So nice to see Yu.¬† Saludos, my Darvish.¬† Come on, let’s mingle.¬† You know, my dear, my father used to say to me, Grey, don’t be a schnook.¬† It’s not how Yu feel.¬† It’s how Yu look.¬† And you, Darvish, you look absolutely marvishlous.¬†¬† Cole Hamels — bleh.¬† R.A. Dickey — eh.¬† Yu Darvish — absolutely marvishlous!¬† When a beautiful girl passes or when you see something you know you may never see again, what do you say?¬† I say, oohbeekadoobie like I’m Billy Crystal impersonating Sammy Davis Jr.¬† Nothing else can express the start Darvish had last night.¬† Oohbeekadoobie, baby, oohbeekadoobie.¬† That’s all I have.¬† Sure, it’s a nonsensical word that’s origin of meaning is bupkis, but when one comes face-to-face with wonder, one is left with nothing but oohbeekadoobie.¬†¬† Just like Darvish pulled up just short of a perfect game, I’ll pull up short of saying he’s a number one/top ten starter off of one start in April vs. the Astros.¬† The Astros, mind you, who are put together as a team the same way you used to put together pick up games.¬† If you have a glove and bat, you can play for them.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.¬† After the Blue Jays paid Dickey $25 million, they should’ve took seventy bucks, went to Home Depot, bought some wood, grabbed a couple of laborers and made a new backstop behind home plate that was three feet behind Arencibia.¬† Or asked how much San Fran wants for the 26-foot high mitt in their outfield and placed that thing behind home.¬† Just Peachy is so not with the ol’ knuckleball.¬† I’m putting the over/under for passed balls for J.P. at 50.
Lucas Harrell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.¬† Got pretty lost in Darvish’s performance last night.¬† The Astros playing second fiddle — <sarcastic>crazy!</sarcastic>¬† Harrell is one of those starters that I can’t imagine eliciting any enthusiasm in mixed leagues, but could be sneaky valuable at the back end of an AL-Only staff.¬† He’s just under a 7 K-rate with a chance for a hair under four ERA.¬† Like I said, AL-Only only (stutterer!).
Jonny Venters – Dr. Freeze shut him down for 4 weeks.¬† Yesterday, Venters received an injection of platelet-rich plasma.¬† I recently got a plasma from Best Buy.¬† Me and Venters can be friends now.
Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks.¬† As I said in the preseason, the death of Estrada is gonna be due to the long ball.¬† He gave up a few cheap hits to run up his WHIP, but no walks, plenty of Ks and the only balls hit on the nose (no offense, Niese) went over the fence.¬† I’m holding tight for now.
Troy Tulowitzki – Two games, two homers.¬† CarGo — the same.¬† Could they live in a bubble when they’re not on the field to avoid injuries?¬† Does one have to dust if they live in a bubble?¬† I got questions, y’all!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.¬† Ryu marvishlous?¬† No, but solid nevertheless.¬† It wasn’t just the pear-shaped comparisons to David Wells last night that looked accurate in Jaywrong’s Ryu sleeper, his control looked impeccable.
Lance Berkman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs as he stays in the three hole.¬† I hope Rudy is right about Berkman being this year’s Zombino.
Ryan Sweeney – Signed with the Cubs.¬† Sweeney wins the coveted prize of ‚ÄúI have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.‚ÄĚ¬† Show him what he wins!¬† A brand new 2013 Ellipsis! ‚Ä¶
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.¬† The end result looks a lot better than he pitched.¬† Estrada, for instance, looked better.¬† So if your league has an Appearances category, and it’s not the usual baseball meaning of Appearances, Estrada’s still better than Masterson.
Shaun Marcum – Scratched from his weekend start.¬† Aaron Laffey is expected to start in his place.¬† Since fantasy is no Laffey matter, I’d avoid him.¬† As I mentioned in the podcast, in very deep leagues, I’d keep an eye on Jewess Familia.¬† He’s a pizza bagel after my own heart!
Ryan Ludwick – Will miss three months with a dislocated shoulder.¬† That’s really scary.¬† Next time I’m at the doctor I’m gonna get the shoulder upgrade with GPS.
Paul Goldschmidt – Moved up to clean up — happy trombone!¬† 0-for-3 — sad trombone.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.¬† Could be a great end of the rotation ratio helper, which isn’t as smiley as Hamburger Helper, but just as nourishing.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers after his torrid spring.¬† To keep Morse in the groove, the Mariners simulated Arizona by putting cactus in the locker room and paying for Kendrys’ boob job.
Scott Kazmir – Already has injury concerns.¬† If he can’t throw today, he might miss his scheduled start and hit the DL.¬† The DL has a “Welcome Home” banner hanging over its door.
Jaime Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks.¬† Jaime was also Lowme, Offtheoutsidecornerme and Inthedirtme in his final inning as he walked the bases loaded.¬† Luckily, Mujica bailed him out as any good Mujica would do.
Brandon Belt – Sat with a stomach bug.¬† I hope it’s not a tapeworm.¬† I saw a video once… Well, just don’t Google “disgusting video of 25-foot tapeworm coming out of someone’s butt.”
Andres Torres – 1-for-4, 1 run.¬† Will split time in left field with Gregor Blanco.¬† Bochy said, “I’ll go with whichever is the hottest bat.”¬† Then Bochy should go with Cowgill!
Brett Lawrie – Expected to miss two more weeks.¬† He’s just waiting on his ribs.¬† Somebody get this man a pressure cooker.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.¬† Overheard at MattWietersFacts.com HQ, “Hey, ‘member that site we started about Wieters three years ago?¬† We’re getting traffic again!”
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4.¬† For anyone that’s read this site for a minute (an Urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time) knows that my Reimold love runs deep and I bleed orange for him like I’ve only eaten Cheetos and drank Tang for the last four years.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer.¬† If you’ve invested in CD, this is the kind of dividend I’d expect on a good day.¬† This blurb was sponsored by Wall Street.¬† Come back, we’re fine!
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.¬† You’re on the phone with your best fantasy baseballer buddy.¬† He asks you who you drafted this year for pitching because he cares and I guess he doesn’t have internet to just look at it or is too lazy (hey, he’s your friend, not mine).¬† You name all of your guys, but there’s one guy you own that you can’t remember.¬† You look at your team to refresh your memory and it’s Hammel.¬† Solid backend fantasy starter that is an afterthought.
Robinson Cano – Signed with Jay-Z’s new sports agency.¬† Just in time for him to release his first single, Can to the Izz-O.¬† “For shizzle my Canizzle you can’t quibble with my BA… Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… That’s the national anthem, get your damn ass up and take off your hat! ¬†Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… Not wearing braces, y’all got to see Girardi!¬† Was servin’ em in the House that Ruth built, got me dirt cheap for my first seven years now Jay-Z’s gonna put your wallet on tilt… Plus if they was short with cheese, I would work with them… Not really!¬† Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… For sheezy I’m Caneezy, keep my arms so freezy… Can’t leave baseball alone, the game needs me… Haters want me clapped in steroid talk, it ain’t easy…¬† Bloggers want to knock me, MLB wants to box me in… But somehow I beat them charges like Rocky… Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… That’s the national anthem, get your damn ass up and take off your hat! ¬†Can to the izz-O, Yanks to the Izz-A… Not wearing braces, y’all got to see Girardi!”