The closer news is kind of like that pond back in the woods by Me’ma’s house. You know the one where you and your first “girlfriend” from Canada used to meet up and read scripture. Stagnant is the term for all you wordsmith’s out there. Spring training games just literally got started this week and the battles that are going on for unnamed closer spots; Rangers, White Sox and Astros, are still a hmmm situation. So until someone actually gets hurt, assassinated, or decides that baseball is no longer fun for him… we are at a stand still. Updates are always good though, and fun. It’s like Sudoku or the aggravation of doodling little numbers next to each box, stupid little numbers. They make it look all messy like a 4-year-old is doing it and you get all self conscious and hide it form the guy sitting next to you on the plane. It’s okay, admitting it is the hard part. Just say it to yourself and give yourself a wink in the mirror. So here is the slightly adjusted list of closers, the addition of Fernando Rodney not only adds legitimacy and tilte to the lefty’s swagger. So have at the list for this week and hopefully we will have some more news or will make up some stuff that’s more interesting in the upcoming weeks.
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel – (Jordan Walden, David Carpenter, Luis Avilan)
2. Aroldis Chapman – (J.J. Hoover, Sean Marshall, Sam LeCure)
3. Kenley Jansen – (Brian Wilson, Chris Perez, Paco Rodriguez)
4. Greg Holland – (Luke Hochevar, Aaron Crow, Tim Collins)
5. Trevor Rosenthal – (Seth Maness, Kevin Seigrist, Jason Motte)
6. Koji Uehara – (Edward Mujica, Junichi Tazawa)
7. Joe Nathan – (Bruce Rondon, Joba Chamberlain, Ian Krol)
8. Glen Perkins – (Jared Burton, Caleb Theibar, Michael Tonkin)
DonkeyCorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
9. Sergio Romo – (Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt, George Kontos)
10. Grant Balfour – (Heath Bell, Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
11. Casey Janssen – (Sergio Santos, Steve Delabar, Brett Cecil)
12. David Robertson – (Shawn Kelley, Matt Thornton)
13. Ernesto Frieri – (Joe Smith, Dane de la Rosa)
14. Jim Johnson – (Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle, Luke Gregerson)
15. Rafael Soriano – (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
16. Fernando Rodney – (Danny Farquhar, Tom Wilhelmsen)
17. Jonathon Papelbon – (Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lincoln)
18. Jason Grilli – (Mark Melancon, Tony Watson, Vin Mazzaro)
19. Steve Cishek – (A.J. Ramos, Mike Dunn, Carter Capps)
20. Addison Reed – (J.J. Putz, Brad Zielger, David Hernandez)
21. Jim Henderson – (Brandon Kintzler, Rob Wooten)
22. Huston Street – (Joaquin Benoit, Dale Thayer)
Brain Freezes
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
23. John Axford – (Cody Allen, Vinnie Pestano)
24. Neftali Feliz – (Tanner Scheppers, Joakim Soria)
25. Tommy Hunter – (Darren O’Day, Ryan Webb, Brad Brach)
26. Bobby Parnell – (Victor Black, Gonzalez Germen, Scott Rice)
27. Nate Jones – (Matt Lindstrom, Daniel Webb, Ronald Belisario)
28. LaTroy Hawkins – (Rex Brothers, Adam Ottavino, Matt Belisle)
29. Jose Veras – (Pedro Strop, James Russell, Blake Parker)
30. Chad Qualls – (Jesse Crain, Josh Fields)
