Wearing my white seersucker suit and standing in front of a jury, “I am Matlock. The guy Matlock, not the Kathy Bates reboot. Now, cheating as defined in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, “To act dishonestly or unfairly, especially in a game. Nowhere does it say ‘Hanging out with Fernando Tatis Sr. is a crime.’ Nowhere does it say taking ‘vitties’ what Tatis’s daddy calls vitamins, is a crime. Nowhere does it say you cannot get jacked on vitties. Lord knows I’d be cheating right now in my upcoming pickleball tourney if vitties were a crime. Your Honor, we must free Jurickson Profar of prosecution!” The Judge clears his throat, “I’m ‘Your Honor’ you’ve been addressing the jury.” So, Jurickson Profar returned from a long layoff, due to extra vitties intake that I’m sure he was unaware he ingested. Literally no one has ever been suspended for something they knowingly took. Snitker said he’ll be hitting in the middle of the Braves’ lineup. Right between “player who is underperforming” and “player who is really underperforming.” Profar had a classic season last year that was always going to be unrepeatable — vitties or not — because it was so reliant on counting stats, but if you’re struggling to find a backend outfielder for runs and RBIs, I could see a flyer on him. If nothing else, I love the MLB tie-in of Jurickson Profar returning just in time for a new Jurassic Park. Bet he’d like to Jurickson park one in the bleachers! Just avoid those vitties now, ya hear? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Gary Sanchez – El Gary, not to be confused with the Spanish side of the tracks in that town in Indiana, has been a hot catcher for as long as I can remember*. *I have a one-week memory.
Shea Langeliers – Oh no, it’s The Langeliers! The latest horror mini-series from Stephen King, a man whose words are only scarier than his face. On this episode of The Langeliers, he’s in Bing Bong Stadium, being chased by the Ghost of Scott Hatteberg and only The Langeliers can combat this supernatural being with homers! “Please, succeed The Langeliers! You’re our only chance to stop Hatteberg’s Curse of Walking!”
Ernie Clement – I saw Clement’s stats for the year and thought that he looked a lot like Arraez, and would you slap me and call me Pee-Paw if they weren’t right next to each other (as of the time of this writing) on the Player Rater.
Otto Lopez – Should really be rostered in 100% of leagues by now. Y’all slow on the uptake here.
Brooks Lee – Fun fact! Bruce Lee’s famous quote is, “Be water,” which translates back to Brooks Lee.
Hyeseong Kim – With the injury to Muncy, I’m sofa Kim into Hyeseong.
Nolan Gorman – Heading to waivers and searching for No-Go and thinking, there’s something poetic about my struggling offense relying on No-Go.
Caleb Durbin – He’s a rookie and his strikeout rate is under 10%. That’s insanely elite and, for a guy with 40-steal speed, it might just be [flashes hands like a marquee] STAR POWER!
Zach McKinstry – This I found interesting (and potentially only me). McKinstry is rostered in 52% of leagues, so not really eligible for this post as he’s over 50%, but I just can’t believe he’s rostered in more than 50% of leagues. I do not believe my own eyes. McKinstry is really liked that much? Y’all out there rostering him in that many leagues? Are you a bunch of Moses McKinstrites walking to Mount Sinai and lifting the Ten Commandments to read the first one, “You must roster Zach McKinstry?” That you? For reals? I’m surprised by your devotion to Zach. He’s been decent, but to start a whole religion over him? I don’t know, man. Y’all crazy!
Joey Ortiz – For some reason, when I see a guy hitting around .210 with a great strikeout rate, I do a small chuckle thinking about how bad his HardHit% must be. In Ortiz’s case, it doesn’t get much worse. Dude’s an “86 MPH dribblers to the pitcher” factory.
Cam Smith – Don’t think he’s actually available, but I just wanted to write out his name because it helps me feel something. Long live Cam Smith! May your reign be way longer than your name.
Coby Mayo – I like grilled corn slathered in mayo; it’s called a Cobby Mayo, and I like my prospects to get actual playing time, which the O’s refuse to do in the silliest of ways. They have Coby Mayo and they’re playing Ramon Urias. In a lost season, by the way! The perfect time to let Mayo get an opportunity, but nah. Any hoo! He’s been hot in limited duty.
Ramon Laureano – Yup, the O’s are playing the 31-year-old Laureano every day. You better believe that! What a hideously run team.
Jacob Young – Missed out on Chandler Simpson? Why not try Jacob Young? For a limited time, your waivers will supply you with cheap speed in Young!
Lane Thomas – He has two first names and you trust him? Haha, well ain’t you gullible as shizz! [sees he’s been hot] Okay, maybe I will reevaluate my conspiracies.
Mitchell Parker – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to the library.
Stephen Kolek – This is also a Streamonator call. “No, I’m not asking if you have ‘I, Robot,’ I was introducing myself.”
Randy Rodriguez – Doval sucks, Walker is worse, Randy-Rod is the best guy in that pen, but Bob Melvin is managing without Billy Beane telling him what to do, so who knows how long Randy-Rod can stay out of the 9th, but I’d go with him if I were looking to stash potential closers. Also, can you imagine how excited the San Fran fans would be to get a Randy-Rod?
Tony Santillan – Pagan has been excellent, which means he should be traded immediately to the Phils or Padres or Dodgers or anywhere, really.
Ronny Henriquez – If the 2025 Marlins Manager of the Year ever figures out Ronny is not just better than everyone else in the pen, but ten to fifteen times better, we’re gonna be in trouble. It’ll mean The Dumbs are getting smarts.
Brad Lord – Usually I give you a middle reliever who is great on his own, not a guy who sounds like a Pixar character who prays a lot and is pretty mediocre, but Kyle Finnegan is going to be traded, then sign again with the Nats next March, then get traded next July then–Well, you get the idea.
SELL
Mike Trout – I guarantee you one thing and one thing only, if you have Mike Trout, his name conjures a whole lot more than his actual production. He’s gone from “always great when healthy, just never healthy” to “staying on the field to the detriment of my fantasy team. Can he please get hot and injured again? Is that possible?” Sadly, that Trout is cooked and not smoked, holy mackerel, this guy stinks. On the Player Rater, he is at 100% rostered and surrounded by guys at zero percent rostered in Steven Matz and Bryan Baker. I know you can get more than that value if you traded him. I wouldn’t trade Mike Trout for a seat cushion once used by Roseanne Barr, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
