The Buysellatops left this message on my answering machine (what, I’m old school), “The earth is fourteen degrees hotter per year than when I freely roamed the countryside. Back then there were T-Rex’s and velociraptors and iguanas the size of houses that we simply called Biguanas. Now, I’m the only dinosaur left and I can get a nice tan while waiting in line for a smoothie. Global warming is awesome! And so is Anthony Rizzo.” So, there you have our buy/sell-out dinosaur’s take. My take is I agree. Who doesn’t love a smoothie and a tan? Rizzo isn’t a Ike Davis head case that gets into the passenger seat to drive. He’s in no danger of falling completely off the map like he’s taking orders from Queen Isabella. He’s A) Getting unlucky B) Keeping his strikeouts and walks in check C) There’s no C, why are you so greedy? With the gusts of wind and heat in Wrigley this summer, he could hit 10 homers in the matter of two weeks. If he hits less than 30 homers this year, I’ll eat my hat (though I’m wearing a fruit basket on my head, so it’s not so bad). To give you a few other names, he’s already better than Pujols and A-Gon on our Player Rater, and I see no reason why that should stop. If you have a Rizzo owner who is worried, take your alligator blood and check raise to the bettor. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – “I used to work for Marc Rzepczynski’s high school team.” That’s the Red Sox seamstress in her job interview. Don’t let the seamstress’s work go in vain, grab Saltymochachino.
Jeff Baker – The Tissue takes LOOGY’s and wipes them from the face of the earth.
Logan Morrison – He’d tell you to hashtag pick him up. Did Mariah Carey officially make hashtags passé? Did she ruin Twitter with her song the same year she killed Idol? I’d almost rather Billy Joel update one of his songs with some corporate-record-company-focus-group-tinkering, “Aw, she never Tweeted for me, but did she ever say a prayer for me in 140 characters?”
Tyler Colvin – You know what’s cool? Underwear made from ice cubes? What? No, Random Italicized Voice. That the RCL ownership of Colvin is nearly three times as high as regular ESPN owners. Unfortch, ESPN is at 2% and we’re at 6%. C’mon, guys and four girl readers, pick up Colvin.
Mike Carp – And they said he’d always play second fish to Mike Trout. And they said…And they said… Isn’t that a song? Did I just make that up? What did we do before the internet for song lyrics? I seriously can’t remember. Did we just sing the words to a friend and ask them what song it was? What if they didn’t know? Why can’t I remember this?
Nick Franklin – Y’all are taking a long time to add this guy. Or said like a guido, this guy over here. ‘This guy over here’ would’ve been the first internet meme if there was an internet or memes back then for anyone but Al Gore. BTW, you think Al Gore invented the internet for the porn, which ended up costing him his marriage? Just thinking out loud. Franklin has 15/15 upside. He’s basically Prado.
Logan Forsythe – Bam! Just achieved a new world record for number of Logans in a Buy column. First, none of this would be possible without your deity of choice. Second, I’d like to thank Morrison and Forsythe’s parents for both having a baby on the tarmac of Logan Airport and going with that name. Third, I need to thank my manager, Saul Rothstein. You’re not great, but you are Jewish, so that’s gonna work in my favor.
Omar Quintanilla – He has no huge power or speed but he has been hitting. By the by, if you don’t know what some of these guys do, you haven’t been reading for the last week. The Buy is a culmination of all things wonderful from the week with a few surprises mixed in. Don’t worry, they’re good surprises.
Anthony Rendon – When summer comes, my alarm clock wakes me to Dashboard Confessional’s Warmth of the Sand and I pick up rookies. I’m a sucker for rookie nookie, even if it means dropping a guy that is yawnstipating that could outperform a rookie. Example: hold Neil Walker and his solid but unspectacular stats or go for Rendon? I go for Rendon every time.
Will Middlebrooks – He’s not like a lot of guys on this list that are one week pick-ups. You should pick up and own Middlebrooks. Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever? No, Ms. Jackson, but for a few weeks to see if he can start hitting.
Mike Aviles – Since he took over for Asdrubal, he’s look As-drab-bleh. Booya! Fist pump self and explode! I don’t know when Asdrubal is gonna return (I lied; early July) and Aviles could give you some counting stats and power.
Cody Ransom – I’m gonna go ahead and throw Xavier Paul into here too. Why? Because it’s my blog, now get off my lawn! Also, they’re both platoon guys that have value if you can move them in and out of your lineup.
Erick Aybar – He’s like Edwin Jackson of this buy…Oh, we haven’t gotten to Edwin yet. Okay, Aybar should just be owned.
Josh Rutledge – I just went over him this morning. Scroll up! Or is it down? Just scroll!
Jordany Valdespin – The man who was named by a Harry Potter Name Generator is finally starting every day. He could give you 15/20 over a full season. No lie, apple pie. I have a pit in my stomach, but apples have seeds, crazy guy. I fear the Mets still won’t play him, great. But that might’ve been the medium-rare chicken I ate.
Jaff Decker – Here’s what I just said about him, “The Padres called them up because they like to shake that Jaffy taffy, shake that, Jaffy taffy! Okay, lost it there for a second. Decker was once a solid prospect, then he started hanging with the Padres number one prospect, Nadir Bupkis, and it all went to gone. He’s got some pop and speed, but will strike out a lot, and may not see everyday ABs. I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but everyone else can hold tight for now.” And that’s me quoting me!
Peter Bourjos – SAGNOF!
Kyle Blanks – Everyone is excited to see what he can do with everyday starts, except for those people in the outfield stands who now have obstructed view tickets. The Pillsbury Fro Boy has long been a favorite of mine and with Maybin and Alonso sidelined, Blanks has been playing and hitting bombs. He could have a little (bad choice of words) post-hype sleeper thing going on. He’s the kind of mollywhopper that could hit 30 homers in 350 ABs. Even in Petco.
Josh Reddick – Wait a second, he’s only owned in 38% of ESPN leagues? Even if you assume Matthew Berry owns 40,000 ESPN teams to win more virtual trophies and Karabell owns 40,001 teams to beat Berry, there’s still something wrong with that picture.
Corey Kluber – It’s totally possible that I was slow to move on this guy because his name makes him sound so dopey, but he’s pitched well for a while now and I’m on board until he gives me reason not to be.
Zack Wheeler – You arrived twenty minutes to the Suzanne Somers book signing. You thought the reservation for your birthday party was at 8:00 and you missed the cake. Gerrit Cole came, Gerrit Cole went to someone else. What are you waiting for with Wheeler?
Erasmo Ramirez – Random Razzball Commenter, “Grey, your ‘stache overwhelms me. It’s like looking directly into the sun, if the sun was bright with masculinity. Anyway, what two young pitchers are you grabbing before they’re called up?” Wheeler and Erasmo. Go find Scott, our prospect writer, in one of his articles and ask him about Erasmo.
Rick Porcello – Cliff Lee was pretty iffy for a bunch of his early years in Cleveland, then he turned a corner and has been lights out since. Not saying Porcello is Cliff Lee good, but he’s definitely turned a corner and is better than he was. He’s even young enough that he can still get better and better. I’m getting excited about him for 2014 already, but I’ll take him for this year.
Edwin Jackson – Edwin has looked so good besides his ERA that he would’ve got a lede this week if it wasn’t for the fact that no one really wants to read about how much Edwin Jackson should be better. I mean, even this blurb is killing you. It’s like sitting next to Ted Striker. So, grab Edwin now and let’s save the chitchat for someone fun like Jason Vargas!
Jason Vargas – His player page tells us he’s going to get a 3.43 ERA, 1.11 WHIP and 4.9 Ks in his next start. I don’t know what point-9 Ks looks like, but I wanna see it. Is it a check swing that should’ve been a strikeout but wasn’t called? Is it a strikeout with a wild pitch so the hitter gets 1st? Is it one swing and a miss where the hitters wraps himself into a pretzel by swinging three times on one pitch?
Carter Capps – Wilhelmsen, aka Kaiser Soshitty, looks like he’s headed for either the DL or the 8th inning to ‘clear his head.’ Either way, right now Wilhelmsen is a dog and German, so he’s a Schnauzer. Schnauzer’s don’t close games.
Joaquin Benoit – I think Leyland will use Valverde until September when he abruptly changes course right at the most important time. Oh, wait, that was last year. For whatever reason, Valverde’s leash feels longer than most guys, but Benoit would be the handcuff. For those who found us Googling, “Should I leash and/or handcuff my Schnauzer?” Welcome!
Jean Segura – Getting a lot of trade questions about moving him. I can see it. He is playing over his head. Near the top of our Player Rater. Before mid-June and playing with the casino’s money on a guy is enticing to sell. The problem with trading him is what is his baseline? Where can you reasonably expect him to end up compared to how he’s playing? 20/40, hitting .300? At shortstop? That’s first round numbers. Are you getting a first round player back? Are you chewing bacon instead of gum? Milkshakes instead of toothpaste? I wouldn’t refuse all offers, but you also shouldn’t be selling him just because you backed into him at the end of your draft. In other words, I’d sell Segura, but you have to have the right deal. Don’t sell him for a found-under-the-couch Troll doll.
Mike Minor – Brucely, writing Sells sucks dog balls. I’d buy a lot of the Sells I give you for the right price. I don’t hate Minor. I actually like him. The problem is his ERA is way below where it should be due to men left on base and bating average on balls hit into play. He’s closer to a 3.50 ERA guy. Like Marco Polo’s mom told him, don’t just trade, explore offers.
Dexter Fowler – That was fun when he was a Strong Bean, right? Yeah, agreed. He hit eight homers in April and two in the next 6 weeks. Which number doesn’t fit? 5? Five wasn’t even one of the numbers. C’mon, man! Like others listed here, The Chicken Man isn’t someone I’d give away, but he’s more like a 15 homer, 25 steal guy and he’s already at 10 homers and 11 steals. Don’t trade him for a Thomas Kinkade painting, but I’d listen to offers.