Fantasy Baseball Advice

The top 10 and top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball are in the bag, along with the top 20 catchers and your receipt for a $30 massage valued at $50.  Thanks, Groupon!  Today, Razzhands, we look at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.  All this shizz can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  Don’t believe me?  Click the link.  This top 20 list of 1st basemen is bursting at the seams like you at a Hometown Buffet.  Speaking of gorging yourself, I’d like a top 1st baseman on my team in 2012, but it’s a little different year than last year.  There’s actually only 5 top first basemen then caveats on number 6 (Te(i)x) through 9, then there’s some interesting flyers a bit later.  I have a feeling 2013′s rankings are going to see major shifts with some guys that are lower on this ranking sheet moving up.  Should be a fun year for first basemen and one where you can take a bit more risk than previous years.  This list will get additional 1st basemen added to it in the way of sleeper posts.  As with the other rankings, the first basemen are broken up into tiers with my projections included.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Miguel Cabrera – See top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Miguel Cabrera’s projections.

2. Albert Pujols – See top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Albert Pujols’s projections.

3. Joey Votto – See top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Joey Votto’s projections.

4. Adrian Gonzalez – See top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Adrian Gonzalez’s projections.

5. Prince Fielder – See top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Prince Fielder’s projections.

6. Mark Teixeira – See top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Mark Teixeira’s projections.  This is actually a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Michael Young.  I call this tier, “Caterpillars.  Tier name will be explained in the Young blurb.  Feel free to read Young’s blurb then return here.  Hey, back already?!  Awesome!  I missed you.  Do you enjoy cuddling?”

7. Paul Konerko – He’s been wildly consistent.  In 2008 when he hit only 22 homers, it looks like the anomaly.  If I were to say 2012 is the year he gets old and it all falls apart, I’d just be guessing.  Last year he hit hardly any doubles, more line drives and singles, but he’s also getting smarter cutting his K-rate and increasing his walk rate.  The biggest hurdle Konerko is going to have this year is keeping his will to play as the team folds on Opening Day.  Maybe Hawk can work in some of his positivism in the negativity.  “This is the fastest a team has ever been out of contention!  You can put it on the board… We gone!”  2012 Projections:  85/29/100/.290

8. Lance Berkman – Let’s see if you can pick out the number that doesn’t belong, these are his homer totals from 2009 to 2011 — 25, 14, 31.  If you said 14, you’re a believer.  Feel free to draft Berkman.  If you said 31, you’re in my camp.  We will not be drafting Berkman.  If you said 27, that wasn’t a choice.  Berkman didn’t necessarily have an odd year for homers per fly balls.  He made solid contact, reducing his ground balls, but he’s 36 years old and missing Pujols.  That’s enough for me to avoid.  2012 Projections:  80/24/95/.275/3

9. Michael Young – This tier is filled with some older shorties, huh?  Go, shorty, it’s your 35th birthday; we gonna party like it’s your 35th birthday!  As I kinda said in the opening paragraph, the 1st basemen in 2012 are about to go caterpillar up in here and morph into a butterfly, but with that butterfly emerging from its cocoon Don Ameche-style, it needs to shed its caterpillar skin (can you tell I did well in my college science courses?).  This tier is gonna leave behind some caterpillar skin that will be released into the garden and turn into a new plant and/or Eric Hosmer.  (Again, not a science major.)  To explain all of this without the confusing metaphor, guys in this tier are getting old and will make way for guys in the next tier for next year.  As for Young, I don’t like him because he only gives average, and, while that’s been consistently solid in his career, he still got lucky last year and he’s due to hit a lot closer to .300 than .340.  Projections:  75/15/90/.310/5

10. Carlos Santana – Here comes the fun!  Can you feel the excitement?  It’s like that time we got together and did the crab circle dance in the pool in Cabo San Lucas and all our roommates were there except Zach and Ashley — but who needs them anyway?!  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Butler.  I call this tier, “The crab circle in Cabo San Lucas.”  Is that too specific a reference?  You guys and three girl readers get it.  See the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball to see Carlos Santana’s projections.

11. Eric Hosmer – I’m ignoring sophomore jinxes like I ignored when my whole sophomore class saw me get depantsed and I had on dirty tightie-whities.  I continue to stress that they were once all brown underwear that got bleached.  Hosmer is going to be special, and even if it’s not this year, he’s going to hold trade value through the season unless his bottom really falls out, which I don’t envision happening.  His commitment to stealing around ten bases will keep him from totally flopping.  He will be Joey Votto-lite this year.  How lite is the only question.  I don’t think it’ll be that lite.  BTW, you know who’s Billy Butler-lite?  Kirstie Alley.  2012 Projections:  85/25/95/.280/10

12. Michael Morse – I think Morse just had his best season, but I also don’t think he’s gonna fall like, say, Ryan Ludwick of a few years ago, to mention a player that was old for a prospect, broke out then went back to obscurity.  Speaking of which, when you get robbed in a parking garage and the security guard tells the police they didn’t hear anything, you tell them they’re more like obscurity!  Store it away for when it’s applicable.  Morse had the trappings* of a breakout but his health always got in the way.  I’m excited to watch the Nats this year and Morse should be smack dab in the middle of it.  *I have no idea if I used trappings right but it sounded pretty cool the way I just threw it out there, right?  2012 Projections:  80/27/90/.275/3

13. Michael Cuddyer – Gets away from Hubert H. Homerfree Dome and goes to Coors.  Boom goes the dynamite!  Or does it?  Cuddyer just had a solid season, and terrific when compared to the team around him.  Jack Wilson would’ve looked good in that Minnesota mucky muck last year.  Cuddyer hits a ton of ground balls and he’s not a huge homer threat.  I’d say if he repeats his 2011, it’s a win for him and his fantasy owners, especially since he has 2nd base eligibility in some leagues (17 games).  Check your rules first before you draft him for 2nd, then think about how you’re checking rules for fantasy baseball.  And you wonder why you have no success with the ladies.  2012 Projections:  75/22/85/.275/5

14. Mark Reynolds – His K-rate is kinda comical.  He’s a terrible real baseball player.  But real baseball is for real athletes.  What kind of crap is that?!  Give me a computer, an ergonomic chair and some Doritos, I’m playing fantasy baseball!  As long as Mini Donkey continues to hit 35 homers and steal 7-10 bases, he has solid fantasy value, just don’t draft Krispie Young, Adam Dunn or any other low average guys with him.  Actually, don’t draft Adam Dunn at all.  2012 Projections:  75/35/90/.230/7

15. Adam Lind – The reason why I still go back to Lind no matter how many times he kicks my metaphorical puppy is because he’s capable of 35+ homers.  Also, he got a bad rap in 2010 for being a guy that comes with a poor average, but he’s not that, y’all!  He’s around a .260 guy with neutral luck.  That’s a’ight, and a’ight is better than just a’ight but not quite a’ight a’ight.  Want a silly prediction that has no basis in science or fact?  Lind’s gonna be a top three finisher in 2012 for MVP.  2012 Projections:  90/32/105/.270 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)

15 1/2. Billy Butler – I gave Butler a half ranking because he only has 11 games at 1st base.  In Yahoo leagues, you can place The Moob Man at 1st.  I’d use two hands so one moob doesn’t feel neglected.  Yes, Butler’s in the exciting tier, but I worry that Butler will only get 17 or less homers with a bad case of blimpotence.  But II, The Return of But, at 26 years old I think we can trust he’ll hover closer to 20 ding dongs.  Butler, “Did someone say ding dongs?!”  2012 Projections:  90/20/100/.300

16. Ryan Howard – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the list.  I call this tier, “Some major question marks, but a chance for nice dividends.”  Howard will move in the rankings at some point in the preseason when we know exactly when he’s gonna return.  If he’s back by the end of April, he hits 25-30 homers and is worth stashing.  If he’s not due back until midseason, I wouldn’t even bother drafting him and would drop him off this list completely.  I don’t believe in DL’ing players for months in redraft leagues.  For example, think about how many years you drafted Brandon Webb waiting for him to return from injury.  Yeah, that worked out well.  2012 Projections:  70/28/100/.260 (returning on May 1st)

17. Mike Napoli – See the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball to see Mike Napoli’s projections.

18. Ike Davis – Last year, Ike took so many hits on the DL; somewhere Tina Turner was smiling.  Davis says his ankle will be good to go for Spring Training.  I say, just keep him away from the Mets doctors.  From this tier, I’d say Davis has the biggest chance to shoot up the rankings for next year.  Or he could have one setback and miss another three months.  2012 Projections:  85/22/90/.280

19. Mark Trumbo – When I went over Albert Pujols’s signing, I also covered Trumbo’s question mark.  As long as Abreu, Double I and Kendrys are shooting the shizz and talking about the good old times, Trumbo’s either playing 3rd or in trouble of losing playing time.  3rd base would be great, but his defense might give Scioscia the gas face.  I really can’t see someone who gave Jeff Mathis 1360 plate appearances in 5 years playing Trumbo at third.  That’s a huge question mark.  If Trumbo can get 500 plate appearances, then I’d happily draft him. Remember a platoon player at catcher is doable for fantasy, but at 1st or even at corner you need stats.  Projections:  60/25/75/.260/7 (500 PAs)

20. Paul Goldschmidt – I already went over my Paul Goldschmidt fantasy.  I wrote it while rooting for Garfield from Parking Wars to boot a car.  2012 Projections:  75/27/85/.245/7

After the top 20 1st basemen, there’s a lot of names but these stand out:

Kendrys Morales – Might not be a bigger question mark on this entire list.  Ryan Howard could be out for a while, but if he returns, you should get decent production.  Kendrys might return and still be crizzap.  Or he might return and platoon with Abreu or Trumbo or Wells.  Or he might return and be valuable.  You got more variables than an episode of Mythbusters.  Boom!  I’m bigger on basic cable than Chumlee!  2012 Projections:  65/22/75/.290

Justin Morneau – This is one question mark that I’m not drafting anywhere.  This schmohawk can come to my house and make me a perfectly medium-rare steak with the most amazing compound butter and I won’t go near him because, after last year, his steak will probably give me an immediate heart attack.  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.285

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats.  Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team.  You ask why he’s not ranked and I answer that he is.  He’s ranked just after Morneau.  Him and Morneau are a bit of a toss-up, but Morneau has an outside chance at bigger power numbers.  Gaby has a better chance of actually playing a full season.  2012 Projections:  65/20/85/.265/3

Freddie Freeman – I don’t look forward to drafting Freeman.  So much so, I won’t draft him.  So much so much so, I didn’t even rank him.  He’s not ranked.  He’s just blurbed here.  He’s too much James Loney for my taste.  He has a slightly off year on power and you’re gonna be lucky to get 17 homers.  Belch called and said burp.  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.280/3

Yonder Alonso – I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye.  Padres TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.”  I liked Yonder a lot more when he was on the Reds with no starting job than on the Padres with a starting job.  It’s just so hard to get excited about a hitter’s upside in Petco.  2012 Projections:  55/16/70/.280

Justin Smoak – I’m letting someone else take the Smoak gamble this year.  Until he hits 25+ homers, I don’t want to mess with his .240-ish average.  Call me crazy.  You, “Crazy.”  2012 Projections:  55/18/65/.245

Carlos Pena – Looking for someone this year that can do what Adam Dunn did last year?  Look no further!  He signed with the Rays, but it doesn’t matter.  He is what he is everywhere he plays.  I will now slap myself hard across the face for saying a variation of “it is what it is.”  2012 Projections:  55/25/75/.210

Adam Dunn – Everyone seems to think Dunn is not, um, done.  Correction:  Everyone that did not own him last year.  I guess they want a piece of the frustration that others felt last year.  That’s like standing at the craps table and watching roll after roll where people lose and you’re like, “Now is the time to get in!”  No, it’s not.  There’s no reason why the table is going to turn for the better.  The big-bellied age quickly and poorly.  Don’t go near Dunn just because you lucked out not owning him last year.  And, if you did own him last year and want more, then you’re like Homer grabbing the donut no matter how many times the electrical current shocks him.  2012 Projections:  55/22/80/.220 (<–actually optimistic)

Anthony Rizzo – Because I couldn’t end the post on a sour note with Adam Dunn, here’s R to the izzo.  I already went over my Anthony Rizzo 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while huffing.  It was also written before the trade to the Cubs, so the end about how I wanna take a chainsaw to Petco is irrelevant.  I don’t think we’ll see Rizzo until June at the earliest so in redraft leagues, I’d ignore him, but in keeper leagues I’d stash him.  He could hit 25 homers as soon as next year.  If he breaks camp with the Cubs, then it’s on like Steve Wiebe playing Donkey Kong.  2012 Projections:  30/10/45/.250/4 (in 300 ABs)

Brandon Belt – Okay, one more!  This is it though.  If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, I’d place him between Napoli and Davis.  Around 16 and a half.  Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.  The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.  Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.  2012 Projections:  70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)

2011 was supposed to be a big year for Shin-Soo Choo — he was coming off his 2nd straight 20-20 season, his looming military service requirement to the Korean government was in the rearview mirror and he was just entering his prime age. Many (including yours truly) predicted a true breakout, and drafted him as an OF1. The statline that ensued packed about as much punch as Ralph Wiggum’s love life. Choo started the season in a horrendous slump before being caught for a DUI, and from there his slump spiraled out of control. Finally and mercifully his season hit rock bottom when a thumb injury sidelined him for a long period of time. Hailing from a culture that holds honor and duty in very high esteem, it would be foolish to say that the distraction of the DUI was not at least partly to blame for his first half struggles.

The story takes a positive turn after that, as Choo successfully and uneventfully rehabbed from his injury and returned in the second half.  The results were enough to remind owners of why they spent a high draft pick. He flexed his 20-20 skillset, hitting 3 homeruns and stealing 4 bags in August to go along with an otherworldly .348 batting average. This resurgence was ultimately cut short when Choo fell victim to “the year of the oblique,” straining the pesky muscle and ending his season prematurely. When evaluating Choo for early 2012 drafts, I find myself largely ignoring his abysmal first half 2011 and looking to that solid month of August. In doing so I am trusting that the problems were largely between the ears and that he put them in the past in the 2nd half and will be fine for this season. His ADP currently sits in the 70s, which is a pretty sizeable value for a true 5 category threat with a proven floor of production.

While we are on the subject of toolsy outfielders, I may be in the minority but I’m buying Carl Crawford this year. Yes, last year was about as ugly as it gets, and yes he still will probably be relegated to hitting in a less-than-advantageous spot in Boston’s lineup in 2012. These rather unsavory facts aside, I think a pretty convincing reason can be made to draft Crawford at his current ADP (mid-late 3rd round). At a glance his paltry 11 homeruns look bad, but consider that his career average for homeruns in a season sits somewhere around 15. Additionally, his 2011 ISO is actually HIGHER than his career ISO. Recall that you are NOT drafting Crawford for his power. You drafted him because he is a speedster that hits double digit home runs. He hit that power mark last year, and will continue to do that going forward.

Since power is not Crawford’s game the bigger issue was obviously his inexplicable drop in steals from 47 in 2010 to 18 in 2011. The aforementioned position in the lineup certainly played a part, as did nagging injuries, but in my opinion the largest single factor in this drop was his utilization. I really think that the Red Sox put the brakes on his game. This year, sweeping changes have been made to the Red Sox in both the front office and managerial positions. Since they have made such a huge investment in Crawford, they will really have no choice but to turn him loose going forward. This, coupled with an additional year getting used to the “pressure” environment in Boston, makes me bullish on Crawford this year.

Some more quick busts turned 2012 fantasy baseball value picks:

Nick Swisher – Still hitting in a bandbox in a great lineup. Yankees do not have better options anyway.

Kevin Youkilis – GGOW (Greek God of Walks) getting drafted in the 6th round at a weak 3B position? Yes, please.

Ike Davis – The latest casualty to the Mets’ training staff looks like a fine value at the end of drafts this year. Keeping with our Simpsons theme, pretty sure Dr. Nick could do a better job than the scrubs treating these injuries.

Brandon Belt – Maybe we were a year early on the hype train? At a round 15 price tag, I’ll pay to find out.

Andre Ethier – No, we haven’t forgotten about you. If your knee is finally right you might win some leagues as a flier OF3.

Jaime Garcia – Not really a “bust,” but HUGE home/road splits kept him from realizing true potential. Maybe he’s afraid of airplanes? Could be huge if he figures out how to pitch on the road.

Jose Tabata – Bloom is off the rose a bit with nagging injuries, but Shane Victorino upside hasn’t gone anywhere.

Adam Dunn – There’s not much more that can be said about his 2011. Hopefully it really was Ozzie Guillen that was the problem and he could go back to hitting 40 HRs for his fantasy owners. Still hits in a favorable environment.

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.

Asdrubal Cabrera strains his back, and, no “Asdrubal Strains Back” is not a sequel to a sci-fi porn movie.  At this time of the year, any little thing can knock people for the remainder of the year.  To help you picture what I’m saying, imagine this is April and we’re talking about Morneau.  That’s how easily players can get knocked out.  This injury comes on a day where Asdrubal hit his 24th homer.  Even if Da ‘drubal doesn’t return, he gave you everything he had this year.  Drubal took ’11 to 11.  For next year, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a tad overrated.  He never hit more than 10 homers in any professional.  He’s been consistent with power this year from month to month, but his HR/FB% soared away above anywhere it had ever been before.  He should still be able to get around 15 homers next year, but if you get a 15/15 season, you’re suddenly wondering if a sure-to-be-underrated Jimmy Rollins isn’t a safer way to go.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Butler – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu.  Someone dump a Gatorade cooler of chicken soup over Butler’s head.

Yunel Escobar – To the DL with an elbow injury.  Bobby Cox just wishes he injured it on Kelly Johnson’s face.

Brett Cecil – 3 IP, 4 ER which was followed by Kyle Drabek’s 2 IP, 6 ER as unrealized potential met yet-to-be-unrealized potential.

Doug Fister – Will be pitching in relief of Scherzer on Wednesday rather than starting as the Tigers get ready for the playoffs.  If Fister is the relief, I don’t even want to know what Scherzer translates to.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  Freakin’ Braves with all the sexy young pitching, huh?  Freakin’ Braves.  I love them.  Beachy, Minor, Delgado, Vizcaino, all of them.  Now I know how Bill James feels when looking at Chris Davis.  Shoot that poisoned arrow through my heart, Braves pitching staff minus Jurrjens, Lowe and anyone else I’m forgetting that I don’t like!

Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 15th homer, then left with a foot injury.  Comes a bad time because he was putting the coals in the fire, which isn’t an expression but should be.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 with a steal.  5 for his last 10 with a homer while batting in the 8 hole.  Maybe he just needed to be in the 8 hole to be comfortable, or maybe he’s just really too good to be batting in the 8 hole.  Hmm, wonder which one it is.

Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t been able to bat right-handed because of a shoulder injury and might have offseason surgery to correct the issue.  Or that’s a cover for Lap-Band.

Ben Zobrist – Returns to the lineup on Wednesday after taking time off for the birth of his daughter.  No word on how many positions Mrs. Zobrist utilized for the birth, but – based on her profession – I’m guessing missionary on the conception.

Wade Davis – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Too bad he doesn’t play for the Jays, he could’ve relieved Drabek with his potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.

Manny Ramirez – It’s being reported he’s going to play in the Dominican Winter League.  He’s hoping to meet up with Miguel Tejada down there to reminisce about the salad days of the 90s.  Maybe even start up a band, Man-Ram and the B-12 with their lead single, “Just Give Me A Shot (Of Your Sweet Sweet Estrogen Therapy).”

Adam Dunn – 2-for-6 as he doubled his season hit total.  No, wait, he doubled twice.  Sorry, honest mistake.

Dylan Axelford – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was coming off a decent start vs. the Tigers but you shouldn’t have went anywhere near him for this start.  Though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.

Bud Norris – Left his start with a sore shoulder.  He’s done for the year.  Or as they say in Spanish ‘ano completo.’

Kyle Blanks – Left the game with a right quad strain.  Seventeen men helped him off the field.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 with a steal in the first game, and didn’t start the 2nd game.  He should’ve though because he’s seeing the ball well.  He’s hit in every game he’s started but three since August 1st.  (Sure, he’s missed about 20 games in there, but whatevs.)

Alex Liddi – His 2nd game in a row with a homer.  In broken English, he told reporters, “I drink your pizza!  I drink it up!”

Tom Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Second start solid start for Milone.  He looks to be in the Slowey mold back before Slowey got screws put in his wrist and then put the screws to his fantasy owners.  Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy what could’ve been.  I still wouldn’t trust Milone if he gets one more start, but he’s now on the radar for deeper leagues in Twenty-Twelve.  Or as I’m gonna call it twelve past twenty.

Ross Detwiler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Phils are in serious coast mode.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4 with his 20th homer.  You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t have the profiteroles to go with the cannoli to like Espinosa again next year.  You, sir, don’t know my pastry prowess.

Erik Bedard – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned).  Of course the Sawx want to get to the playoffs, but has anyone seen their last four starters?  Wakefield, Weiland, Lackey, Bedard… So, they gonna pitch Lester and Beckett on one day rest throughout the playoffs?

Clay Buchholz – Threw a simulated game.  Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1976 Cincinnati Reds are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup.  Damn you, George Foster!

Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st.  (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head.  At least I think it was my head.  Hmm…)  Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games.  He’s also hit in 11 straight games.  Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough?  Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco.  It’s smothering!  In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two.  But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up.  He has the most surreal pitch signals.  ”Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.

Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors.  Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.

Arodys Vizcaino - On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino.  I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie.  While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves.  He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young.  With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff.  In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now.  His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year.  In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.

Tommy Hanson - Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start.  His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.

Dan Uggla - 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games.  Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal.  That’ll make things better.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer.  A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone?  That’s like a champale supernova.

J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks.  His average is down to .163.  He’s hitting half his weight!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.

Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him.  Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games.  Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay.  While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.

Anibal Sanchez - 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?

Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL.  I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back.  /sarcasm

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs.  Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year.  I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers.  See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.

Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.

Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand.  Well, stop scratching with it!

Vance Worley- 4 IP, 6 ER.  A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.

Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  So where is thumbkin?  At the hospital getting an MRI.

Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage.  Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.

Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon.  Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games.  Prediction:  His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors.  Burp.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  So what’s your excuse for not picking him up?  You a non-believer?

Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.

Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.

Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers.  That makes him Dos Rivera.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal.  He could be at 30/30 by the end of August.  He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world).  I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses?  Only Girl?  ”I wanna hear Only Girl!”  No, that makes no sense.  It should stand alone without the parentheses.  You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On).  You’re forwarding your gong banging.  You are upping your excitement on the gong.  The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something.  ”Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.”  Now I’m at ease.  Only Girl means nothing!  You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.