Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team. Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198. If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom. Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone. Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash. Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year. Mullet over, if you will. Weaver was better last year. Blunt is as blunt does right there. His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better. His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010. For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks. Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone. In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring. What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school? Play the games!
Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf. That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.
Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday. That hit the spot in one of my leagues. It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.
Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA. Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.
Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life. Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline? Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game! Fantasy baseball: When real life stress isn’t enough.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year. Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.
Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers. Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.
Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist. He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day. Didn’t the season just start? I’m sad.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season? Oh, those were the days. It was warm out! You had more hair! Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox. If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.
Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger. Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.
Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday. Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.
Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159. Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn. Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”
Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball. In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.
Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. Okay, start the hype machine for next year.
Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal. Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer. For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.
Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him. That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli. Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line. He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30. This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck. 30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.
Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run. That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year. This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM. “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?” “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.” “Neither do I.”
Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday. Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year. Do it for all of Ryan’s fans. You know, the Lavarnwayians. Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.
Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September. What-what?! Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam. Parmelee and Tosoni? Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.
Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.
Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.
Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago. Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal. I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week. You wanna know one guy that really surprised me? Steve Lombardozzi. No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi. Emilio Bonifacio. Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having. I mean, I should. I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months. Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook. You’d have me committed. It’s all about the medium!
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs. Now has 16 homers and 30 steals. You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop. Hanley comes to mind. He would’ve been worse. On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars. I’m guessing it’s the latter.