The title reminds me of an old joke — stop me if you’ve heard it — a guy with a wooden eye walks into a bar and pours out his heart to the bartender, “My wife left me, she said I had a bad temper, and, with this disability — this wooden eye, I will never find another girl.” The bartender puts down the glass he’s shining because that’s what bartenders do to talk and says, “I’m not going to lie to you, your wooden eye could be a problem. You need to find a girl with problems of her own. How about you try that girl by herself on the dance floor? The one with the big ears.” So the guy with the wooden eye downs his shot of whiskey, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and approaches the girl, “Do you wanna dance?” She swoons, “Would I?” “F*ck you, Dumbo!” So, Alex Wood is in Coors tomorrow. Um, yeah, no thank you, but this is about the bigger picture. Well, not too big of a picture, because the Dodgers have about sixteen starters on the DL, so at some point Wood might not be in the rotation. He is now, though, and he’s lovely. He has a 11.5 K/9. That would be the fifth best starter K-rate and better than his rotation mate, Kershaw. Wood has a 2.49 xFIP, which would be third in the majors for starters, behind only Chris Sale and Pineda. To touch on stats that actually matter, his ERA is 2.73, and he’s been unlucky! You’d be hard-pressed to find one area where Wood is not excelling. Am I grabbing him in all leagues? Of course! Wait, are you asking, ‘would I?’ F*ck you, Dumbo! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Cameron Rupp – This was, how do you say, not a good week for waiver wire catchers. James McCann has floated up for me like a goldfish in Disco Stu’s shoes, but he’s hitting .164. Rupp’s actually hitting well — .263, few homers in the last week — though the Phils have been giving Knapp a bunch of playing time. He’s nothing more than a ham ‘n egger with his lunch in a Knapp sack; Rupp is a guy with 20-homer power who just needs to play.
Danny Valencia – I nearly made Valencia the lede this week, was thisclose. You can’t get closer than putting ‘this’ abutted to ‘close’ with italics. Seriously, I tried. The thing that stopped me is the Ma’s seem to bench Valencia against some righties. (By the way, I accidentally spelled M’s as Ma’s and it made me giggle so freakin’ hard I left it.)
Logan Morrison – I’ve never seen any X-Men movie, but I looked up Logan to see if I could draw some inspiration for this blurb, and I saw that Logan’s logline was about him caring for Professor X, who is played by Patrick Stewart. Couple of things on this, Professor X from X Clan? And is Patrick Stewart playing this in black face? And I’m all about cougars, but there’s no way Hugh Jackman is really married to his wife, right? Granted, that last one is less about the movie. As for Morrison, he’s hot.
Rhys Hoskins – I’m not embarrassed to say I’m only listing Hoskins because Prospector Ralph has rave reviews for him. Though, I have to be honest, watching the gif PR put in that post is either very impressive because it looks like he barely hit it or not impressive at all because it looks like he barely hit it and it went so far. Like a teamster, I’m leaning on the latter.
Kennys Vargas – This is the greatest week ever for 1st baseman pickups! All four of them! Or is it five? Do we have a rough estimate of how many Kennys there are? How many Rhys (Rhyses, Rhyii)?
T.J. Rivera – I almost listed Jose Reyes, and, brucely, he’s better than Rivera, but I have this thing for Rivera that only owning him can fix.
Ryan Schimpf – Where are we going to eat for dinner? –pf Bang’s! I enjoy their table-made sauce; it almost tastes Chinese! Be hilarious to open a PF Chang’s in China. “We call this Bizarro Chinese.”
Kolten Wong – Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on from my alter ego, B Fire.
I love Wong even if he ain’t for Matheny,
Like Kevin wanna give Winnie his love weinie,
Like Dwayne Carter and Roxie Roker wish they were a Lil’ Weezy,
Damn, these allergies got me Lil’ Sneezy.
Keep my allergy medicine with my Altoids, that’s my Claritin,
Goodbye, Britton, you’re in my wheelie bin,
Wong across the pond is half a bangers and mash dish,
Kendrick asks for a hand jay, “Rub’bish?”
Yunel Escobar – I won’t make you say anything nice about your mother-in-law and you don’t make me say anything nice about Yunel, deal?
Freddy Galvis – I’ve owned Galvis on one mixed league team and own him in an NL-Only league too. I don’t know if this is a recommendation or not. Of course it is, I’m in 1st in both of those leagues. Eat a D, snitches!
Aaron Altherr – I just gave you my Aaron Altherr fantasy. It was written on the back of Model T Ford heading into the Dust Bowl in The Grapes of Wrath.
Tommy Pham – Laura just gave you her Tommy Pham fantasy. That’s right, you knuckleheads, we have girls writing for us. Don’t walk around here in bare feet because the glass ceiling has been broken!
Jayson Werth – Is there anyone more exciting than Jayson Werth? Not to answer, but to pretend there isn’t.
Ben Gamel – He was also on the shortlist for the lede this week, but Valencia and Gamel kinda cancelled each other out. Also, if you must know — you’re so nosy, you! — Gamel is more of a hot schmotato with less longterm prospects, and I just like Wood (hehe). If we are to dig in on Gamel, we see a guy that has some light power (10-ish), some okay speed (20-ish), will hit around .280, and spends countless hours reassuring his brother that he could be in the majors too, if someone just gave him a chance.
Keon Broxton – It took a while to get there, or a month, depending on your POV for ‘a while,’ but Broxton finally looks like the guy we thought we were getting in April.
Scott Schebler – Is it me (it’s not me) or do you have certain guys on your team that are hot for a while, then they may still be hot, but you just grow bored and drop them? I did this with Pillar and Schebler. It’s Shiny New Toy Syndrome (ShiNTSy; as doctors call it).
Koda Glover – Someone should miniaturize Dennis Quaid and spitball him into Dusty Baker’s ear to see what he’s thinking on the Nats’ closer shituation. “I could go with Kelley, Glover, Albers, Romero, Blanton, Grundel…Wait, did I make up that last name? Slowly take the toothpick out of your mouth and say, ‘Who wants some Arby’s?'”
Justin Wilson – Just gave you my Justin Wilson fantasy. It ran roughshod between brilliant and dopey with no median.
Addison Reed – Just went over Reed this morning. Use your scrolly, clicky finger and have at it!
Derek Law – The Giants are saying Melancon won’t be out longer than the minimum amount of time. Could they also say why his name is pronounced with a bouncy C? It’s really annoying. Oh, and I’d also own Hunter Strickland.
Darren O’Day – Of course, if Brach is available in your league, he’s the first guy, but Showalter has said he would use a committee if Brach can’t do the job. Showalter’s exact words were, “I’ve hit everyone leadoff in the last 14 months, including a guy with a .290 OBP, so don’t doubt me.”
Matt Moore – This is a Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to the Ecudorian embassy in London to chat with the only other person as lonely as him.
Ricky Nolasco – Another Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to Domino’s to say, “I want pizza and good conversation.”
SELL
Ryan Zimmerman – I mean, c’mon. You knew this was in the works from the time Zimmerman managed to get out of April with a .400 average. Is Ryan Zimmerman suddenly Ted Williams’ Frozen Head? Better question, does he taste like chewing tobacco and baseball field when you lick his face? If not, he is not Ted Williams’ frozen head. Not only is Zimmerman outperforming in every conceivable way, but I don’t even think he’ll stay healthy. I wouldn’t trade him for an undershirt once worn by Artie Lange, but I would explore options.
