When Hunter Renfroe was demoted two months ago, he had to ask himself, “Did I just lose my job to Jabari?” Since he was holding down his soon-to-be-extinct home button on his iPhone, Siri responded, “You’re the jabroni.” This sent Hunter Renfroe into a shame spiral not seen since Lorenzo Lamas spun his laser pointer at cellulite. Then Renfroe stepped on more mental rakes that smacked him in his face. He followed The Iron Sheik on Twitter, who promptly called him a Jabroni. He wandered into a Brony convention, and a bearded man dressed as My Little Pony introduced himself as Jay Brony. It was awful! Renfroe, or as Scooby would call him, ‘Renfroe,’ has a batting average that is the dog’s breakfast, which means it’s Scooby snacks. Zoinks! That’s not why you’re owning him; it’s for power, that he has in spades (though clubs would make more sense). If you need power in the final ten days, grab Renfroe, you jabroni! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy, if you’re into the hoop ball, ya know, tossing the rock (I’m so effin’ hip!), fantasy basketball leagues are signing up. Go there, sign up for that. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
BUY
Jorge Alfaro – I realize this is a sickness, but I’m already excited about drafting Alfaro next year in all leagues. He hits tape measures; the other Phillies are on the pee-pee tape. Ya know, Rupp/Knapp.
Justin Bour – Are you on Bour? C’mon, it’s elemental. Are you on Bour? Damn, man, you’re supposed to say, “I’m Bour on.” It’s a new version of saying “Dopeysayswhat,” super fast.
Yoan Moncada – I would hope if less people were onto fantasy football, Moncada would be owned in every league. I also hope Riley had a good life, because my mom keeps telling me, “I have the life of Riley.”
Ozzie Albies – I’m gonna start writing his name, Trigger Warning: Ozzie Albies, that’s how much he excites me. Of course, right now, the only thing that matters is if he’s hitting, and he is.
Jose Reyes – Here’s another guy that’s hitting. And I haven’t even started talking about what he’s doing on the field!
Jeimer Candelario – I wonder if when Candelario plays vs. the Mets, Keith Hernandez will try to score some coke off him. “You’re thinking of my feminine noun, Candelaria” says Jeimer.
Tim Anderson – I keep seeing Anderson batting towards the bottom of the White Sox order, and it annoys me to no end, and I consider removing Anderson from my fantasy lineup, because I could really use runs, but he keeps producing. I should’ve put that whole previous sentence up with Renfroe because it was a shaggy dog story.
Aaron Altherr – I nearly made Altherr my lede this week. Excuse me, “the” lede. This is yours as much as it’s mine. Granted, you’re not the one with arthritis from typing 2000 words every day. Nor are you the one answering all the comments. You’re not the one paying for the server to house the site. You’re not the one finding advertisers, while trying to avoid advertisers who want to put pop-ups. You’re not the one juggling social media accounts, six sports, forums, book and t-shirt sales and writing day-to-day player blurbs. But, sure, this is yours as much as it’s mine.
Austin Hays – Has been playing right field for the Orioles, and, in the top 10 outfielder prospects, Prospector Ralph said, “You want to see a model of consistency? Look at Hays’ slashline from 64 games in High A (.328/.364/.591), then look at his slashline from 60 AA games (.328/.364/.592). That’s some weird statistical OCD! Hays is a contact over approach player with plus-power in the mold of a Willie Calhoun-type. He’s been the biggest offensive breakout in the minors this season, and, speaking of offensive, Grey looks like he smells.” Hey!
Dexter Fowler – Here’s the Cards’ hot-hitting, serial killing, chicken man. You better not make him educate you on why you should pick him up. He might just say, Cluck U.
Matt Belisle – “…And that’s how your grandfather won saves in his very competitive 8-team league. Now go smack your grandmother’s fanny for me.”
Blake Treinen – Similar to above for Belisle, well, not so much granny-fanny smacking, but if you need saves to win a league — SAGNOF!
Shane Greene – I own him, so I know the big issue with Greene. Like a bad self-help book, it’s not him, it’s them. The Tigers just suck.
Sam Dyson – Speaking of sucking, it’s Dyson! Say hello to your mother for me
Blake Parker – “He’s the Angels closer, right?” said a man in a strait jacket, who was driven mad by trying to figure out the Angels’ bullpen.
Sean Manaea – It’s one of the Stream-o-Nator‘s wild predictions this weekend, like the prediction it made in January that it would get to 30 followers on Instagram. Only 28 to go!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Yet another Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to Toys R Us to see if it should now refer to the store as Toys Were Us.
Jhoulys Chacin – Yo, Saturday is a good day for some streaming. Yeah, Boyd! Oh, him too, Matthew Boyd.
SELL
Any Starter That Doesn’t Have A Good Final Matchup – Don’t do a “Find” on your team page for “Any Starter That.” He’s not an actual player. This is self-explanatory. There’s no time left in the season to be waiting on a guy that, say, goes to Coors next. I’d even look at cutting top arms after their next to last start if they’re headed to the playoffs. Kluber, for unstints (that’s how I spell it), could only go a few innings in his final start. Or get skipped completely. Kershaw, for unstints, may only see a few innings in the final week. You, more or less, need to think of every pitcher as a streamer from here until the end.
Any Hitter That Is Cold Or Day-To-Day With An Injury – This is looking at you, Bryce Harper. Will he be healthy the rest of the year? That’s a frown question, bro. You’re goofy in the coconut if you’re waiting around for him. It’s all good, KMD’s Mr. Hood, but you can drop him. There’s no time to be waiting around for cold hitters either. Jake Lamb sure had a great 1st half. Are you playing fantasy in a DeLorean? Who cares! Cut him! I really liked what Miguel Cabrera brought this year in its inverse, and I’d lose him with the quickness of a thousand monkey-fighting ninjas. Today, is your Independence Day from cold players, so don a Benjamin Franklin wig and start losing guys!
