Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay. The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs. Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles. Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down. I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. What, horsemeat? Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby! 24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.
Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead. Yesterday, he went 1-for-3. Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals. Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin. You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz! I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you. Berry likes to run. In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun. In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games. In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed. The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF! In mixed leagues, you can do better. Look at me showing confidence in you. I’m like your Dad on opposite day.
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.) It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts. Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy. Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’. For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’. Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him. His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice. Is he the meow’s cat? Nah, that’s unJustinfied. He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks. Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.
Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander. He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to. In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar. Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.
John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness. That might explain why he’s been terrible. In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.
Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer. If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.
Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day. Sounds like he caught something.
Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series. This gives me an idea. How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat? Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match. “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!” “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”
Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy. Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs. Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.
Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before. I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence. Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam. Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.” Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.
David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.
Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t. He’s here now. Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366. Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.
Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans. That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th. Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Such a frustrating start. Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.
Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases? This Bonifacio! Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.
Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340. Bonifacio who?! Emilio. I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression. ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression? Forget it.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal. If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday. Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?
Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games. Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done. Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)
Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors. They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate. Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino. At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.
Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. No grotto for you tonight!
Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. You know who really appreciated this performance? Peter Bogdanovich.
Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign. Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.
Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL. He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain. I’d say! Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand? That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis. In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.