Jesse Winker was a .300 hitter. The Mariners made Jesse Winker a .180 hitter. The Mariners took the two best prospects in baseball and made them .175 hitters. I don’t want to overstate how good Cristian Javier looked, because he looked excellent, but I want it to be clearly stated, the Mariners have poisoned bats. Not like The Riddler plotting in Gotham after The Batman. Like literally holding noodles they think are bats, and never making contact to find out they’re actually holding dry capellini. With that said, Cristian Javier (5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.96) looks so good, man and five womans. Not as efficient as I would like (87 pitches with one out in the 6th). Pairing a 96 MPH 4-seamer with an 80 MPH slider that just breaks from righties way outside. Not as many swings and misses as one would like, but no chance for the Mariners on so many pitches. Throw out an Adam Frazier ten-pitch at-bat to start the game, and he would’ve easily made it through the 6th. Javier looks every bit like a starter for every fantasy league, and not just when facing the poisoned, capellini bats of the M’s. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Please get to 50 homers (by June and ring up Franmil and explain to him how you did it).

Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .167. Not a fan of Altuve, but everyone has a price and the buy low window could close rapidly, and, while he’s small enough to fit through a crack, I’d move quickly.

Chris Flexen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.10. The Mariners’ gameplan is get the most yawnstipating pitchers and ride them until bedraggled. They’re even making Logan Gilbert a pitch-to-contact type. Holy crap! Did the Mariners hire Ray Searage?

Juan Yepez – Was called up. *does an expressive dance that took me four months to learn from an Argentinian dancer who was dressed in a Cards’ jersey* Let’s go! Oh, wait, Yepez might only be up for a few days while Edmundo’s on the Covid IL. Sigh, what a waste of dance lessons. Yepez hooray? No, no Yepez hooray yet, but maybe in deeper leagues. He has big-time power. Is it me or are the Cards growing huge power guys on trees? Yepez hit his ninth homer in only 22 Triple-A games, and minutes later was promoted to the majors. You thought the Cards had no room for Nolan Gorman? Cards have less room for a corner infielder. It’s doubtful that Yepez hangs around, but he’s worth a flyer in case he does.

MJ Melendez – 1-for-3 as he acted as the DH. I just got a boing in my pants. If he’s getting consistent DH at-bats, then I’m looking at him in one-catcher leagues. I’m intrigued, y’all!

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st career major league homer. If you would’ve told me we wouldn’t get Witt’s first homer until May 3rd, I would’ve called you nuts and then Mr. Peanut.

Edward Olivares – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, as he hits leadoff, hitting .379. He wouldn’t dare be sent down again, would he? I shouldn’t tempt fate. Olivares has an exciting mix of speed and power, and could even hit .280. Yes, I’m monocle’ing the playing time, but grabbing him in some leagues already.

Brad Keller– 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Ya know what’s better than hitching your trailer to the Tyler Mahle Ratio Train of Death? Just starting the very meh, but decent-right-now Brad Keller. Streamonator hates Keller’s next start, but I don’t think it’s ever going to like him, tee be aitch.

Juan Soto – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. I am begging Sexy Dr. Pepper to put on his homering cleats and do some homering.

Josh Bell – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Good to see people are still capable of homering in Coors. If only barely.

C.J. Cron – 3-for-3 and his 9th homer. Whatever happened to Connor Joe? Did Cron suck all the C.J. juice dry? Is that even a thing? Yes, of course, it is.

Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, ERA at 6.85. In this column, we will discuss how Charlie Morton went from Ground Chuck to Upchuck. *vomits multiple times, wipes mouth* Ah, yes, that felt good. One love, but Chazz Facepalminteri is broke. Here’s my extended thoughts on him (subscribe for free to Youtube):

Kyle Wright – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Simultaneously, the worst and best Wright’s looked. Explanation: When a pitcher doesn’t have his best stuff, and he still manages to strap it on (bad choice of words) and give it to the other team (still not great words), it’s all that more impressive.

Matt Olson – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Get hot, you giant ess oh bee, please!

Pete Alonso – 4-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Albombso!

Carlos Carrasco – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.30. I watched the majority of this start, and it seemed like a 6 IP, 4 ER start in the non-dead ball era or 8 shutout innings now.

Ryan Yarbrough – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 19.29, as he was activated from the IL. He’s a Streamonator call at best, and, honestly, with how he was facing the disgrA’s, I can’t see streaming him.

Kevin Smith – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, he’s got as many homers as good movies!

Lou Trivino – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 12.46, as he was activated from the Missing Persons List. This guy was out so long I was on the phone with Oakland PD when I heard he was returning. Trivino is likely the closer, but rusty as all get-out. Think you can likely lose Dany Jimenez soon, but if you want to hold for the next save, I wouldn’t hold it against you, especially in a Won’t-Holds-It-Against-You league.

Paul Blackburn – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.22. Regression Fairies were in attendance in Oakland. We know because there was no one else there.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.55 vs. Julio Urias – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.88. I thought maybe MLB would cycle out the heavy-as-a-medicine-ball and cycle in some Bouncey Castle balls, but it doesn’t seem to be any luck with that yet. It’s kinda comical to think about a league so out of touch they think fans want less homers. Someone show Rob Manfred the old 90s ad, Chicks Dig The Long Ball, and he’ll be like, “Was it Free Shovel Day at the park?”

Tyler Mahle – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.01. Literally the worst pitcher in baseball. On the worst team. Get off my fantasy teams! I don’t care what the FIP says. Take your xERA and shove it! I don’t want him on my teams anymore.

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Moistasskiss!

Tommy Pham – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Reds suck, but Pham hitting in the top third of the order, and with a little power and speed, I could see a 2021 Robbie Grossman-type year. Pat yourself on the back if you know what I mean. Sointely-Curly-eye-poke if you don’t.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.18. Best he’s looked, yes. Was it against the 1897 Reds, when they had a literal goat playing 2nd base? Yes, but still.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. My Willy Adames sleeper call’s not looking too shabby here. My other sleeper Luis Urias (1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI) just returned too *in a very quiet voice* and hit ninth.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .232. You can take this about as far as you can throw Tellez, but his Statcast page is saying he’s supposed to be much better.

Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Elias Sports Bureau said this Ranger vs. Rangers start was the first time that’s happened since some guy named Angel prolly faced the Angels. So, we gave Suarez a month. He’s giving up too many homers. Quad-A pitchers are throwing 1.50 ERA this year; there’s no reason to wait around in shallower leagues. Plus, Streamonator hates his next start, and I agree. Maybe we’ll go back, but for now, spray on some Pitcher-Begone.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Jerry Tomato was really able to ketchup to that fastball.

Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he hit cleanup and DH. Also, Jonah Heim (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his third homer, as he hit 5th. Rangers spent $500 million this offseason, yet they have two catchers hitting back-to-back in their lineup like they’re Jennifer Connelly.

Trevor Rogers – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.14. Similar feelings to Ranger Suarez. Do you really wanna go down with the ship when you can just pick up some random like Humberto Castellanos (5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.12)?

Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .163. A more apt name would be Christian Homerorstrikeout.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last week. Already started looking at guys for this week’s Buy column, which will be on Patreon later today, and Pavin Smith has caught my eye as a hot schmotato.

Miguel Sano – Having surgery for a torn meniscus. That’s also the answer when someone asks you if Jose Miranda is up for good, or if he’ll get playing time.

Joe Ryan – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.63 vs. Bruce Zimmermann – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.48. Is this what regression looks like in the Dead Ball Era? What kind of sissification of regression is this?!

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Did only catchers homer yesterday? Sound off in the comments!

Jo Adell – Demoted to the minors. On one hand, this sucks. On the other hand, Brandon Marsh gets a boost. On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, Adell wasn’t playing anyway.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .317. Member last week when I inexplicably benched Taylor Ward in one league? Well, I played him this week, but guess who I benched for him? It rhymes with Must Gong.

Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Picked up Wacha two weeks ago, and he’s been absolutely dominant since. Who’s laughing last and sounding like Wacha, Wacha, Wacha?!

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Oh please let this be the fix to his Launch Angle that he desperately needs.

Tim Anderson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. That’s cool and Imma let you finish, but what happened to Seiya Suzuki? Is he still playing?

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Every Judge at-bat ends with an actuary walking onto the field to announce how much the Yankees now have to pay to keep him.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Sad to think Giancarlo and Judge may not be teammates next year, but maybe these last few years Giancarlo’s been like, “I’ve never felt a shadow before, and that’s why I’ve been cold.”

Dexter Fowler – Released by the Blue Jays. If this is the end of the line for The Chicken Man, then I’m sad to see him go, but I’m mostly thinking of Gus Fring from Better Call Saul/Breaking Bad.

Alek Manoah – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.45. Manoah’s next start is Mother’s Day, but, when Manoah is on the mound, every day is Mother’s Day.