Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday. Yay! He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year. Because he’s a big, fat liar. He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future. There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale. He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad. Well, I guess that makes sense. And now you’re making me look stupid?! I hate you, Morneau. Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada. They’ll treat you for free there! These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau. Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly. I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.
Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one. Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14. No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.
Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money. I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant. I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.
Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.
Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL. I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers. Go big or go home!
Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand. Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine. Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’ A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday. Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.
Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head. To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup. Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.
Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it. He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie. In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average. Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that. And he’s a real momma’s boy.
Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.
Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run. BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister? “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party. It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”
Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER. Oh. Wait, what? Ouch.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal. Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months. Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?
Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run. Good to see he’s still playing baseball. I had no idea.
Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks. I need help!
Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation. Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers. I’m glad so many people dropped him. More Danny Espinosa for me!
Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May. This year, more bupkis. Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.
Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal. Yesterday, a homer. Tomorrow, probably an injury. But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.
Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good. Vogelsong, really isn’t. I swear. Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.
Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative. Bochy said Belt would miss a few days. Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.
David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.
Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.