Fantasy Baseball Advice

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.

When you drafted John Lackey and/or Ervin Santana in your fantasy baseball leagues, you probably didn’t know that you weren’t going to see either of them until the middle of May.  Last year, Lackey suffered from a strained triceps (I think that’s near the biceps — I should’ve been a doctor!) and returned to solid results.  In 163 1/3 innings, he had a 3.75 ERA and 130 Ks.  In the abbreviated 1st half, he had a 2.47 ERA and 1.80 and 1.16 in May and June, respectively.  But in the 2nd half, he had a 4.99 ERA.  Red flag, right?  Not entirely.  He gave up more home runs than his career rate and there’s no reason to think he should give up that many homers again.  However, he’s not getting guys to swing and miss like he used to.  So a better 2nd half, but he’s not a 2.47 ERA pitcher for the whole year either.  Think 3.50/1.22 and 10 wins in 20+ starts.  Then there’s Ervin Santana.  He showed up on the risky pitchers list and promptly went down with an elbow injury.  This was probably due to being overworked last year.  The last two months of rest probably did his arm good, but he’s still a risky proposition.  He’s much more of an unknown on how he’ll bounce back this year.  If he returns with solid results in the first couple of starts, I’d try to flip him for a different piece unless you’re strapped for pitchers.  Don’t sell him for fiddy cents on the dollar.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johan Santana – Mets have given him 9 runs of support in 7 starts.  They’ve also given up 4 unearned runs in those games.  Maybe he can start a support group with Dan Haren.

Carlos Delgado – Out a couple games with a nagging hip injury.  No fear – the Mets have…Fernando Tatis?  What does Omar Minaya do all winter?  Can you think of another team that doesn’t have a backup 1B on the roster or in AAA that is better than Fernando Tatis?  The Mets should trade for Kila Ka’aihue in the hopes he can be their lucky Hawaiian buddha like Benny Agbayani was.

Matt LaPorta – Seems to only be playing against lefties.  Makes him very difficult to own in mixed leagues.

Carl Pavano – Pavano is back from 3 1/2 years on the Disliked List to put up a 3-3 record for the Indians.  With a 6.45 ERA and 1.54 WHIP, consider Mike Mussina and Razzball unconvinced.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5, 2 HRs yesterday.  I talked him up in the preseason then didn’t get him in one draft.  Very frustrating.

Jay Bruce – 13 runs for the Reds.  0-for-5 for Bruce.  Ticker tease!

Adam Rosales – 3-for-5, HR yesterday, batting .295 for the year.  He’s filled in for me for Aramis in one very deep league and it’s worked out pretty well thus far.

Felipe Lopez – 3-for-4 with a homer.  You would think he was in an 0-for-100 slump with how many questions I get about whether he’s any good to own.  He’s a 2nd baseman going 20/20 and currently batting .323.

Justin Upton – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  He’s breaking out.  Conor Jackson is breaking out too.  With chicken pox or shingles or something.

Derrek Lee – The bulging disk in his neck was ruled not career threatening.  His hitting on the other hand….

Derek Lowe – 5-1 with a 3.80 ERA.  The ERA is about where you expect it.  The Wins are a bit fluky.  Watching him pitch is like watching an artist mow his lawn.

Jhonny Peralta and Alexei Ramirez – 4-for-9 with 5 RBIs.  Rejoicing for everyone who just picked them up on the cheap.  Grumblings of “About fhuxeing time” for those that have had them since draft day.

Lastings Milledge – Suffered a broken finger in Triple A.  Luckily, he’s got a backup from when the Nats gave him the finger earlier this year.

After a great first week (3 HR, 5 RBI), Troy Tulowitzki has done a whole lot of nothing. From 4/12 to 4/29, 0 HR and 0 RBI. He’s K-ing in 28% of his ABs, almost double his career rate.  He’s now sporting a .200 AVG for the year. He got ‘benched’ for a game in favor of Clint Barmes.  So what’s the silver lining?  First and foremost, Tulo is a slow starter.  Unlike Robby Cano and LaRoche Sr., he lived up to his historically poor form.  In 2007-2008, he hit .197 over 187 April ABs.  When his K goes back to his normal 15% and the BABIP pendulum swings at least a little to the middle (at .225 right now), the AVG will take care of itself.  He’s too young and Colorado is too elevated to think he can’t get 20+ HRs if he stays healthy all year.  Once the weather starts heating up, expect Tulo to heat up as well.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lance Berkman – He’s batting .162.  I think owners might fear Berkman’s too old or it’s one of those years when he just sucks.  There’s no way his average stays that low, so we’re looking at a major correction for a career .300 hitter.  Think of a .400 June.  That’s hawt!

Brandon Phillips – Like my hair during the heyday of Vanilla Ice, Phillips is streaky (with blonde highlights!).  Phillips will go a month where he’s dreadful.  April was one of those months.  He can just as easily hit .290 in May and hit 5 HRs and get 7 steals.  Check raise to the bettor, snitches!

Phil Hughes – It’s Phil of the Future… Finally, now.  Maybe.  But it’s worth a flier to find out.

Chad Gaudin – He’s in Petco?  Yes, please.

Eric Patterson – His family originates from Patterson, NJ and when Eric was born in Holy Oak Hospital they looked out the window and saw a passing bus with a man they thought was Eric Roberts driving said bus.  It wasn’t, but they liked the name.  Oh, and Eric Patterson can steal.

Ryan Madson – Whether Lidge goes to the DL or not, Madson can be owned.  If Lidge goes to the DL, Madson should be owned.

Julian Tavarez – SAGNOF!

Joe Beimel – Only if you have room on your DL.  Don’t load up on Nats relievers, they’re bad for your complexion.

Kendry Morales – When I wrote a sleeper post two months ago about this guy I was widely ignored.  And I will probably be ignored again.  He’s kind of like Mike Jacobs with less power but a better average.  Enticing!

Andruw Jones – I really don’t trust this guy to keep the bottom from falling out, but if you get a good week or two from him, whatevs.

Adam Rosales – Who knows how long Edwin’s going to be out?  You a doctor?  Nah, me either.  Though I did help deliver Eric Patterson and that was Eric Roberts driving that bus!  Rosales should be owned in NL-Only leagues.

Brett Cecil – Okay, the newest rookie pitcher to add in leagues deeper than 10 team mixed.  Cecil may do a lot of nothing in this promotion, so I’d bench him for his first start.  Why pickup a pitcher to bench, you ponder internally.  Here’s the thing, and it’s the same reason I told you to grab Holland last week, if a rookie pitcher explodes on the scene, you want to own him.  And a lot of times a rookie pitcher will come on like a comet burning brightly for a couple of starts.  (Cueto’s first two starts last year: 13 1/3 IP, 18 Ks, 3 ER, 0 Walks)  But, like a comet, his fire will probably burn out quickly when the league catches up to him.  Then hot rookie callup pitcher will go into a correction period, lasting a few months.  Now, while the whole world’s set ablaze with him, you can flip him for a junky closer.  School’s out, Alice Cooper.

Carlos Quentin – You probably think I’m dropping ‘ludes putting Quentin on the Buy list when he’s already sitting on 8 HRs.  Could he get better?  Yeppers!  Right now, Quentin’s sporting a very low BABIP, which means he’s been unlucky.  May could be even better.

Huston Street -  The horsies go up and down as the Rockies closer carousel continues to spin.  Put on one of those faded leather seatbelts that smells like baby vomit and get on.

Matt LaPorta – It’s a renaissance for guys with a capitalized letter in the middle of their last name — LaPorta, LaRoche, LaSagna.

SELL

Matt Holliday – Sorry, but you shouldn’t have bought him to begin with.

Kosuke Fukudome – Don’t drop him, but if you think he’s going to be productive all year, you’re mistaken.  Not mistaken like, “What Adam’s Apple?”  But mistaken nevertheless.

Fred Lewis – Maybe beans do burn on the grill.  Lewis is batting near .300 with 1 RBI and 1 steal.  Those are “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production.

Kelly Johnson – Johnson seems to always flirt with being benched for some also-ran, this month it’s Omar Baby.  Then Johnson always seems to come back in a month or two and hit the cover off the ball.  Happens every year.  Chuck KJ for now in 12 team mixed leagues or shallower, and come back to him when he’s hot. (BTW, how cool would it be if your name was Chuck KJ?  That’s it.  No last name.  Not short for Charles.  Just Chuck KJ.  Splash on a bottle of Drakkar, hit the bar and get laid.  Why?  Cause you’re Chuck KJ!)

Travis Hafner pronk’d you like only he can.  Here’s you in the 17th round of your draft, “Well, Swisher’s staring at me like he wants my Jolly Ranchers, but his playing time is an issue.  Oh, wait, I know!  I’ll grab Hafner because he’s going to bounce back to in medias res HGH levels of production.” First off, it’s impressive you used in medias res in a sentence to yourself even if it was used wrong.  That kind of Latin isn’t often seen during internal monologues by anyone born after 78 AD.  Second, I told you to avoid Hafner!  What are you doing?  Thinking on your own? And in Latin?!  C’mon, man.  Carpe Diem!  Hafner’s off to see Dr. Freeze and the Indians are looking at a possible LaPorta promotion.  Mmm… Bop!  I still don’t think he comes up yet, but his chances just got better.  This Pronk’ing also just opened up more time for Shoppach.  Member how annoyed you were that you owned Shoppach and he wasn’t playing?  Well, he should be owned now.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  Also, provided the only scoring for the Brew Crew with his 2nd homer this year.  Choose your favorite commenter’s word play:  A) He went Ga-yardoed!  B) Gallardonk!

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit.  Only one walk.  Efficient, son.

Ryan Zimmerman – 18-game hitting streak.  Looks like Zimm’s sick of being the bridesmaid.

Adam Rosales – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs.  More importantly, Dusty played him.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5, .329 on the season with 4 steals and one homer.  I haven’t mentioned AS-drubal much since the season started because I pushed him so much during the offseason.  Well, he’s doing what I thought he would.  Little of this, little of that.

Felipe Paulino – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks.  Now with a 2.55 ERA in three games.  Gets the Nats next.  Yes, please.

Julian Taverez – Got the save yesterday.  Then crane kicked himself in the head.  He’ll be okay.

Kelly Shoppach – HR yesterday in the DH spot.   Later, Pronky Loser.

Eric Stults – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  He didn’t look Some Kind of Wonderful last night.

Pablo Sandoval – Day-to-day with tightness in his left groin.  Sandoval has two groins?

Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Don’t matter to me cause I dropped his 6.28 ERA owning, no strikeout throwing ass.  I told Rudy something like this when I dropped Carmona for Gaudin, “Carmona’s got the kind of promise that can really hurt a team.”  What I mean, you can’t start him and you can’t bench him.  It’s the worst place to be.  I’m going to let some other schmohawk deal with this nonsense.

Jon Van Every – HR yesterday.  Wait, is that the lady from Knots Landing?

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 3 ER.  I have similar feelings about Myers as I do about Carmona.  Only Myers is in the NL so he’s slightly more attractive.

B.J. Ryan – Expected out until at least late-May as he was told he needed a week of “no-throw.”  Hmm… How about a month of “no-own?”

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  This one’s hurting me because I don’t have patience for an MR who’s giving up runs.  No matter who he is.  Marmol might be hurting.  Maybe it was those 20,000 pitches he threw last year.

Kenshin Kawakami – Next start being pushed back two days because of a sore shoulder.  Not a good sign…

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks.  I’m convinced Javy could have this line if he pitched in Petco or Coors.  Always seems to strikeout guys and give up some runs.  He’s not all or nothing as much as all and nothing.

Eric Patterson – Someone in our fantasy baseball forums mentioned him yesterday and I realized I failed to mention him when I talked about Ellis going down.  Anyway, Patterson — SAGNOF.

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his total to 7.  And these haven’t even been in The Jetstream.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5, 2 HRs.  He did it for all of you muffin tops out there.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday for his 6th.  He’s in a cheap power for a 1st baseman race with Swisher.

Rick Porcello – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Okay, but you shouldn’t have been starting him in this game anyway.  Save him for AL Central matchups or lose him forever. (<–Hey, that sounded like Meg Ryan’s line to Goose in Top Gun.)

Conor Jackson – Hitting only .200 with 1 HR.  Manage 2 RBIs and 1 Run just by walking twice with the bases loaded.  We’ve said it once counting this instance:  Conor Jackson is the best RBI guy in baseball if you discount all RBIs earned from official ABs.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  I think he might be this year’s feel good story like Hamilton was last year, “Zach Greinke:  The Purpose Pitch.”