Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+

Don’t look now, but the hottest dynasty baseball league in the game is back for another monthly update. We are the American Dream personified. A former colony of the REL, otherwise known as the Razzball Elite League, and the evil iron fist of King George JB. Much like our founding fathers, M@ and I, the league’s John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson worked hard to redraft our constitution, and bring prosperity to all those affected by King George JB’s extreme taxation. Through these wars waged by an army of rag tag farmers, a great general emerged. Who is this great general? Our George Washington, if you will. None other than the original smoothie himself, Captain of the clean gooch, one Nick The Dick. Under the courageous command of Nick, and his Captain Jaaaaaake, Razz30 has taken on all comers, and anyone looking to down our new found utopia. There is no 30 team league in the land where it’s citizen’s are better educated, better looking, or just plain better. Our gooches are hairless, but our faces are not. We trade like spice merchants in the ports of the Orient! We pillage the posts of our enemies! We chat like high school girls on social messaging apps. We’re the league you wish you played in. It’s the Razz30 Update for April in the year of our lord two thousand and seventeen. Claws Up for my Family!

 

The Crab Army, Who Are They?

If you’ve stopped by any of those extremely verbose REL posts, and skipped ahead to the comments you might have noticed a few things; A. Wow, this post got more than 12 comments! B. The unrelenting attacks on the REL format, by citizens once under it’s oppressive rule. FREEDOM!!! Is this post nationalistic? Are we the Alt-Right of Razzball? Probably, but I’ll refuse to acknowledge any such heresy out of respect for my soldiers. This is what leaders do, deny, blame others, and keep their military might happy. As for the crab army, it’s origins date back to the genesis of the league, as Jaaaake would respond to each, and every salty comment, or bold proclamation with a crab. It stuck, and has lived in Razz30 folklore ever since. We are led in battle by our aforementioned General Nick The “Smooth” Dick, even a mouth full of blood and ruptured vein in his gums can’t keep our general off the battle field. He fought bravely in Tuesday night’s chat to defend his home land’s honor. Never has a man earned his stripes quite like Nick since the days of Gen. Patton. I could go through our list of soldiers, but I trust they will identify themselves in our congruous comment section. Violators beware. By the end of the year I fully expect to commission the first tattoo on my 6 day a week workout body. That of the Crab Army logo, seen above in all of it’s glory. Who said I couldn’t out Tehol, Tehol, amirite? Now to find a way to discuss Nicholas Cage….

Slack Chat, Our Clubhouse

While there are many parallels between us and our Revolutionary forefathers, we also share quite a bit of commonality with biker gangs like The Hell’s Angels. Maybe we didn’t have the same nasty reputation as our friends with the Local 81 heading into the season, but we have been gaining a head of steam, and it wouldn’t shock me if we’re now viewed the same way within fantasy circles. As a group of godless marauders, out for fame, fortune, and a good f-ing time. Our Altamont is the last REL post. Our clubhouse our Slack Chat, where we discuss clean gooches, the benefits of products like our sponsor Fresh Balls, and good old American Baseball talk.

Beard Of The Month

With the amount of testosterone, masculinity, and grown man stuff associated with the Razz30, there might not be anything more symbolic than our beards. Below you will see founding father M@’s glorious majestic facial hair. Like a hipster Rasputin.

 

The Standings

If by this point you’ve forgotten that we actually play fantasy baseball when we’re not trolling, comparing gooches, or discussing investment strategies, I wouldn’t blame you. This league is so much more than just fantasy baseball, with that said I’d be remiss to not update you on the goings on of the best damn 30 team dynasty league in the known world. Much like with any league at this point in the season, the standings have been some what influx. Our league mirrors real baseball, and is comprised of an AL and NL similar to that “son of a motherless goat” league the REL. However, unlike those using archaic non-dynasty slanted sites, we use Fantrax, a site that allows a 30 team league to be broken into two 15’s with separate scoring for each side. Instead of giving you a long diatribe about our rules, feel free to peruse our Constitution.

The NL: Here on the senior circuit, yours truly, Gen. Smooth Dick, and last year’s NL champions The Nationals have battled it out a top the standings, with darkhorse, and worthy adversary the Diamondbacks in the mix. Led by hands down the strongest pitching staff in the NL the Nationals lead in 5 of 6 pitching categories, as well as batting average, and on base percentage. My Mets are strong in the power categories, but weak in our ratios, damn I need Joey Votto to wake up. The real sleeper in all this is the loaded Cubs, who managed to add both Nolan Arenado, George Springer, and James Paxton in the offseason, without giving up any of the core. How are you not in first? Anyway, here are the NL standings.

The AL: Last season the American League produced our eventual champion, the Boston Red Sox led by Colonel of the Crab Army Sheriff McRawDawg. The Sheriff has been slow to start the season, but has come on of late climbing all the way to third in the standings. However the runaway steam train Cleveland Indians led by native son of the Mistake By the Lake Jarod Miller, and the Rangers led by frequent commenter Old School Brother are neck in neck in the standings. Each strong in their own area, The Tribe leads in 4 of 6 offensive categories while slotting in 3rd in homers, and 10th in steals. While The Rangers led in 3 of 6 pitching categories (W’s, QS, ERA), and slotting in the top five in both K’s, and WHIP. Many battles a brewing in the top 6.

Trades

A large part of the Razz30 life is constant trading. Since the inception of the new format there have been 53 trades in total. Because discussing 53 trades would just be bananas, I’ll focus on all those that took place in April. Take a look below, and feel free to ask questions in the comments. I’m sure our gracious league managers would be glad to discuss these trades with you. Except Charlie Morton for Tucker Barnhart, you can’t explain that.

Weekly FAAB

I’d give you a wavier report, but there’s literally been 171 adds and drops in the month of April. We’re a wee bit active with our weekly FAAB setup. Instead I’ll list a few, great pickups.

Blue Jays Claim (FA), Adam Rosales 2B,3B – OAK $3
Giants Claim (FA) Nick Pivetta, SP – PHI $5
White Sox Claim (FA) Tyler Motter, SS – SEA $10
Astros Claim (FA) Zack Efflin, SP – PHI $0
Twins Claim (FA) Juan Lagares, OF – NYM $0
Giants Claim (FA) Sandro Fabian, OF – SF $0
Athletics Claim (FA) Jose Osuna, OF – PIT $0
Giants Claim (FA) Adonis Medina, SP – PHI $0
Blue Jays Claim (FA) Jesse Hahn, SP – OAK $17

**Going to a minor league game? Get in on our crowdsourced scouting video project! Use your phone to shoot at bats, pitches, etc of some of the top prospects, and email them to me at [email protected]**

Follow me on Twitter @Ralphlifshtzbb and Tune on Tuesday’s @ 9PM (EST) to my Live Baseball Show on Fantrax YouTube.  (and join the Crab Army in the chat)

 
  1. Jaaaaaake says:
    (link)

    #Razz30 is life

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Jaaaaaake: Indeed fearless Captain! Claws UP!!!

  2. Alcibiades Escobar says:
    (link)

    Playing in this league is like having Kate Upton on call to apply another coat of Fresh Balls on my hairless gooch on command.

    • Jaaaaaake says:
      (link)

      @Alcibiades Escobar: Verlander’s dick makes me feel pretty happy about my lil guy

  3. SheriffMcRawDawg says:
    (link)

    (V)(°,,,,°)(V)

  4. Miketron says:
    (link)

    Thanks for the write-up Ralph! Hope to crack that AL top 6 soon myself. Claws up!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Miketron: Viva LA Claw!!!

  5. Sport says:
    (link)

    Pretty deep stuff Ralph. Thank you for all you do.

    How aggressive would you be in a dynasty going after Maikel Franco or Nick Castellanous? I currently have Turner at 3B with Senzel on NA. Wait for other 3B options to open up on the waiver?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Sport: You seem pretty deep at 3B, I wouldn’t over spend for one. I would ask on both of those guys though.

  6. nick the smooth dick says:
    (link)

    I have never been so proud in my life, and I have 2 children I watched hatch from their mothers C-slit. Claws up, brethren, claws way up!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @nick the smooth dick:Claws Up to you sir! General of my Army!! Word on the street is you watched your younger brother’s too.

      • nick the smooth dick says:
        (link)

        @Ralph Lifshitz: cut mad cords in this muh. Doesn’t hold a candle to the 30

  7. Oppo Taco says:
    (link)

    Good stuff! Love your prospecting. I trade Eaton/Castellanos for Bregman/Piscotty yesterday. Its a keeper league but I am trying to compete this year and it seemed like I was giving up the most current valuable piece in Eaton. My offense is near the top in every category though and Grey liked the trade for me. What say you? Bregman has never been on my radar since his owner has had him for so long. Thanks !

    • JRod

      JRodingham III says:
      (link)

      @Oppo Taco: I can’t speak for Ralph but I love that trade on your end. That move is Razz30 worthy good sir… Claws way the F**k up.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @JRodingham III: Two Claws, Two Balls, One Heart!

    • Jaaaaaake says:
      (link)

      @Oppo Taco: as a representative of the Crab ? army, we approve. BREGMAN is an honorary member and will be a boon to you and your house.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Oppo Taco: I love that deal, might seem tough now, but I think you get the too best players in the deal.

  8. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    George Springer out again!!!! I hate this!!! Why arent’t you on the stupid DL!!!

    • Jaaaaaake says:
      (link)

      @Ralph Lifshitz: hold fast, prez. He will do an old school Miggy and make it all up this weekend

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Jaaaaaake: Thank goodness for your calming influence Cap’n.

  9. InBuckWeTrust says:
    (link)

    Down n dirty in Razz30.

    Without this league, I’d have so much more time to do things like take care of my responsibilities in life. But who needs those.

    League discussion question: which prospect to get called up this year do you think is going to make the biggest difference in final standings, either because of his talent or because of the Razz30 team that he’s on?

    • JRod

      JRodingham III says:
      (link)

      @InBuckWeTrust: Selfishly I’m hoping it’s Brad Zimmer, but I’m not sure it will be him.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @JRodingham III: Could be, he needs to play everyday though. Tito loves his vets.

    • Jaaaaaake says:
      (link)

      @InBuckWeTrust: I’m hard-scoping Bellinger’s gooch

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @Jaaaaaake: Me too, and he could very well be the Nass w/ god given ass #RIPDAVIDBOWIE

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @InBuckWeTrust: Claws up my brother!

      I’m going to say it will be Brinson. St. Louis is a good club.

      • Old School Brother says:
        (link)

        @Ralph Lifshitz: Brinson… who is now not a Ranger thanks to JB’s dumb “if a trade goes down in real life it goes down in REL” rules. Thanks JB

    • Old School Brother says:
      (link)

      @InBuckWeTrust: Jae-gyun Hwang

    • SheriffMcRawDawg says:
      (link)

      @InBuckWeTrust: Adolis Garcia!

  10. Big Time Timmy Jim says:
    (link)

    Any way we can get on a list if someone drops out?

  11. Starlin 'Didn't get those Vitamins at K' Marte says:
    (link)

    Cespedes seems booked for the DL, this smells a lot like Rosario time.

    Given how he’s hit in the minors the odds of his ‘going off’ seem pretty low, at least this year. Is he worth a run to waivers or are there other guys who are close (looking at you Hoskins) you’d rather have.

  12. nick the smooth dick says:
    (link)

    Where is Grey at? Feel like he should drop a line at this historic venue

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @nick the smooth dick: His friend from out of town is visiting. He sends his regards.

      • J-FOH says:
        (link)

        @Ralph Lifshitz: aunt flow is visiting? That explains a lot

    • J-FOH says:
      (link)

      @nick the smooth dick: he’s got his popcorn and ice cream cone watching this unfold. Why mess with a good show

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @J-FOH: He’s the Mark Burnett!

  13. Old School Brother says:
    (link)

    If it wasn’t for Andy’s massive erect bid on Thames I’d be leading in Homers right now…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Old School Brother: And people were killing him for that move.

        • nick the smooth dick says:
          (link)

          @Jaaaaaake: With my team I would have blown my load on him too but couldn’t get the fucking draft to work on my phone. #DickCubsProblems

  14. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
    (link)

    Tee-ball pictures today and the boy is wearing #9 just like Teddy Ballgame.

    • Jaaaaaake says:
      (link)

      @Ralph Lifshitz: it’s apparently babe Ruth day.

        • nick the smooth dick says:
          (link)

          @Ralph Lifshitz: But I highly regard him for his military service. I bet he crabbed those KoKo’s like a mother fucker. Treated em like REL’ers

  15. Mommy's Big Boys says:
    (link)

    How often do you guys come up to breathe from the three way blowjob marathon you have with each other before each post? I literally had to take a prilosec tab because of the heartburn I endured from the rank acidity of word vomit in the opening paragraph. Listen, we all know why you started this league: so sub-70 IQ listeners could feel like they had a fighting chance playing in a league where they could draft Jose Fernandez in the first round and end up on top. Wait, I didn’t mean to say on top. I don’t want to say anything that would make you start reminiscing about your bi-weekly furry sessions. And judging by the grossly copious amounts of inappropriate man love going on (even too excessive for Jb’s taste), I think it’s safe to assume you’re all subordinate tops. I wouldn’t even be surprised if this didn’t pass through moderation because Ralph would think one of his bff’s feelings might get hurt. Continue being second rate and live everyday knowing that the only reason you have this league is because King Jb allows it. Don’t make him take baby’s favorite shiny toy away. REL 4 LYFE

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Mommy’s Big Boys: Nope, we’re not pussies, so we have fun. I’d take offense to your comments if you were capable of writing a complete sentence. Instead you just tried to find the three funniest things you could mention, and threw them in there.

      Tell your mom she left her furry bunny costume at my crib. No worries, I got the bukkae stain from the 30 Smoothies that went kaboom on her costume.

      CLAWS WAAAAAY UP!!!

      • Old School Brother says:
        (link)

        @Ralph Lifshitz: Bet you still read it all though… jokes on you. Throw them claws up

      • SheriffMcRawDawg says:
        (link)

        @nick the smooth dick: and we’ve evolved… into CrabsMen.. CLAWWWSSSSSUUURRRRP!!!!

  16. Rosscoe says:
    (link)

    That’s the greatest post of all time oh Great Leader Ralph!

    Move over Hunter S Thompson, Anthony Burgess and Kurt Vonnegut! There’s a new literary master on the scene and his crabs are plentiful…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Rosscoe: Claws up sir!!!!

  17. David says:
    (link)

    In a dynasty league, Puig or A. Garcia? Grandal or Hedges. Thanks. Claws up!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @David: Puig and Hedges. The catchers are real close though.

      Claws up!

  18. Clint says:
    (link)

    Really starting to get into this league. Too bad the already-thin wire is now down to corpse levels and it’s not even the end of April. One of these days I’ll figure out if I’m ready to sell or not since I’m a fringe competitor.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
      (link)

      @Clint: Keep going Clint, your team is better than you think.

  19. Tweak says:
    (link)

    M@ the Hipster Rasputin:

    – Banging Romanovs before it was cool.
    – Taking bullets to the skull IRONICALLY.
    – Staring blankly into daguerreotypes because mercury vapor is so much more real than SLR, man.

    • Old School Brother says:
      (link)

      @Tweak: HAH!

    • M@

      M@ says:
      (link)

      @Old School Brother: @Tweak: Don’t even worry about that.

      Come and get that beard game! Hahaha.

      Also, I feel like I’ve been semi-exposed. ‘Oh, you thought I actually looked like Prime Time?’

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
        (link)

        @M@: Wait Prime Time isn’t hiding behind that beard?

  20. Curious George Springer says:
    (link)

    I’m curious. Where the hell did those screen shots come from? How on earth can anyone even tell which players are going which way in those trades?

    Also, why are you using slack when you can just use the hat feature in the software for the league provider? Why would anyone be interested in that?

    cool league, bros, and I do mean bros. Guessing you bros all Uber to your weekly furry sessions. Get the XL!

    Two claws down.

    • The Harrow says:
      (link)

      @Curious George Springer: it says right in there. it’s got “to and from” in it.

  21. Jaaaaaake says:
    (link)

    SO I think we aren’t the alt-right but we are the ULT-RIGHT because we were ULTIMATELY RIGHT to make this league and this post. CRAB!

    • Curious George Springer says:
      (link)

      @Jaaaaaake: cool, bro

Comments are closed.