When one guy in a fight is named after a maximum security prison and the other guy is named after something Velma from Scooby Doo says when startled, who do you think is gonna win? Quentin took a pitch off his bicep. Nay. It grazed off his arm. Not just any pitch either. A 3-2 pitch. Are we to believe sweet, innocent, my fantasy ace, Zack Greinke in all his 12-year-old boyish looks would wait to throw a purpose pitch on 3-2? A 3-2 purpose pitch?! That makes sense. Maybe next time he’ll walk him, then toss a pick-off throw low so the 1st baseman has to slap the tag real hard on his leg. A 3-2 purpose pitch?! That’s fertilizer! Get off the ‘roids, Quentin, you have rage issues! So, Greinke has a fractured left collarbone. He’ll be out at least six weeks. My guess for his return is the All-Star break. Why does awful have to happen to my wonderful? Why, deity of choice?! Why?! Someone please tuck me into a sleeping bag of cashmere and rock me back and forth until I fall asleep. Please make this pain go away. Or hurt Quentin. That would help. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into today’s post I just wanted to inform everyone that the Stream-o-Nator has returned. It’s new and improved. Stream-o-Nator, “You know that sounds like a compliment, but it’s really implying I wasn’t that great last year. I’m gruff, but those things hurt my feelings.” So, this year the Stream-o-Nator no longer has numbers 1 thru 1000 (?). It’s now on a dollar scale like you’d find in a draft. A $30 starter is obviously great. A $1 starter is probably awful. Lower your dollar threshold to where it’s appropriate for deeper leagues, i.e., a $15 starter for 12 team leagues would be solid. $10 starter for 15-team leagues would be solid. $2 starter for AL-Only leagues that only use Astro and Indian pitchers is great, etc. Also, SON comes with ownership numbers for 12-team mixed leagues. So, go say thanks to Rudy, it’s all him. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Josh Johnson – I read that it was very cold in Detroit for the Johnson start, which affected his velocity. That weather was why he gave up 6 ER in 1 1/3 IP. Well, it’s a good thing he’s playing in Toronto this year. That’ll make for some toasty weather! (I know it can be an indoor stadium, Smarty Two-Cents.) The velocity is supposed to return for Johnson once he gets in warmer weather and once 5 years come off his age and once a major arm surgery is magically removed from his arm. I am the Magical Arm Injury Fairy, “I have come to remove any injury history from Josh Johnson’s arm…Ooh, a lady bug! Sorry, what was I saying?” The Magical Arm Injury Fairy sure has a short term memory. If you followed my rankings where I told you to avoid Josh Johnson, none of this matters. You don’t own him. I wouldn’t start now, i.e., I before E except in Teixeira, don’t trade for him.
Brett Lawrie – Went 2-for-2 in an extended spring training game. I wonder if extended spring training is like an after hours clubs that always has the “most slammin’ music” and the “most bangin’ ladies” then when you show up it’s 3,000 Asian dudes with glow sticks drinking Red Bull.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4. Was one of two Blue Jays to have a multiple hit day yesterday (along with Melky). Rasmus was the only Blue Jay available on my waiver wire and he was the one I picked up to stream. Booyakasha! Speaking of which, now that the Stream-o-Nator is in the bag the next major release will be the Hitter-Tron, which will be to stream hitters on short schedule days. Hitter-Tron, “I’m coming.” Hmm, he sounds Austrian. “I am.”
Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fister won out over the BJ’s. Hey, to each his own.
Joaquin Benoit – Leyland said Benoit is officially the closer. But not really. I mean he really said it, but he also said it’s not doable every day. Benoit can’t always go on back-to-back days, struggles with homers and sounds French. Leyland’s other options are Coke, Valverde (soon), Al Al’etc and Dotel. They could all see opportunities. I’m trying to wrap my brain around Valverde pitching in anything but save opportunities and being effective. That’s not to say he would be effective as the closer either. I’m just saying that I can’t imagine the Tigers go through all of these trouble for Valverde, the guy that closed (if miserably at times) last year, and then they put him in the 7th or 8th inning. For now, I’d hold Benoit, Coke and Valverde, depending on need/want/desperation.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-2 and 4 ribbies. Those are tofu ribbies, by the way. You know how Animal Planet does counter-programming during the Super Bowl halftime show with the Puppy Bowl? Someone should do counter-programming to the Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest with vegetarians. Prince Fielder vs. Carnie Wilson in the Not Dog Eating Contest. Like you wouldn’t watch.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a triple and a steal. Are we sure the weather was to blame for Josh Johnson’s start and not MLB moving the bases 59 feet closer to each other for the Tigers?
Austin Jackson – 3-for-6, 3 runs and a 1 RBI, hitting .375 on the year. I’m pretty bummed I don’t own him on any team. That is all.
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4 and a run. He’s now 6-for-8 in the last two games. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could’ve been. How’s dem apples? Delicious!
A.J. Griffin – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Angels. After the game, Arte Moreno bought the state of California, renamed Oakland “Los Angeles of Anaheim” and claimed victory.
Seth Smith – 4-for-5, a run and RBI. The Lisper’s Nightmare if theven for hith lath nine.
Mike Trout – 0-for-4, hitting .250 after being moved to second in the order. Somewhere, Joe Charboneau is cackling.
Gordon Beckham – Out for 6-8 weeks with a broken hamate bone. He’s lucky his name isn’t Beckpenis.
Dylan Axelrod – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Spare me the Axelrod and spoil my fantasy team.
Stephen Drew – 1-for-2, with a run. Yay. Whatever. He did nothing yesterday, just like he’s done nothing for the last decade. Just wanted to point out something. In the last week, ESPN has had fantasy ‘features’ on Halladay, Vernon Wells, Hafner and Stephen Drew. Am I the only one that thinks this is a joke? Hey, ESPN, nice Cavariccis, you should try these new things called MP3’s, and don’t be alarmed, but there’s a black president.
Chris Davis – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer. T-minus 26 days until the first unsubstantiated story from someone who calls themselves, “Whistler’s Truther,” about how Chris Davis is on steroids.
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 runs and could’ve stolen a few bases if Markakis didn’t keep swinging at every freakin’ pitch. It’s crazy how little hype Machado has. On Wednesday, he hit a bomb for a home run. Yesterday, he dropped a bunt that went about five feet from Salty and beat it out for a single. I’m believing the young Hanley comparisons. Yet, people care about Lawrie. Give me Machado. For serious.
Chris Tillman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. He really only had one tough inning, and looked in command for the rest of the game (then was bailed out by Matusz). I’d hold Tillman for now. I know, I’m crushing hard on the Orioles this year. Fire Showalter and maybe they can win the title.
Michael Saunders – Placed on the DL with a sprained shoulder. This means more time for Jason Bay and Raul Ibanez. If you’re just waking from a four year coma, this isn’t a good thing.
Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. They should’ve moved the Safeco fences in 20 years ago! Safeco didn’t exist twenty years ago. Random Italicized Voice, it was a figure of speech. Oh, yeah, people are walking around all over saying, “They should’ve moved the Safeco fences in 20 years ago.” Very popular figure of speech. Leave me alone, Random Italicized Voice. The Big FraGu should be owned because he’s hitting the Schlitz out of the ball.
Michael Morse – Out for 3-7 days with a fractured pinkie. I blame Carlos Quentin.
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Cubs, ERA is at 7.15 after two starts. I still like Vogelsong. I hope you don’t mind that I put it down in words. Sorry, that always happens when I write Vogelsong. I hope you don’t mind that I put it down in words. Anyway, he’ll catch his groove at some point, and you can tell everybody this is your Vogelsong.
Anthony Rizzo – Hit his 3rd homer. Not bad, Jerky! And better than Gyorko.
Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a steal, hitting .370. I have no idea why he’s splitting time with Scott Hairston, who’s hitting .125. Though I’d prefer to be greeted every morning by Keith David’s creepy laughter than try to figure it out.
Mark Teixeira – Could swing a bat on Friday in a cage. In related news, on Friday, A-Rod could swing a cage dancer’s bat.
Curtis Granderson – He began throwing yesterday. With his timetable still mid-May, he could pick up a fungo by this weekend. In France, it’s spelled fungot. Fact!
Aaron Harang – The ugliest player on earth found a new home in Seattle. Damn, and now Willie McGee has to take another hit with the ugly stick. Best case scenario, The Harangutan has some match-ups appeal at home. Worst case scenario for his time in Seattle is he gets Lyme Disease and Steven throws his teddy bear into the water.
Jorge Soler – Cubs prospect was suspended for 5 games for wielding a bat in a benches-clearing brawl. Reminds me of the time Carlos Marmol was accused of hitting a 24-year-old woman in his native Dominican Republic. He was aiming to the right of her, but couldn’t control his punch.
