The Phils have a game plan, and it looks a something like this: Â trade and/or sign washed-out AL East starters. Â Worked last year with Jeremy Hellickson, and now they’ve traded for Clay Buchholz. Â This is the first tradeÂ where I can declaratively state both teams wonÂ and I don’t even know who Josh Tobias is, the infielderÂ the Phils sent to the Red Sox. Â Yes, I used declaratively. Â Watch out, reading comprehension! Â Looks like TobiasÂ has some speed, but it doesn’t matter. Â The Sox needed Buchholz off their team because they have a set rotation without him, and the NL East is about as good a landing place can be, even if Citizens Flank is slightly offensive-minded, and I don’t just mean the insults that rain down from the stands. Â “The only time the Phils ever strung three W’s together is with their website.” Â That’s a Philly fan. Â “Now lean down so I can puke on you.” Â That’s the same Phils fan. Â Buchholz looks to be in possession of all his pitches that he had when he had a 3.30 xFIP in 2015. Â Of course, those pitches couldn’t have looked more pear-shaped than last yearÂ with his 5.32 xFIP. Â Honestly, I think he could be anywhere from a 3.50 ERA pitcher to a 4.50 ERA one. Â Is he a mixed league starter? Â Maybe as a streamer, or if he starts off well, but not out of the gate, as they say in horse racing. Â For NL-Only, I’m going to like him as a late-round flyer. Â For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 8-10/4.07/1.31/117 in 145 IP. Â Anyway, here’s what else I saw inÂ the offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:
Koji Uehara – Signed a deal with the Cubs. Â Solid real world move, which is different than when a housemate cleans dirty dishes that aren’t his. Â That’s a solid Real World move. Â For 2017, I’ll give Koji the projections of 4-1/2.34/1.01/67, 4 saves in 54 IP.
Dexter Fowler – Signed with the Cards. Â JB and I went over the Fowler signing on our last fantasy baseball podcast (clickbait!). Â There I said, dot dot dot, hmm, I’m not sure. Â Who the hell could understand me with that garbled Jersey accent? Â I sound like a male Fran Drescher. Â Call me, Man Drescher. Â Oh, I know, I likely compared Fowler to Adam Eaton, another offseason signing. Â They are similar, but Fowler has more power and speed, but less chance of staying healthy all year, which I’d contend in shallower leagues is a positive, because of the ability to fill in for Fowler off waivers. Â If Fowler were to get 600+ ABs, you’d have a solid 4th fantasy outfielder who bordered on a third, but since he won’t, for 2017, I’ll give him 86/15/42/.261/17 in 512 ABs.
Kenley Jansen – Re-signed with the Dodgers. Â Fairly straight forward move by the Dodgers. Â They needed a closer, so they re-signed one of the best for a fairÂ price. Â Yes, we’ve reached the point where $80 million is a fair price. Â I apologize for the heart attack I just causedÂ Ted Williams’ frozen head, assuming a frozen head can have a heart attack. Â Does it just have anÂ eye twitch? Â Has someone sewn shutÂ the frozen head’s neck or is it left open? Â Does someone stub a toe, realize they don’t have any ice and wrap the frozen head in a towel and put it on their toe? Â I have frozen head questions, y’all! Â So, Jansen is a $12 Salad and re-signing in a city that loves salad won’t change anything. Â I’ll give him the 2017 projections of 4-1/2.11/0.81/100, 45 saves in 65 IP.
Justin Turner – Re-signed with the Dodgers. Â Another great signing by the Dodgers for real baseball, that isn’t that confusing for fantasy. Â Grab my hand, I’ll walk you through it. Â Metaphorically! Â Let go of me! Â Turner is exactly what he appears to be, a 22-homer, .270 hitter with a plus or minus five home runs depending on how many fly balls he hit. Â Last year, he hit a ton of fly balls and played a full season for the first time. Â That was his ceiling, and, while it’s obviously possible, I wouldn’t expect the same. Â I.e., that was Justin Turner Overdrive, wouldn’t expect it Bachman, even if he’s takin’ care of business. Â For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 81/24/92/.271/5 in 510 ABs.
Derek Holland – Signed with the White Sox in what can be described as “not even the White Sox make only good moves.” Â Meh, HollandÂ was only $6 million so I’m joking, I guess. Â That’s really selling it, huh? Â ‘Meh, HollandÂ was only $6 million so I’m joking, I guess’ is the sentence equivalent to the shy Trump voter. Â “Meh, Hillary sucks, so I guess I’m voting for Trump, but I’m not telling anyone.” Â Holland hasn’t called anywhere except Texas home in his career, so better pack up those windmills, you got serve-em-up’sÂ to blow out of a new stadium. Â Serve-em-up’s is Holland’s best pitch, by the way.
Welington Castillo –Â Signed with the Orioles. Â Every year, boeuf Welington looks like he could break out, but either teams don’t play him or he gets injured. Â Seems like boeuf Welington has gotten a raw deal. Â So, does that make him carpaccio? Â Hopefully, he doesn’t lose too many at-bats to Caleb Joseph and hisÂ Amazing Shittycolor Dreamcoat. Â I’ll give CastilloÂ the projectionsÂ 38/16/59/.239/1 in 390 ABs.
Jhoulys Chacin – Signed by the Padres to a one-year $1.75 million contract. Â I wonder if Padres willÂ now go out and find a hitter for under $2 million too. Â Say, Mark Trumbo for a week or maybe YaniqueÂ Solarte, Yangervis’ brother who works as a drag queen in Key West.
Danny Espinosa – Traded to the Angels. Â Going back to the Nats in the trade was, “We don’t care, just take Espinosa.” Â Why did Arte Moreno go from spending $200 million every offseason to looking like he’s using EBT? Â Is Moreno the Latin Loria? Â Did he build up a team to get a lucrative TV contract and then pull the rug out on fans? Â Mike Trout is looking like a modern day Ernie Banks with this schmohawk offense. Â As for Espinosa, um, yeah, for 2017, I’ll give him 57/19/67/.215/12 in 502 ABs.