Bay Area sports teams may want to throw out the mother dough. It’s tainted. Bartolo Colon was suspended for 50 days after being caught with elevated levels of testosterone. This much testosterone hasn’t been found in one man since they pumped Rod Stewart’s stomach in the late-70’s. Sorry, Snopes, it’s a fact. I see a lot of people on the interwebs saying steroids and Bartolo’s body shape don’t add up. It says right on the side of the steroids bottle — take these and don’t exercise and you will get Meat Loaf breasts. (I’m paraphrasing.) Like Melky, Bartolo Colon started a fake website to try and cover his tracks. The Go Daddy Website Starter Kit said open a new Safari window so Bartolo donned his Tommy Bahama pith helmet and then read their policies and stopped, deciding he couldn’t go without Spam. Up until now, Colon claimed the remarkable turnaround of his career was because of his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery, but it turns out doing steroids and eating a lot of fatty bone marrow while watching Sleeper Cell on DVD isn’t a surgery. Unfortunately, we won’t have Bartolo to kick around anymore, but, for old time’s sake, feel free to punt him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Straily – With the blowing out of the Colon, Tyson Ross was recalled to take his spot for tomorrow, but that’s a spot start and Straily isn’t eligible to return from the minors yet (needs ten days in the minors). Straily will probably be recalled to take his rotation spot next week. Grab him immediately. That wasn’t fast enough!
Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. You know what’s a good cure for a tiring pitcher? A nap? No, Random Italicized Voice. The Twins. Your testicles? No, Random Italicized Voice!
Coco Crisp – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and the slam & legs. That’s a hearty breakfast, Coco Crisp.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. When a guy is so good (Miggy, Braun, Votto when healthy), you don’t even need to talk about him. Braun’s so good he doesn’t even need steroids! (Or he’s so good he’s figured out undetectable steroids!)
David DeJesus – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week. Does it help if I say I picked him up in a league? Does that make it worse? Okay, now my feelings are hurt.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks He didn’t throw most of those walks until later in the game when he was tiring (or when Trevor Bauer snuck out there). This could be a one and done situation, but the Diamondbacks aren’t saying yet. If you have room, I’d hold him for a few days until things shake out. In one league, I dropped him for Straily.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with a homer in the 1st game and a steal in the 2nd game of the doubleheader for the Ernie Banks slam & legs. Now has 4 homers and 3 steals in the last 5 games. That’s a good season for Daniel Murphy!
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.80. Someone is going to show up at their 2013 draft completely unprepared and own themselves some Wade Miley.
Justin Upton – His MRI came back clean, but the doctor then kicked him in the shins, saying, “That’s because I drafted you.”
Ivan Nova – Felt pain in his shoulder and is headed for tests. When in doubt, answer C for everything.
Michael Saunders – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games. When I mention Michael Saunders or any Saunders for that matter — Hey Joe, nice guitar riff — more than once in a week, you should probably look to grab him for a couple of days.
Emilio Bonifacio – And back to the DL with a knee sprain. He could be out for three weeks. If no one is in the room when you drop Bonifacio to waivers, will anyone hear it? I don’t know; let’s see.
Everth Cabrera – 1-for-3 with 2 steals. This is gonna sound crazy. Like I’ve officially lost my mind crazy. Like I’ve done nothing but read a TV Guide interview with Ms. Piggy for the last 20 years and because of that I think I’m Kermit and that Matt Roush is trying to steal my girl crazy. But the Padres are actually hitting lately. Maybin, Venable, EverCab… Even Quentin.
Andrew Werner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. He wasn’t drafted and he just kept at it in the Frontier League, where the women drink brown liquor and the men shoot guns to get the piano player to play a song. Werner doesn’t have overwhelming stuff. He survives on command and stick-to-it-iveness. He’s a milk man, who has everything because of hard work, and by everything, I mean milk. I’d ignore him in most mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues it’s worth a shot because of the Petco factor.
Tom Layne – Got the save yesterday for the Padres. Hmm, did Dale Thayer change his name to something more lisper friendly? I think Layne got the save because A) They refuse to give Gregerson any saves. B) Thayer has struggled and pitched the last two days. C) There’s no C.
James McDonald – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks as he ran into the offensive juggernaut, Padres. Okay, still sounds weird.
Kris Medlen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, now has 5 wins and a 1.86 ERA. Not sure if I’ve mentioned him before *checking notes* Actually, I’ve mentioned him every day for the last 45 days. On day 27, I mentioned him twice. If you haven’t been able to read the site because you’re busy campaigning for President and lunching with George Clooney and Kathryn Bigelow to get the facts straight for a movie about you, grab Medlen between debriefing sessions.
Ross Detwiler – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Not a terrible, soul-crushing start, but he hasn’t looked sharp in three weeks and he might be tiring. He doesn’t have a bad next start in Crayola Canyon, but in some leagues I’d move on now.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 with a solo homer, his 26th. You could say he’s sorta da boss so get lost. That’s for Ludwyck.
Chris Sale – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks vs. the Yankees. Member the other day I said Rudy and I were in first in one league and we stood to win $6,000? Rudy says it’s more like $8,000. Oh, and we have Sale on that team and Jeter, the one guy who homered off of Sale yesterday. Aw, sookie. I don’t want this to come off as hubris — Me? Never! — but some of you must have this feeling in some of your leagues. We had a great start from Sale, but we already have the max points for ERA, WHIP and Ks. Can’t Sale get some runs and steals? Please.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-3 with his 1st homer. Not of his career; it only feels that way. He now has a modest four game hitting streak with seven hits. It could be the start of something. Or not. We’ll see.
Moises Sierra – 2-for-4 with two doubles. Getting to 2nd base twice in one evening is cool…If you’re in high school! Where’s my homers and RBIs and offensive accoutrements?
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with 3 homers. Two off of Tommy Hunter and one off of Kevin Gregg. Peg boys hadn’t been used that successfully since the British Royal Navy.
David Murphy – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and gets Diamond, Deduno, Duensing and De Vries over the next four days in Arlington. If the Rangers don’t score 50 runs over the next four days, my name isn’t Grey Meadowlark Albright.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4 with a steal. Now 8 for his last 18, which is close to .500. Thanks, remedial math!
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. My kingdom for a whole staff of pitchers with 105 and above on the Stream-o-Nator.
Wilin Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 20th homer. You know what kind of season he’s having, right? A Napoli season as managed by The Sciosciapath.
Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal in 2 days. The first two were off Christall Young, so I ignored them, because that giraffe couldn’t pick off Billy Butler caught taking a twenty step lead, but now Colvin’s hitting .400 in the last week with a homer in there. Tyler, OFWGKTA.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-2 before he left the game with a tight calf. Mo. That’s what a tight calf sounds like. I know shizz like that. You’re welcome. Pujols will undergo an MRI today, but he’s El Hombre and you need a dozen Clydesdales to pull him off the field for an extended period of time, and he left those horses in St. Louis.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Must’ve felt that his fantasy ownership had hit a nadir so he threw out a quality start. That’s not playing fair, Anibal. Some would say it’s dirty, Sanchez.
Johan Santana – As hinted at here after inferring shizz from other sites, Johan is done for 2012. “What if we have Johan greeting fans AND making lattes?” That’s Wilpon at his local Starbucks seeing if he can recoup some more of that Madoff money.
John Axford – The Brewers said Axford convincingly pleaded his case to be the closer, and they agreed, reinstating him. At least that’s what I read from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, but they might’ve lifted a plot line from The Closer. Yesterday, he recorded his 2nd save in as many games. Making Axford the closer doesn’t make him a reliable closer, but SAGNOF is the same in over 117 languages with one major exception, German. There it’s ACHTUNGNOF!
Randy Wolf – Released by the Brewers into the wild. Anyone who’s not Team Jacob should be careful going out after dark.
