For this Buy on Adam Frazier, we are hoping C**nt Hurdle doesn’t mysteriously bench Frazier for, say, Jose Osuna, Alen Hanson or John Jaso. You’re thinking to yourself, “No way Hurds benches a guy that’s batting near-.360. No way Hurds does this to a guy that regularly hit for a .300+ average in the minors. No way Hurds does this with a guy that had a .400+ OBP in the minors and with an OBP near-.450 in the majors.” Yeah, well, Hurds and way, Little Miss Muffet. I have no proof of this, but I think C**nt Hurdle came up with the idea for gas station TV. Not that there’s anything dumb about TV above the pumps while you get gas, but it’s so stupid that every 15 seconds it says, “Welcome to Gas Station TV!” Imagine this anywhere else, “Hello, and welcome to living room TV!” “Welcome back to guest bedroom TV, after just telling you that you were watching guest bedroom TV literally 15 seconds ago!” “We now interrupt the conclusion for this week’s Better Call Saul finale to tell you exactly where you are.” That Hurdle came up with announcing Gas Station TV every 15 seconds tells you how smart this guy is. Frazier does appear to be as good as most leadoff guys around the league for OBP and speed. Think a poor man’s Ender. I will call him, Watching The Ending Of A Show On Gas Station TV. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Yan Gomes – There was legit no catchers I wanted to highlight this week. Boeuf Welington was under 50% owned, but he’s about as appetizing as pâté cake, pâté cake when the baker’s man used liverwurst.
Justin Bour – Was nearly the lede this week, but since Smoak was the lede last week, I thought I needed to switch it up from a power-only first baseman. This, of course, is arbitrary, like my dream where my maid, Graciela, and I were Indiana Jones and Short Round. I was Short Round, she was Indy.
Josh Bell – There’s a chance I will stop highlighting Bell at a certain point. Not because he’ll stop hitting the occasional homer, but because his name reminds me of Dr. Dre’s worst song. Compton was the most disappointing album, but at least it didn’t have a Ring Ding Dong (Keep Their Heads Ringing) remix.
Logan Morrison – Similar sitch as Bour and the rest of these 1st basemen. If you say to me, “I can’t find a 1st baseman on waivers that does nothing but homer every few days,” I will IP block you.
Matt Adams – I just gave you my Matt Adams fantasy. It was written on my grundel while looking in a ceiling mirror.
Sam Travis – Here’s what I said the other day, “Red Sox called him up to face lefties and play 1B and Moreland is now a platoon player. C’est la vie. Or say, “Effin crap,” if you own Moreland. Prospector Ralph actually wrote a full Sam Travis sleeper last year. I think that was prior to me sitting down with Ralph and saying, “How about less Red Sox posts? Thanks, buddy,” then patted him on the butt and sent him on his way. Travis is a poor man’s Moreland. I will call him, Mitch Studio Apartment.” And that’s me quoting me!
Tommy Joseph – “Unkie Grey, can you read me the story that’s 750 words long about how there’s five dozen power-only 1st basemen to pick up?” See the Buy/Sell, kid.
Mike Napoli – After Pesci jumps up to mock-shoot Liotta in Goodfellas’ famous “How am I a clown?” scene, Liotta waves his hands to facetiously tell Pesci to stop. Right now, I’m mock-waving a gun at all of these 1st basemen and they’re facetiously waving their hands. You wanna laugh? Last week Napoli asked me to christen his kid.
Ryon Healy – Seriously, one more 1st baseman and we’re gonna have ourselves a problem.
Devon Travis – Yeah, I love Travis in the big picture, but in the small picture… Where is he? *puts on reading glasses* Oh, there he is. He’s been good, so pucker up, because, as Jaye P. Morgan once said on The Match Game, “I just shampooed my lips.”
Jed Lowrie – Does nothing really exciting, except he is swinging a hot bat right now. He usually has a good week or two in his bat to make you go from “I don’t want Jed Lowrie” to “I don’t want Jed Lowrie long-term, but he’s fine for now.”
Rio Ruiz – For as many 1st basemen as there are to Buy, there’s un gotz as far as 3rd basemen, which brings us to Rio Ruiz. The Ruiz River dissects the coastal town of Low Batting Average Shitsville and Empty Powertown, that used to be a Native American site filled with deep fly outs and dead coyotes.
Amed Rosario – You know what the Mets are waiting for to call-up Amed? They’re waiting until you’re trapped in an elevator with no cell reception, so someone else in your league can grab him.
Tim Anderson – All joking aside, a guy gets hot, in this case, Tim Anderson, and I grab him, and hold him for a week or until he gets cold. This whole, “Grabbed Tim Anderson yesterday, should I go with Didi? I just dropped him two days ago.” I appreciate your ADHD, but if you don’t give a guy a chance to hit on your team, you’re just shuffling players.
Didi Gregorius – Putting aside the obvious rap comparisons, he also sounds like a female Fargo character who talks a lot. “You betcha, Didi Gregorius, now I have to run to Bemidji.” This season of Fargo is too clever by half. Been pretty disappointed in it, since it was one of my favorite shows its first two seasons. If MasterChef isn’t good this season with new judge Blue Jays’ pitcher, Aaron Sanchez, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
Max Kepler – You know what’s funny (to me, at least), no matter who you Google the first and 2nd suggested searches are “[Insert Player Name] jewish?” or “[Insert Player Name] girlfriend?” Y’all a bunch of gossipy Chatty Pattys. If someone wants to dominate search results, make a site, Is He Jewish and Does He Have a Girlfriend dot com.
Bradley Zimmer – For those wondering, because I was, Aaron Hicks was owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues, so he didn’t make it into the Buy column (not officially, at least). Zimmer’s like a poor Hicks. I will call him Hillbilly.
Koda Glover – Was named closer by Dusty, after two months when he should’ve obviously been the closer. Wait! It gets better! Now that Glover’s named the closer, I’m half-expecting him to not get the next few saves, because: Dusty.
Brad Hand – Could be the new Padres closer. To misquote Deniece Williams, “Let’s hear it for the Brad, let’s give the Padres a Hand.”
Tyler Glasnow – I don’t fully trust Glasnow, but Stream-o-Nator likes him this weekend, and I don’t think it’s simply because it’s lonely AF and streaming pitchers gives it a chance to talk to imaginary friends.
Matt Moore – Long story short, I looked at the Stream-o-Nator for the next four days and there wasn’t much there; pretty much a choice between Nadir Bupkis and Rock Bottom.
SELL
Aaron Judge – I hope you’re not walking under a Yankee fan’s window when they see this because it won’t be urine flying out the window (for a change) it will be their laptop. We have so many Tools, I even lose track, but one of our many tools that I don’t mention enough is our Buy/Sell Tool, Buysellatops. Our Buysellatops grazes during the day, and makes boku trades at night. If you click ROS$ minus STD$, you’ll see guys that are Sells. It’s saying these guys have given more value season to date than they will rest of the season. It’s fine to disagree with Buysellatops, it won’t bite your head off. It’s a vegetarian. As for Judge, his HR/FB% is 42.9%. If I were the type to el and oh and el again, I’d let out an uproarious laugh there. Barry Bonds in a Wiffle Ball League doesn’t homer at that rate. I like Judge, and wouldn’t sell him for a five-second commercial spot on Gas Station TV, but I would explore options.
