Fantasy Baseball Advice

We try to keep you ahead of the game here in The Bottom of the 9th, allowing you to make RP changes before most people in your leagues by examining rocky situations (whether thanks to injury or incumbent performance) and plotting a course of action. We’re still going to do that in a few paragraphs, but first, with teams near the 81-game mark of the season, let’s review the biggest surprises of 2011 thus far.

Joel Hanrahan was one of the last closers off the board in March, and because of that and his excellent strikeout numbers in 2010, he ended up on a lot of my teams, especially as he was named the team’s closer over Evan Meek pretty early in the drafting season. All he’s done at the (about) halfway point is sit atop the closer rankings with 22 saves, a 1.24 ERA and 0.94 WHIP without blowing a save opportunity. He’ll obviously be drafted much higher next year

Craig Kimbrel wasn’t even a lock to close, with fantasy owners having to choose sides between Kimbrel and Johnny Venters in many drafts and auctions. While Venters has been the better fantasy pitcher overall — can you believe he’s still No. 1 in Yahoo’s player rater among RPs? — Kimbrel has paid huge dividends on his draft spot. He current ranks as the fifth best closer in the game, with 20 saves and 58 strikeouts through 38 innings.

Finally, the biggest surprise may be the top of the relief charts in general. Toss out RP-eligible starters and the top 10 relievers in the game in order are Venters, Hanrahan, Francisco Cordero, Brian Wilson, Drew Storen, Kimbrel, J.J. Putz, Kyle Farnsworth, Fernando Salas and Adams. Ryan Madson ranks 11th. How many of those guys could you nail as top 10 relievers at the mid-point of the season? Wilson sure, Kimbrel and Putz maybe. You tell someone on March 31 that Cordero would be the third best reliever in fantasy through June and they’d call you Mrs. Cordero.

It just reinforces the old adage: don’t pay for saves. And if you do, pay a very small amount.

Quick Hits

Ryan Madson is currently on the shelf, but that doesn’t mean it’s time to run out and grab more Phillie relievers in hopes of finding some saves. He should only miss a few more days, and there isn’t even a set interim closer to grab, though Antonio Bastardo is pitching so well (like, almost Venters-level well) that one could argue he should be owned in more leagues anyway. Your top-five non-closing RPs currently include Venters, Adams, David Pauley, Bastardo and Tyler Clippard.

Brandon Lyon is out for the season (as I’m sure you’ve heard), meaning we can cash in our “10 Saves Under (-105)” ticket at any time. It also means the until recently unknown Mark Melancon is locked into his closing job for the year, making him a top-20 closer and making the 50 percent of fantasy leagues in which he’s available look pretty dumb. I’d easily dump Dodgers and Blue Jays to add him, as well as any elite non-save guys outside of Venters.

Joe Nathan is back from the DL — if you were a Nathan owner earlier in the season, you’re probably saying, “So what?” However, he looked much better in his previous rehab assignment than he did at any other point this year, leading one to believe he may finally be recovered from Tommy John surgery. Matt Capps has a 0.87 WHIP and a 20:2 K:BB ratio, so one could argue his closing gig is safe. However, Matt Capps has a 4.06 ERA and five blown saves in 16 chances, so one could argue he’s on the way out the door. At any rate, Nathan will need at least a few weeks of great pitching before the Twins harbor any thoughts of a switch. If you have a free roster spot and want some potential post-All Star Break saves, Nathan is a good add.

The Dodgers have managed just two saves this month going into Sunday’s action. Jonathan Broxton should be back with the team by this time next week, and while he won’t be thrown back into the fire immediately, he should have his closing gig back by the All-Star Break. I’d think long and hard about trying to flip Capps to the Broxton owner in your league.

In the ever-revolving Toronto closer situation, Frank Francisco has the team’s last three saves, making him the Blue Jays Closer I Guess At Least For Right Now of the Week. Frank Frank hasn’t allowed an earned run since June 6, bringing his ERA down to 4.50. He has a good K rate (26 Ks in 22 innings), but I still don’t trust him. Beggars can’t be choosers though, so if you’re desperate for saves, grab the 48 percent owned player.

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC.  Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it.  Hey, pot, what’s up?  Kettle, here.  You black?  Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead.  Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits?  I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400.  Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade.  You read me?  Yeah, you do.  My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness.  See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win.  Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian.  You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect.  So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano?  Will he melt under the hot lights?  Or will he be solid enough to great?  In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals.  The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why.  While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more.  He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.

Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start.  Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Now has 8 earned runs since he returned.  Hey, he looks like his old self!  If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.

Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too).  I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t.  He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5.  Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.

Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot.  “Tears make me rust!”  That’s Morneau.  He just had an MRI on his wrist.  The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints.  Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked?  He needs to have his head checked.  He probably needs a new operating system.  On Morneau’s player card it says POS:  1B.  The POS is right.

Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery.  It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks.  You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows.  Pregunta:  Should I pick up Maholm?”  His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks.  I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues.  In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer.  Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  Now has a 23-game hitting streak.  Or 23 more games than Morneau.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run.  In the past week, he has 6 steals.  He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet.  Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games.  Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.

Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments.  In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

Later, Hawai’ian.  Hello, Eric Hosmer.   Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!”  In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs.  Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A.  Bye, A!  The average has been great too.  He looks like Votto to me.  To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year.  He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you!  If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it.  He’s just a bit too raw.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere.  You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk.  Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call.  Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today.  Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff.  They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get.  Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way.  Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team?  He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC.  Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything.  His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out.  I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.

Melky Cabrera – Hit his third homer to put the pressure on Justin Morneau to keep pace.

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead.  Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save.  He’s the closer!  Maybe!  He might have the job until he blows it.  Or not!  He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind.  “Look at my hair!  It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.”  Whatever, La Russa.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base.  See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4.  I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!

David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Maybe he knew what he was talking about in not knowing what I was talking about.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Or a Boesch & Bomb.  Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Give Al Alburquerque a chance!  Santa K, New Mexiclosero!

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success.  Take that, snitches!

Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals.  Holy SAGNOF, Batman!  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.  Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups.  To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific.  It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology.  Or maybe it’s confirmation bias.  Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer.  I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d.  Yes.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose.  If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game?  His ERA is 2.06.  Cust kayin’.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games.  Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting.  Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.

Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.”  Show him what he wins!  A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …

Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year.  Is he still drunk?

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals.  Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.

John Lackey – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Angels treated their old teammate like an inmate riot treats a cruel guard.  Shiv!  Shiv!  Shiv!

Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL.  Don’t take my word for it.  Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.”  Alrighty then!  I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.

Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot.  So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree?  If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.”  Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.