The Phils have a game plan, and it looks a something like this: trade and/or sign washed-out AL East starters. Worked last year with Jeremy Hellickson, and now they’ve traded for Clay Buchholz. This is the first trade where I can declaratively state both teams won and I don’t even know who Josh Tobias is, the infielder the Phils sent to the Red Sox. Yes, I used declaratively. Watch out, reading comprehension! Looks like Tobias has some speed, but it doesn’t matter. The Sox needed Buchholz off their team because they have a set rotation without him, and the NL East is about as good a landing place can be, even if Citizens Flank is slightly offensive-minded, and I don’t just mean the insults that rain down from the stands. “The only time the Phils ever strung three W’s together is with their website.” That’s a Philly fan. “Now lean down so I can puke on you.” That’s the same Phils fan. Buchholz looks to be in possession of all his pitches that he had when he had a 3.30 xFIP in 2015. Of course, those pitches couldn’t have looked more pear-shaped than last year with his 5.32 xFIP. Honestly, I think he could be anywhere from a 3.50 ERA pitcher to a 4.50 ERA one. Is he a mixed league starter? Maybe as a streamer, or if he starts off well, but not out of the gate, as they say in horse racing. For NL-Only, I’m going to like him as a late-round flyer. For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 8-10/4.07/1.31/117 in 145 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in the offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:
Koji Uehara – Signed a deal with the Cubs. Solid real world move, which is different than when a housemate cleans dirty dishes that aren’t his. That’s a solid Real World move. For 2017, I’ll give Koji the projections of 4-1/2.34/1.01/67, 4 saves in 54 IP.
Dexter Fowler – Signed with the Cards. JB and I went over the Fowler signing on our last fantasy baseball podcast (clickbait!). There I said, dot dot dot, hmm, I’m not sure. Who the hell could understand me with that garbled Jersey accent? I sound like a male Fran Drescher. Call me, Man Drescher. Oh, I know, I likely compared Fowler to Adam Eaton, another offseason signing. They are similar, but Fowler has more power and speed, but less chance of staying healthy all year, which I’d contend in shallower leagues is a positive, because of the ability to fill in for Fowler off waivers. If Fowler were to get 600+ ABs, you’d have a solid 4th fantasy outfielder who bordered on a third, but since he won’t, for 2017, I’ll give him 86/15/42/.261/17 in 512 ABs.
Kenley Jansen – Re-signed with the Dodgers. Fairly straight forward move by the Dodgers. They needed a closer, so they re-signed one of the best for a fair price. Yes, we’ve reached the point where $80 million is a fair price. I apologize for the heart attack I just caused Ted Williams’ frozen head, assuming a frozen head can have a heart attack. Does it just have an eye twitch? Has someone sewn shut the frozen head’s neck or is it left open? Does someone stub a toe, realize they don’t have any ice and wrap the frozen head in a towel and put it on their toe? I have frozen head questions, y’all! So, Jansen is a $12 Salad and re-signing in a city that loves salad won’t change anything. I’ll give him the 2017 projections of 4-1/2.11/0.81/100, 45 saves in 65 IP.
Justin Turner – Re-signed with the Dodgers. Another great signing by the Dodgers for real baseball, that isn’t that confusing for fantasy. Grab my hand, I’ll walk you through it. Metaphorically! Let go of me! Turner is exactly what he appears to be, a 22-homer, .270 hitter with a plus or minus five home runs depending on how many fly balls he hit. Last year, he hit a ton of fly balls and played a full season for the first time. That was his ceiling, and, while it’s obviously possible, I wouldn’t expect the same. I.e., that was Justin Turner Overdrive, wouldn’t expect it Bachman, even if he’s takin’ care of business. For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 81/24/92/.271/5 in 510 ABs.
Derek Holland – Signed with the White Sox in what can be described as “not even the White Sox make only good moves.” Meh, Holland was only $6 million so I’m joking, I guess. That’s really selling it, huh? ‘Meh, Holland was only $6 million so I’m joking, I guess’ is the sentence equivalent to the shy Trump voter. “Meh, Hillary sucks, so I guess I’m voting for Trump, but I’m not telling anyone.” Holland hasn’t called anywhere except Texas home in his career, so better pack up those windmills, you got serve-em-up’s to blow out of a new stadium. Serve-em-up’s is Holland’s best pitch, by the way.
Jimmy Rollins – Signed with the Giants. Brian Sabean likes his players like Dracula, long in the tooth.
Daniel Hudson – Signed with the Pirates to back up closer, Tony Watson. Hudson said, “I wanna bring a new river to Pittsburgh. The Hudson!” then high-fived a passing janitor.
Welington Castillo – Signed with the Orioles. Every year, boeuf Welington looks like he could break out, but either teams don’t play him or he gets injured. Seems like boeuf Welington has gotten a raw deal. So, does that make him carpaccio? Hopefully, he doesn’t lose too many at-bats to Caleb Joseph and his Amazing Shittycolor Dreamcoat. I’ll give Castillo the projections 38/16/59/.239/1 in 390 ABs.
Jhoulys Chacin – Signed by the Padres to a one-year $1.75 million contract. I wonder if Padres will now go out and find a hitter for under $2 million too. Say, Mark Trumbo for a week or maybe Yanique Solarte, Yangervis’ brother who works as a drag queen in Key West.
Clayton Richard – Signed a deal with the Padres also for $1.75 million. I think we get a sense of how much Padres’ management has to spend on a pitcher.
Danny Espinosa – Traded to the Angels. Going back to the Nats in the trade was, “We don’t care, just take Espinosa.” Why did Arte Moreno go from spending $200 million every offseason to looking like he’s using EBT? Is Moreno the Latin Loria? Did he build up a team to get a lucrative TV contract and then pull the rug out on fans? Mike Trout is looking like a modern day Ernie Banks with this schmohawk offense. As for Espinosa, um, yeah, for 2017, I’ll give him 57/19/67/.215/12 in 502 ABs.
Martin Maldonado – Brewers traded Maldonado to the Angels for Jett Bandy. In baseball inner circles, this trade is being called by the shorthand ‘Jettin Baldy-gotta-go.’
