Years ago, the movie industry left Mickey Rourke for dead. He couldn’t get a job with anyone. His face looked like pot-holed road that a Doberman took a dump on. His attitude was more disagreeable than Jack’s white supremacist gang from Breaking Bad. The rumors were he gave up acting prior to his last few movies and what you saw in those last few was simply a cardboard cut-out of Rourke that he bought in Chinatown in the 80’s. When Darren Aronofsky found Rourke for The Wrestler, Rourke was ice fishing in a tenement in West Virginia. The ice was methamphetamine and he’d toss a fishing line out a 4-story window and try to fish it out of a drug dealer’s hidden stash. Then The Wrestler happened and he acted well enough to distract from his face. Suddenly, the contracts started streaming in and Rourke was hot again. Then a funny thing happened. He brushed off the cardboard cut-out for his next few movies and started calling Marisa Tomei at four in the morning to see if she wanted to go get waffles and blow him. In the life cycle of Mickey Rourke, Nelson Cruz is now receiving acclaim for his performance in The Wrestler. At 33 years old, it is possible Cruz could have a career year, but he is 12 homers from his career high. What does he get the rest of the year? 15 homers? Maybe. That means you already got the bulk of his stats and it’s barely June. He’s also a .270 hitter that is currently hitting .313, so what does he do the rest of the year? 15 homers and a .260 average? That’s Khris Davis. If you have someone in your league with visions of Diner and Rumble Fish, I’d absolutely explore offers selling Nelson Cruz. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Josh Willingham – I know no one that reads this site is in a league where Willingham is still available, but I’m told by ownership numbers that he’s readily available. I’m beginning to think ownership numbers are like how many girls you say you’ve slept with compared to actually have.
Lorenzo Cain – If he were named, say, Fred Smith, I don’t think I’d be nearly excited about Lorenzo Cain. Unless it was the Fred Smith that owned FedEx. Surprised he didn’t go with FredEx. I would’ve. Maybe that’s why I run a fantasy baseball blog and not a billionaire dollar company. Hmm…
Michael Saunders – You have to platoon him against lefties, or assume you’re just not going to have an outfielder in those games. I did call Saunders recently Trader-Joe’s-GMO-Brantley because he’s a poor man’s Michael Brantley and I stand by that. Okay, I lied; I’m sitting.
Denard Span – Going on about 16 weeks in a row of me saying to pick up Span. So, if you haven’t by now, that means you’re not reading this. Since you’re not reading this, I thought it was time to come forward. I was the one that parked two inches from your car that made you crawl in the passenger side. My bad. I figured anyone driving a Corvette was smart enough to figure out an alternate entrance, if only barely.
Corey Dickerson – In the preseason, Steamer had a major hard-on for Dickerson. If that’s a pun, it’s noted. I’m not entirely sure. I need a Brit to confirm; they’re so clever! Dickerson wasn’t just Steamer working blue, he does have a solid power/speed combo and plays in Coors. Yes, please and don’t mind if I do!
Oswaldo Arcia – You’d think I really liked Arcia with how much I keep talking about him. Well, I do. That’s almost as predictable as an old Asian lady wearing a mask. At what age do Asian women start wearing masks? Is it a rite of passage for Asian women at the age of 70? I got questions, y’all!
Andre Ethier – This is more of a Hitter-Tron selection that it’s excited for. Not quite as excited as the first time it saw carlashes.
Gregory Polanco – His time is nigh! That’s near, not that his time is at night and my T key suddenly stopped working.
Brad Miller – This guy sounds vaguely familiar. He play for the Mariners? Middle infielder? Not ringing a bell at all. He’s been hitting recently but don’t have any in-depth information because this is the first time I’ve heard of him.
Jordy Mercer – You know the guy at the supermarket that collects the shopping carts and when you see him you say, “How ya doing?” and he talks to you for five minutes even though you were just being polite and didn’t want to actually know how he was doing? Jordy sounds like a guy that would do that.
Brock Holt – I recently dropped Holt because I didn’t need runs. I would do the reverse Holt drop if I did need that sorta thing.
Trevor Plouffe – I could sit here and quote you all kinds of reasons why you should pick up Plouffe. But I honestly don’t have that many reasons. Just one: he could hit for power.
Kolten Wong – Keep an eye on whether or not his shoulder is going to sideline him for long. If it doesn’t, remember he won NL Rookie of the Month honors in May. Hey, I wonder if Wong’s parents get a bumper sticker that says, “My child was NL Rookie of the Month.”
Tommy La Stella – Funny how the Gods of fantasy baseball work. La Stella looks like the real deal for average, but he has little power and speed. It’s like an O. Henry story and La Stella just bought Dan Uggla a comb and Dan Uggla just bought himself hair gel that the comb can’t get through.
Kendrys Morales – I just gave you my Kendrys Morales fantasy. It was written while reading the Yahoo Answers entry for “Who sang Looking In Your Big Brown Eyes: Bob Marley or UB40?”
Wilson Ramos – I’m going on the assumption that people are in at least ten team leagues. There’s ten better catchers than Wilson Ramos? Well, maybe. But what about in 12 team leagues? Yeah, possibly there too. But maybe not! How’s that for the lukewarm seal approval?
Joba Chamberlain – Joe Nathan shouldn’t be the closer right now. That’s not to say he won’t be. Teams often go with the girl they brought to the dance, even if the other girl by the punch bowl is flirting hardcore, laughing at all your stupid jokes and saying she likes fantasy baseball. Worth it to grab Joba just in case Nathan makes it impossible to continue dating. Though usually the girl by the punch bowl lasts for about a week until she sleeps with your uncle and starts calling you nephew-to-be.
Collin McHugh – Has pitched well, but beyond that the Stream-o-Nator only has nice things to say about his next start too.
Andrew Heaney – It takes a doctorate in Brain Chemistry to figure out Super Two, but I think Heaney’s coming up on the 16th.
Eddie Butler – I’d grab him for some possible rookie nookie as I went over the other day (if you click his name, you’ll see the last three posts where he was mentioned), but I wouldn’t start him tonight since he’ll be pitching at the same altitude as many Penthouse Letters submissions. Eddie Butler also joins Charlie Blackmon and Corey Dickerson in the Reggie Cleveland Hall of Fame, and joins the White Eddie Club with Eddie Van Halen, Eddie Bauer and Crazy Eddie. (Note: Eddie Munster was green.) Tough break for Forest Whitaker who was all ready to star in Butler’s biography. You’re a good actor, Forest. But not that good.
Rubby De La Rosa – I don’t trust Rubby as far as I can throw him, and while I am hella buff, I can’t throw him very far. In deeper leagues though it’s worth a flyer for Ks.
Marcus Stroman – I already gave you my Stroman fantasy. It was one part wow and two parts “Oh no he dint!”
SELL
Joey Votto – The Buysellatops, that big lumbering beast, thinks this Sell is cock-eyed like the guy on lookout in Puppetry of the Penis. That tool (the Buysellatops, not the– Well, you get it) actually is telling you to buy Votto, and, let’s face it, everyone is worth a price to buy or sell. With that said (reversal, snitches!), I’d sell Votto low. In the past two years, he’s hit 14 homers and 24, respectively. Or that’s pretty whatever, disrespectively. Now he’s saying he will have injury concerns all year. I don’t doubt he can hit .300 again this year and get decent counting stats. But so can James Loney! What are we running a camp for the kids who don’t hit for power and only average? I’m not running that camp. I wouldn’t even send my dog dressed up in human clothes to that camp. I’m not saying sell Votto for a limited edition asparagus Pop Tart, but I’d explore options.
