Jose Veras was traded to the Tigers, which is bad news for Veras and potentially Joaquin Benoit. It’ll likely only be bad news for Veras’s owners. My guess is Benoit will hold the job with Veras setting him up, but I would hold Veras until the Tigers confirm that through usage. It’s also potentially bad news for anyone who picks up the Lastros potential replacement, Jose Cisnero. Too bad Jose “Set The Table For The Opposing Team” Mesa retired, it sounds like there’s a Jose revival. “I can get someone to cover for me selling scratch-off tickets.” That was Jose Mesa, holding a presser at his local 7-11. Since the newest name to get some fantasy value is Cisnero, let’s be like a cyclops with a monocle and take a closer look. He’s been awful. You’d be hard-pressed like overpriced juice to find someone who has been as bad recently that could be getting saves. Since June 26th (last ten appearances), he’s given up eight runs in 8 2/3 IP. In that time, he’s allowed nine walks, nine hits and one homer. Only thing he’s not allowed is a legitimate reason to be the closer other than he’s young and the Asstros might like to try him out for next year. Another option for saves in Houston is the guys the Astros just called up, Josh Zeid and Chia-Jen Lo. Both of which sound like background extras in the cantina scene in Star Wars. Both are unproven, so likely headed for the middle innings or to see Boba Fett. Finally, there’s Wesley Wright, who sounds like the third Wright brother — the one that was scared of heights. “We’re gonna need you to put your seat in the upright position.” “You know what? You and Wilbur have at it.” That was Wesley getting off the plane right before that maiden flight. Wright is more of a lefty specialist, so he might only see a handful of saves. Then again, this is the Lastros, and there may only be a handful of saves for anyone. All in all, or whatever clunky intro you want on this sentence, I’m glad someone else beat me to the punch grabbing Cisnero. I sense a Mitchell Boggs reprise in the works, which isn’t the same as The Mitchell Boggs Reprisal that the Geneva Convention commissioned after Boggs attacked fantasy owners ratios earlier this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, just want to quickly announce that our pigskin brethren have started RCLs for football. To join a fantasy football league, click that linkie-ma-whosie. Anyway II, the roundup:
Scott Downs – Traded to the Braves. Of course, Downs isn’t traded to the Astros or Mariners or somewhere he could be inserted into the closer role. In Atlanta, the Scott Downs’ Syndrome will be alive and well. O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on for Scott Downs.
Brandon Beachy – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. I watched this game, because I was interested in seeing how Beachy looked. Or iWatched, if Apple has trademarked all first person singulars already. Beachy actually looked better than I expected. As I’ve been saying all along, I don’t have Beachy anywhere and had no interest in getting involved in that sweepstakes. He looked better than I expected because he wasn’t very wild. Seemed to just miss on a few pitches that could’ve been called strikes, and then when he moved into the strike zone, he was pounded. I still wouldn’t want anything to do with him.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s shown signs before this year (maybe for like a day or two) and I don’t want to jinx it so I’ll just say he’s even hitting foul balls on the nose, which is good for baseball players, bad for porn stars.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Another guy that is smoking everything he sees, which is good for both baseball players and porn stars.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hitting near .400 in the last week. Shown little to no power this year so far, but in over 300 at-bats he’s hitting .339, and he’s leading the NL in hitting. Next stop, Cray-zee Town.
Jorge de la Rosa – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. I almost picked up George of the Roses for this start. Whew, tragedy and trajectory towards the TV averted.
Carlos Gonzalez – 5-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. He put on a Mayo clinic yesterday with hits all over the field. I say Mayo Clinic because I’m being PC about what CarGo’s owners had in their shorts after his performance.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. If we could bow our heads for a second. Well, don’t bow your head too much or you can’t read what I’m about to write. Also, don’t bow your head near CarGo’s owners. Okay, heads slightly bowed? Good. Now, I’d like to take a minute to pray to whoever you pray to that Arenado gets scorching hot in the final two months. Okay, raise your head, clap your hands like after a huddle and read on.
Wilin Rosario – 3-for-5 and his 15th homer. He’s more than happy to help your fantasy team. In fact, he’s Wilin.
Jake Westbrook – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks with a 3.18 ERA in 93 1/3 IP. Guess how many Ks he has on the year. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *takes out magazine, cuts out letters, arranges letters to form a threatening message, mails letter to Salvador Perez* Westbrook only has 34 Ks! More like Westbroke. Amiright?!
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Love that the Pirates are seriously contending with the Cardinals and beating them head-to-head. What a great underdog story! Did any of that sound sincere? No? Crap. I’m practicing for when I have to write my wedding vows.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. According to our Player Rater, he’s the sixth best 3rd basemen. According to my ulcer, he’s doing what I wanted from Mike Mostsuckass.
John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, 4.57 ERA. Member when he was a solid back end fantasy starter? Oh, well, Danks for the memories.
Zach McAllister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Does everyone want to call him McAlkaseltzer? Just me? Okay. If “mediocre starter” was in the dictionary, and there were such things as dictionaries and not just Google, McAlkaseltzer’s picture would be next to it.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4. Has a six-game hitting streak and is hitting near .450 in the last week. As Julius Caesar said, “Veni, Vidi, Viciedo is a hot schomato.”
Xander Bogaerts – Red Sox are playing him at 3rd base in the minors to prep him for his call-up, which, in the landmark case of sooner vs. later, will come in the next few weeks (days?). He was the number one prospect in Prospect Scott’s midseason prospect rankings for fantasy baseball and this won’t be the last time you hear his name. Now is the time to stash him.
Felix Doubront – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.77 ERA on the year. He was a preseason sleeper, and has done about what I expected. Sorry, I ate a lot this weekend and needed a new notch in my belt.
Jesse Crain – Rays acquired him for cash. Not sure how much cash it took since Crain was removed from eBay before I had a chance to look. He’s currently on the DL with a shoulder strain, so this move is more for the stretch run when he can, uh, stretch.
David Price – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks. Since I traded Machado for him, his stats are 2.31 ERA/0.79 WHIP with 36 Ks in 50 2/3 IP. On the podcast later today, I talk about this and say something to the effect it’s not as bad now as it was when Price got hurt, but now that I look at the stats, it’s still not great. I could’ve got those 50 2/3 innings from two middle relievers and still had Machado. Win some, lose some, trade’s not so toothsome. Though, I am obviously glad Price has rebounded nicely. (Last sentence was so the Fantasy Baseball Gods don’t smite my ass.)
Jeremy Hefner – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Hefner is officially off the free agent market, and not because he married his 6th blonde that is fifty years his junior, but because he’s looked egregious recently and shouldn’t be considered as a pick-up anywhere. Stream-o-Nator or not.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th steal, hitting around .400 in the last week with two homers, 11 RBIs, 7 runs and yesterday’s steal. On the year, he’s been about as good as Brandon Phillips, and is blowing away Altuve’s value. Murphy is the epitome of not-great-in-anything, decent-in-everything. Decent-in-everything is good for a used car, great for a pair of slacks, but gives me the mehsberries for fantasy.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-3, run and his first multi-hit game of his career. Still too early to give up on 61*nick or Yelich (who’s also struggling) in most redraft leagues. I’d try to give them until at least Sunday. Or Sunday Funday, if you’re a girl posting this on Facebook. Every time I see a guy call Sunday, “Sunday Funday,” they’re unfriended.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-5 as he was called up to replace Pujols on the roster. He’s more than earned his time with the Angels, and probably should’ve just been who they went with instead of Hamilton. In Triple-A this year, Kalhoun had 12 homers, 10 steals and a .354 average. Prospect Scott had this to say, “The 25-year-old out of Arizona State features an advanced approach and good pop, making him an attractive pinch-hit option for LA in the immediate future, and a potential full-time corner outfielder down the line. His most attractive attribute is he bears no resemblance to Grey.” Hey, c’mon! With Pujols injured, Hamilton could slide into the DH spot and Calhoun could see everyday at-bats. For now, he’s more of an AL-Only option, but if he shows non-cola pop and speed, I could see changing that to mixed league viable.
Ernesto Frieri – 2/3 IP, 2 ER with 2 homers allowed and the blown save. Frieri is the Ferrari of closers. Not the sports car manufacturer, but Carlo Ferrari, the Italian guy whose armpit hair sticks out when he wears a wife-beater, reeks of Drakkar Noir and hits on your girlfriend.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.84 ERA. Can’t argue with the results for Weaver because arguing with something like results is the first sign of mental illness, but I still have my popcorn ready for when his ERA regresses towards his xFIP. Pop Weaver, to add insult to injury.
A.J. Pierzynski – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Another guy that only seems to hit homers on short schedule days. If I would’ve listened to Hitter-Tron, I would’ve grabbed Pierzynski, but that horny robot, the Hitter-Tron, creeps me out with his metalrotica.
Geovany Soto – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. He has three homers in the last ten games and…Dah, I can’t build up any enthusiasm for him. Let me try again. Soto is hitting near-.350 in the last week with power– Oh, forget it.
Shin-Soo Choo – Day-to-day with an ankle injury. Ironically, his brother, Ankle-Soo, has a sore shin.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.59 ERA on the year. I really thought that was a misprint in the box score. Can someone Zapruder Leake’s starts to see if he really has a 2.59 ERA? That Leake ERA would blow a blood vessel in Vizzini’s head.
Carlos Quentin – Out with a tweaked knee. So, Quentin is sittin’, Kotsay will play, hey hey hey.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4. Since I don’t own him, can he get suspended already? What’s the hold up here? Are we waiting for A-Rod to say Everth supplied him? Everth’s cousin?
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Here’s what’s gonna happen. Cespedes is gonna get crazy hot and end the year with 24 homers and a .265 average. Then next year everyone’s going to draft him in the same place they did this year and completely forget he was kinda miserable for four months.
Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with a solo homer, hitting around .190 in July. After peaking at .350 on June 16th, he’s down to .290. Next stop .270. Then .250. Then .252. Then .254. Then .253. Well, you get the picture.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games as he hits ninth. Where is Lawrie going to get drafted next year? 150? 175? Around the same spot as Headley? Will Headley draft Lawrie or himself? I got questions, y’all! Pie-style!
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Ks are there all the time, but he’s been one of the most frustrating pitchers to own. He reminds me of a young Gallardo. I will call him Girllardo.
Caleb Gindl – 2-for-3, 1 run and 3 straight games with two hits. Gindl could be the makings of a hot schmotato or a character from J. R. R. Tolkien.
Pedro Strop – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Geez, you let every guy that comes up score? More like a Stroppet. Or a Submarmol.
Brian Wilson – He’s in the Beachy category, as in I don’t want anything to do with him. He says he’s major-league ready, and I’m sure a team will take a chance on him. A major league team can afford a middle relief gamble that could pan out. My best guess is he’d need to throw lights out for at least a month before anyone actually considers him for the ninth. Unless he finds a team that is especially crummy with crackers and thrusts him into the ninth after only a few appearances. This seems highly unlikely. I will quote this when he does sign with a team, so this is me quoting future me!
Joe Mauer – Returned from paternity leave. They should call that Shawn Kemp leave.
Jason Bay – Mariners designated him for assignment. We’ll see what happens. Earlier in the year, they designated him for the assignment to play ten years younger and make management look smart for signing him to a million dollar contract, but he failed that assignment.
Brad Lidge – Inked a one day contract with the Phillies so he could retire. It’ll be the first time he inked a contract, then immediately retired anyone.
