’t flipped this stallion yet is beyond me, but, hey, maybe that’s why they’re the Rockies, doormat of the MLB. And I’m Lord Beddict, who some might call the greatest fantasy baseball writer in all of the land. When I say some, I mean one or two people, and when I say one or two people, I mean no people. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.


Thanks for joining me for my little round up of Friday’s games. It was nice to get back in the saddle and ride this like Seattle Slew. I will be checking in from time to time throughout the remainder of the season, as well as dropping fantasy football knowledge on a weekly basis starting next week. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to below, as there’s nothing I enjoy more than spending half of my work day responding to your questions. That’s why they pay me the big bucks, right? Until next time, my goodmen.



Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @LordBeddict 

P.S. Check out the Lord Beddict on his weekly video podcast, Roto RX, where he shares time with his pal, Andy Singleton and Duke university M.D. Selene Pareck.


  1. Jon says:

    Hey Tehol,

    Do you think trading Aaron Sanchez for Papelbon is a fair swap? My closers are Rodon, Allen, and Ramos. His only closer is Pap, so I think he’d be willing to punt. My staff would definitely take a hit but if Sanchez is really going to the pen later, seems worth it.

    Thanks a lot.

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Jon: most definitely, Jonathan. I’d really appreciate you doing that. Have a great day, my goodman

  2. My Thread Count Is High says:

    Thanks for the Saturday morning update. Couple of questions, if you’d be so kind…
    1) Would you still hold Paxton(roster is below) and Pineda(who also had a rough outing)? Best waiver arms are Snell and maybe Bradley.
    2) With the Gurriel signing, as a Bregman stasher, would you continue to hold him, roster space is limited and I have multiple guys DTD, or would you drop him and add an arm from above?
    Thanks for the advice…

    ESPN 12 team HTH 5×5 with OBP and QS daily moves and 4 keepers per season

    C Posey
    1B Cabrera
    2B Daniel Murphy
    3B Seager
    SS A. Russell
    OF Stanton
    OF Springer
    OF Polanco
    UTIL OF Choo
    UTIL OF Sano
    Bench 2B/SS/3B Baez
    Bench SS Bregman

    SP Salazar
    SP Shoemaker
    RP Uehara
    RP Melancon
    P Nola
    P Pineda
    P DeSclafani
    P Pomeranz
    Bench SP Paxton
    Bench SP Gausman
    Bench RP Clippard
    DL SP Rodon
    DL Kimbrel

  3. Tehol Beddict says:

    It’ was my pleasure, and I’m a kind soul so of course I don’t mind answering.

    1) I’m personally holding Paxton right now over Bradley which may end up being a mistake but I’m a Pineda fan as well. If it were me I’d hold a little longer and see how this develops

    2) yea, this was very interesting. There’s still room for the dude tho either DH’ing or moving around and the Astros still need bats as they are struggling there more than people realize. I’d consider dropping him for Bradley but I might wait a few more days as it always stings when the prospect is called up a day after you cut bait.

    Bless you my son

    • My Thread Count Is High says:

      @Tehol Beddict: Thanks for the advice Tehol, have a great weekend!

  4. Timmer says:

    Good stuff my man. Wondering who is better ROS in an OBP league: Howie Kendrick or Jung-Ho. Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Timmer: I’d go with Bill Cosby Jr. Kendrick is as. Thank you, sir

  5. Cafuné

    Maxi says:

    Tehol! I’ve been a huge Hendricks fan for 2 straight years now, got him in all my leagues and loving it! Got a trade question for you:

    16 team, H2H league, R, RBI, HR, SB, OBP AVG // IP, QS, SV + H, ERA, WHIP, Ks (I LOVE IP in weekly as a category, as I’ve gone completely after SP all year and only roster RP that I could potentially trade).

    Roster is the following:
    C – Gattis
    1B – Abreu
    2B – Altuve
    3B – Franco
    SS – Semien
    OF (start 3) – Marte, Valencia, Pagan, Maybin
    UTIL (just 1) – AJ Reed
    DL – JD Martinez

    I’m very close to trading Altuve to make up some light hitting on my team, and was able to negotiate the following

    Trade: Altuve, Maurer, Blanton
    Get: Chris Davis, Devon Travis, Brandon McCarthy

    Am I getting enough for Altuve? Davis can slot in at 1B or OF in Yahoo leagues, and I think Marte and Maybin can hold me down for SBs with the loss of Altuve. Your thoughts are appreciated, thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Maxi: maxi-Pad!!!! my man!! How are things? nice work on Hendricks. Kudos to you my goodman. Wooooooow, that’s wild, and I wouldn’t trade Altuve almost in any case, but your arguments are quite compelling as you are both a gentleman and a scholar. Is there any way we can replace McCarthy with a superior starting pitcher? I’d like to think it would be worth it to dude to get Altuve the Elder.

      Stay blessed.

      • Cafuné

        Maxi says:

        @Tehol Beddict: I’d probably have to throw in someone better than Blanton to get a better SP, his other SP are:

        Rich Hill, Duffey, Shields, Sabathia, Paxton, Cueto, Ross, Cobb, Rodon, Skaggs

        I think McCarthy was pretty much as high as he was willing to go, and I’d probably only be willing to pay for Rich Hill, Cueto, Ross or Cobb.

        Stay blessed by the based god

        • Tehol Beddict says:

          @Maxi: aaaaahkay, works for me, big dog. you would know the pulse of your league mates better than I. handle yo business.

            • Tehol Beddict says:

              @Maxi: buenas tardes mon frer

  6. Tehol the magnificent good to have you back. With the Astros signing Gurriel what does that mean for everyone owning Bergman. I’m also a AJ Reed owner it’s a redraft league. Stay up playa

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Dnut Eastwoo: DZZZZZZZ NUUUTZ,

      thank you for your kind words. they are much appreciated.

      Well, it’s certainly not great for Bergman owners….but at the same time they still have spots they can improve on in their lineup and he will be needed at some point. the question is if he will play enough to be truly relevant. I think Guriel will obviously slot in at 3rd base as they’re paying him real money so I’m not sure what else they’d be doing with him. I suppose they could kind of rotate Marvin Gurriel and Bergman at DH and 3rd base and possibly first if Reed doesn’t get it going. I’m not sure what to make of Reed right now but I’d like to think he’ll be ok. This has become very interesting for the Astros here, but overall disappointing news for Bergman owners.

      • @Tehol Beddict: yeah reed has been a huge let down this year minors and Majors included. At least Bregman has raked at all levels.

        I have Alex Reyes slashed in my NA spot I thought of dropping him because it looks like he hasn’t pitched deep enough in the minors to be counted on to start. I think he will be called up soon but used or of the pen. That knowing what we know w h o contributes to Dnut Eastwood fantasy team the m BMFers

  7. 740 says:

    Hey Tehol, great write up

    would u start Gray today??


    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @740: I usually lean on starting everyone I have in head to head leagues. it would depend on the situation but considering it’s this early in the week, LET IT FLY, pimp juice. You’re the man now, dog.

      • 740 says:

        @Tehol Beddict:

        will do.. thanks again bro!

        • Tehol Beddict says:

          @740: always

  8. Nitro says:

    10 team keeper head to head:

    T. Turner or M. Sano?


    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Nitro: SANO the Stick. I’m a huge fan. the power is unreal. stay patient. stay woke. stay blessed.

  9. Malicious Phenoms says:

    This now becomes one of my all-time favorite write-ups..You hit one out of the park today Dude!! FANtastic!!

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Malicious Phenoms: well that certainly makes me feel good inside. I feel like dancing. preciate cha

  10. TheMuppetManiac says:

    I had to make a move to free up a spot to activate Cole off the DL.

    I traded Pomeranz and Snell for Hamels. Good deal?

  11. Jack says:

    Looks like Gattis’ playing time will be diminished. Still go with him or grab Grandal?

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Jack: I still prefer Gattis. But I’m partial to white bears

  12. Dan says:

    Would you go with Duvall vs Nelson or Schoop vs Moore today?

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Dan: both have very good numbers against opposing pitchers. Duvall a bit more limited at bats obviously/ very tough call. Duvall is the correct call tho

  13. RonnieMatt says:

    Do you like santiago or Jaime Garcia ROS? Points league both have been dropped lately

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @RonnieMatt: Santiago obvi hot right now so i would go there for sure. What do u have on squad currently? I’d consider adding both depending

      • RonnieMatt says:

        Stras, Gerrit Cole, Wainwright, Tillman, Carrasco

        • Tehol Beddict says:

          @RonnieMatt: yeeeesh, you stacked up playa. id take the Santiago risk then

  14. ryan says:

    Would you please help me set my rotation for the coming week? I can only start five:

    Carrasco @ KC
    Bumgarner @ NYY
    Lester vs. NYM
    Hill vs TOR, TB
    Gray @ Atl, vs. Atl
    Tanaka vs. BOS, vs. SF
    Duffy vs. Tex
    Archer @ Col

    I think I like the top five, but I’m conflicted sitting Tanaka for a two-start week when I need QS and IP.


    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @ryan: ur correct/ have to start those top 5 . I see what ur saying but risky. Do you like to live dangerously?

  15. Jack says:

    Khris or Melvin? Thx

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Jack: crazy as it sounds has to be Melvin, tho I think Davis has superior chance at sustained success

  16. Roll of SAGNOF, Hear my Cry says:

    What’s your feeling on Eduardo Rodriguez?

    I just acquired him @$5 for 2017 in exchange for $12 Lorenzo Cain….

    AL only dynasty points league

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Roll of SAGNOF, Hear my Cry: I’m sort of a fan but I also really like Cain. I don’t have a big problem with this if u need pitching. Cain at 12 not bad tho

      • Roll of SAGNOF, Hear my Cry says:

        @Tehol Beddict:

        thanks. I’m trying to set up for next year. Cain would have been good at CF but CF is deepish and in this league it’s all about the pitching.

        staff for next year looks like Hamels, Shoemaker, Snell, Manaea, E-Rod, McCullers. Going to try to get Fulmer if he gets shelved due to innings limits.

        I’m betting on E-Rods issues truly being due to the pitch-tipping issue. we’ll see.

  17. HelpMoiBBGod says:

    In redraft H2H, Kendrick or Profar ROS?

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @HelpMoiBBGod: Profar I suppose. Kendrick does absolutely nothing for me in this day in age

  18. Surfer dude says:

    hello, for ROS, h2h pts please drop one – Conley, Gausman, Guerra, Roark – thanks

    • Tehol Beddict says:

      @Surfer dude: Hello. Gausman. Goodbye

Comments are closed.