I try not to use titles of movies I haven’t seen but I’m gonna fudge on this one.  Look, I tried figuring out how to work Planet Of The Apes in but hey, you try.  I’m waiting…exactly, now you understand my conundrum.  Look, it’s not like I don’t like ‘old movies’, per se.  I mean, I watched Metropolis and loved it and that came out when Mr. Heston was just 4 years old.  Let’s just say that my knowledge of movies in the 50’s and 60’s is weak at best and enjoy the topic I brought to you today.  How do you like that, you damn, dirty apes!  Sorry, still on the better POTA movie.  Eff you, Marky Mark!  Anywho, we’re talking Chris Heston.  As a guy who plays in regular, season long leagues, Heston has been my go to when I need a good stream.  He’s your prototypical Giants pitcher who’s not an ace and not that great on the road usually unless the matchup is right (HOUSTON HELLO!).  Given the Pirates lineup, though fearsome, features mostly righties and Heston has so far neutralized them over the course of the year, his $5,300 makes him a great punt SP2 for your tourneys so you can squeeze in the sweet, sweet pep of that LAD@COL series.  And if he doesn’t pan out?  Well…yeah, still haven’t seen Ben-Hur, and now I’m just dipping into POTA parodies.  An obvious sign we should move on.  So with that, let’s get it on (but not like that).  Here’s my sweltry hot takes for this Tuesday DK slate…

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But wait, I wanna do what the cool guy Matt Truss does!  Sorry for those who typically play with me on a Monday.  I’ve been slackin’, y’all.  I’m too lazy to look back and see how awesome you were but today I’ve decided not to suck so here it is: Scarf_face took down the tourney with a punt play SP2 in Urena so he could squeeze in all the Dodgers bats.  Owning Howie Kendrick AND Jimmy Rollins all by yourself was what put you at the top.  Kudos to you!  Oh and for those missing the good ‘ole Truss, he’ll be filling in on Friday so we’ve got a bit of musical Now on with the getting on…

Max Scherzer, SP: $12,000 – OMG THE MOST EXPENSIVE PITCHER IS A GOOD PLAY HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT LET ME WRITE THIS DOWN THIS IS GOOD INFO.  I mean, I’m done here.  You know.  I know.  Ghandi is dead and even he might know.  Moving on…

Chris Archer, SP: $8,900 – Archer is the kind of guy you can get behind…UH PHRASING.  Really, the stats say this is his coming out party…dammit, phrasing!  But really, Chis has been dominant all year, the Angels bats have not and I’m mad I don’t own him in any season-longs.  Really Rays?  You projected this guy for your bullpen?

Lance Lynn, SP: $8,500 – I trust Lance as much as I trust any guy named ‘Lance’.  I mean…but there are so few lefties to give him trouble and he’s pitching at home.  On the surface, he almost seems safer than Archer.  Thankfully I’m down here in the sewer and that’s just not what it looks like down here.  Overall, I’m ok with this play at the price.

Noah Syndergaard, SP: $8,100 – I’m gonna guess that Noah is going to be the go to SP2 today and for good reason.  Padres against a RHP has been very lucrative of late as the guy below Noah can attest to.  Sometimes it pays to go chalk; just realize given the matchup you aren’t gonna get much variance running him out there compared to another arm.

Kyle Hendricks, SP: $7,100 – I don’t like to tempt fate so after calling Jason Hammel yesterday, I decided against calling another Cubs pitcher in the lead.  That said, Hendricks is nicely priced.  I don’t think he comes close to what Hammel did yesterday but I could see solid SP2 numbers from Hendricks.  If he finishes around 20 to 22 points, you’ve just had the best Hendricks Experience since Woodstock.

Yasmani Grandal, C: $4,400 – Pretend that I talked about every Dodgers player as I talk about Yasmani.  Also pretend that when I talk about Yasmani that I’m only referring to game two and really, really hoping that he’s in the night game and not the day.  It’s rare catchers play back to back games of a double header.

Stephen Vogt, 1B/C: $4,200 – If you’re fading Coors or trying to diversify off of it, Vogt has found himself batting 3rd against righties of late, making him a nice get as he’s had 2 HRs and five double digit DK games over his last 10.  I’d look to pay down at catcher if these two don’t play or float your boat.  Try and peep which between Hundley or McKenry is in for the Rockies.

Joey Votto, 1B: $4,700 – This is all about the swerve.  Adrian Gonzalez will be highly owned but Votto finds himself with a prime matchup, in a prime ball park against a sub-prime right-handed pitcher.  He’s scuffled a bit of late but he most likely will be low owned so he’s great for tourneys.

Lucas Duda, 1B: $4,300 – Go look at Ian Kennedy’s splits this year.  Go on.  I’m waiting…ok, good, now that you’re back, you can now recite to me that no matter where he’s pitching, left-handed bats have completely demolished him.  Consider this a slight nod to Curtis Granderson ($3,400) and Daniel Murphy ($3,600) if you have some slots that need filling for cheap and yes, that’s what she said.

Ben Paulsen, 1B: $3,200 – I’m out here hoping, y’all.  I’m hoping that Ben Paulsen is over his migraines that knocked him out of the game on Sunday.  I’m also hoping he slots high in the lineup against Juan Nicasio.  I’m also looking at his price tag and realize he doesn’t need to do much to make me happy.  Also, pretend I’ve talked about every Rockies hitter now because duh.

Jason Kipnis, 2B: $5,100 – Just talking contrarian here.  Your 2B options in Colorado are cheaper so why would anyone pay up for Kipnis?  It’s a valid question and I have a valid answer: Jeremy Guthrie is basically his own Coors Field and has been terrible no matter where he’s pitched this year.  Any other day, the industry would be talking about a Cleveland stack.  Well, we’re doing so now.  Get on it if you’re Coors swervin’.

Jace Peterson, 2B/3B: $3,500 – As I mentioned yesterday, Chase Field is no slouch in comparison to Coors and I even suggested an Atlanta stack.  I wouldn’t go that far today but I will say there should still be runs scored here and Jace has done us some good of late while leading off for the Barves.  That was not a typo, google it.

Alex Rodriguez, 3B: $4,300 – Again, looking away from the game we know and love, Alex gets a rookie pitcher and the platoon advantage as Safeco has played a bit friendlier to righties since the walls have been moved in.

Evan Longoria, 3B: $3,900 – I’m not big on attacking C.J. Wilson overall as he’s what they call a ‘veteran pitcher’ which is just another way of saying ‘yeah, he’s not that good anymore but he’s not gonna get creamed’.  See why we say one vs the other?  That’s alotta words!  I’m not thrilled about Evan save the price.  I’ll get to the Ray that’s my bae today later.

Hanley Ramirez, OF/SS: $5,100 – Back to the swerve.  People are gonna pay up for Tulo so if you wanna pivot off the movement of the lemmings, Hanley is priced similarly and has figured out what his bat is for again.

Jhonny Peralta, SS: $3,900 – I’m going back to the superfluous ‘h’ again today.  Who the hell is Tyler Cravy?  I think the Cardinals will know and I think they could surprise in the runs department today.  I’ll take the power potential at SS not in Coors for $3,900, Alex.

Nelson Cruz, OF: $4,800 – Cruz against the husk – albeit a big husk – of his former self in lefty C.C. Sabathia you say?  Thank you!

Steven Souza, Jr. OF: $4,200 – Guess who has the 5th best wRC+ and ISO against LHHs this season?  No, guess again.  No…again.  Look, I made this really easy, why you doing this to me?  Play the Souza-phone.

Chris Young, OF: $3,500 – I mentioned A-Rod above, I guess I should mention Chris Young below.  He came out of the gates on fire this year, especially against LHP but has come way back down.  That said, he’s priced appropriately to check in on a bounceback given he gets a rookie lefty on the mound.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

There are potential threats but really, today looks to be completely dry.  Normally I’d put a joke here as filler but a dry day makes me sad.  Where my beer at!

Doing Lines In Vegas

I didn’t talk about Johnny Cueto because you read the Scherzer blurb.  That said, the line has moved down a half run in that game and he’s a -160 favorite.  I’d like to see a bit higher given the matchup and might give me pause rostering too many Reds bats for the day.  Meanwhile the opening line to current line for the Cardinals and Lynn (-155 to -190) makes me even more comfortable looking Lance’s way.  I didn’t talk about Clay Buchholz despite his -170 favorite because the game is at 8 and I just don’t see a need to take on the headache that is Clay.  Meanwhile, the TEXvsCHW game looks to be a free-for-all as Vegas sees no clear winner and the O/U is at 8.5.  Could be a place to look for bats despite me not touching on any above.