Dylan Tugs One To Try And Salvage A Poop Crews Season

I am the Cal Ripken Jr. of fantasy baseball blurbing. I can turn a short schedule day into a full post of nonsense. But three games? What are you doing, MLB? Did you forget to schedule games? Are you stupid? I’m reminded of the 30 for 30 about the couple who used to make up the MLB schedule. They lived in like a log cabin and slept head to toe in a hammock and ate and drank MLB schedules. That was it. They subsisted on a calendar of games. But, ya know what, they made the best MLB schedules. Now, I think it’s a computer or something. Well, guess what, AI? You’re wrong! There’s still games to be played so why aren’t teams playing them? So dumb I could cry. Dumb tears! I have dumb tears in my eyes from this! Like I’m cutting a bunch of dumb onions that give you dumb tears! So, yesterday, in that jammed packed day, Dylan Crews went 1-for-4 with his 10th homer, hitting .215. I went back to see why I liked Crews coming into this year, and I received a 404 error page. Oh well! No, no, he went 13/25/.270 last year and has 40-steal speed and 30-homer power with solid contact. How close did he come to 30/40/.270 you might be asking yourself. Maybe there’s a scary ghostly apparition floating out in front of your face asking, “Hey, stupid, how close did he come?” Not close, Ghostly Apparition! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

MacKenzie Gore – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.17. Here was my battle with myself yesterday. “Streamonator hates him and doesn’t say he’ll have two starts.” “Okay, Grey, but what if the Streamonator is wrong?” “I am a robot, and I can hear your thoughts.” “No, robot! Get out of my head! Wait, is this like the new Alien TV show? Which is quite good.” “No, this isn’t like Alien: Earth, though it is good. I’m also just kidding, I’m not a robot in your head. I am your brain! Which is way worse!” “Nooooo!!! Wait, though, that means I have a brain. I’m taking that as a win.”

Nasim Nunez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Nasim if you got ’em! Also, hot schmotato.

Ozzie Albies – Fractured his hand on swing where he fouled the ball off and I don’t believe I’ve seen that one before. I’ve seen lots of “ones” before, but not that one. He literally broken his hand swing the bat, and fouling a ball straight back. Honestly, this feels like him doing us a solid. We now don’t even have to contemplate drafting him next year. He breaks his hand swinging the bat! Albies managed to get injured for next year before this year was over!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Playing Tildaddy says the season’s over!

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.63. Here’s one guy who I don’t think I’ve ever drafted and I don’t think I will next year either. Future Hall of Famers? That’s the kind of player Grey hates!

Michael Harris II – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 17th, 18th, and 19th steal. II with III? What is this the Back to the Future sequel release schedule? (A very new reference!)

Charlie Morton – Signed with the Braves to retire as a Brave. He was nicknamed Ground Chuck because all he did was throw ground balls. Then he didn’t, and the nickname made no sense. But they kept using it, like how Pudge Rodriguez stopped doing steroids and started looking like he was mainlining Ozempic and became skinny. Here’s to you, Ground Chuck, you should’ve adopted Chazz FacePalminteri as a nickname.

Xander Bogaerts – Could be activated for Tuesday’s game. He still sucks. Eat Arby’s!

Jose Iglesias – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .228. Ugh, Mets could’ve really used that production this year!

Nick Pivetta – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Pivetta’s going to end the year with an ERA under 3. After 17 years of promise, he finally did it. He didn’t just do it for himself! No! He did it for all pitchers who out-pitched their ERA for years and never put it together. He did it for Ricky Nolasco. He did it for Michael Pineda! He did it for Chris Archer! Yes, even him!

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68, and 3rd straight season with 200+ strikeouts. He was the ace of the Brewers and the ace of Monday night’s short schedule. What does he win? Runner-up to Paul Skenes and Cristopher Sanchez for the NL Cy Young!

Adley Rutschman – Activated from the IL. Don’t search for Adley’s home run in Norfolk. Looks like he gives zero Norfolks to training and swinging a bat. You don’t want to see it. The more I say to ignore it, the more you want to see it, huh? Well, suit yourself!

Jordan Walker – 0-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 9th steal, hitting .217. He only has five homers. He has nine steals and five homers! He is 275 pounds of muscle and has five homers!

Michael McGreevy – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.35. Fun fact! Michael McGreevy was also the star of The Brothers McMullen.

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and two homers since he announced he needed surgery. Should’ve announced he needed surgery in April and hit 162 homers.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 33rd homer, hitting .252, 2nd homer in three games. I didn’t mention it yesterday, but ESPN had Devers’s average on Sunday listed as .233, and I keep saying it on today’s podcast. They have since corrected it, but it’s not me that’s wrong when you hear me say it (after my very long story on the pod about making focaccia — you can see pics at our Instagram! I am incredible with social media.)

Justin Verlander – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.88. Don’t worry, he’ll be back next year. Imagine being a multimillionaire and married to Kate Upton and wanting to play baseball? Bro is crackers.

Heliot Ramos – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. That was a leadoff homer in the 1st, and it was all the offense the Giants needed. No, they didn’t win, but they didn’t need more offense since they lost. Lose by one run or ten, who cares.